Saturday, October 27, 2012
Wow - history of my life. Reading through my old blogs (and an old journal last night) I realize just how hard it is to be consistent with life. It's crazy! In the past 10 years I have had 2 children, unexpectedly had to return full-time to work (this wasn't the original plan), became teacher leader, became and remained department chair, battled depression and eating disorders, lost 40 pounds the healthy way, ran a marathon and gained 30 pounds back - not in that order. Over the past 10 months alone I have started my master's degree at a university 45-60 minutes from my house, continued to teach full time and be the best mom I can, and returned to physical therapy. I just can't do it all. So my health and activity has taken a back seat. One thing I learned from therapy is not to heap guilt upon myself - which I haven't done - but there is a constant nagging...
A few weeks ago I was face-to-face with a rumor about myself that was completely untrue. This was the final straw - what broke my emotional stability. The stress finally took its toll. I spent a week in a real funk - borderline depression - had to keep myself together in front of people while I broke down every time I was alone (shower, car...). I confronted the rumor head-on with the people involved and the relationships are mended - but with scotch tape. I will forever question the motives of the people I consider(ed) friends. They questioned (and criticized) my character, my core beliefs, and everything that I stand for and have worked to build and preserve.
I still have slight heart palpitations when I think of the implications of it all, but I"m moving forward the best that I can. And in that, I'm challenging myself to become a better person because of it. And in my head (although it makes no sense) if I return to my healthier way of life and, in the process, lose the 30 pounds that I put back on after I lost it, I will have beaten "her" - the person primarily responsible for the rumor. I will prove her wrong (even though the rumor had nothing to do with my health/body/weight). I can't explain how those things are connected, other than that it drives me. I don't back down easily and I don't give up when challenged.
I will win.