Friday, October 26, 2012
What a bummer. My bum is huge again. Here I am just 2 pounds below my starting SparkPeople weight.
I haven't been tracking my food for about 1 year. And I haven't been exercising regularly since around New Years.
It all started with a bad situation at work last October. It's no secret that my boss is a jerk, but last October was maybe the worst ever. And I've noticed he always gets crankier in the fall. I think putting away his sailboat for the season, plus his own boss looking of end of year reports gets him in an especially bad mood. But I was at the height of reclaiming myself and had hit my all time low on the scale. I was dressing up every day and really feeling great in my skin. I was sticking to exercising regularly and very proud of my "guns". Well, I think that bugged my boss. Did I mention he was a jerk. It seemed like he went into overdrive bashing me on every decision and going against my recommendation on principal alone. Finally, one day a small miscommunication found me meeting with HR over my "behavioral problems".
It was just bad business and bad management. I found myself wishing that he would just fire me. I tried not to take it personal, but in all honesty I was really burnt out. I looked into a lawyer, but since he didn't do anything other than be a jerk my options are limited. I'd rather focus on finding another job, which was no easy task a year ago (and still isn't). While I didn't find myself a job, I found one for someone else and helped them out of an even worse situation. So, it's not like I haven't been looking. I've even been working on switching careers.
At the time I was also struggling with my husband's weight gain. As I did better and better, he was making more and more stops for fast food and ice-cream. I felt terrible for so many reasons. I felt guilty and lost and unable to connect with him. Why could I be doing well and helping friends and family, but my own husband was just putting on more and more weight. I was really worried about his health.
You'd think with all the info I had and was dishing out to others, that I'd only have had a short back slide. That being a strong person with lots of smarts would keep me from readopting my old habits. Well, the little slack I was giving myself at first turned into a lot of slack. And now I feel like I'm back at square one. Out of shape, unhappy with my body, and avoiding the mirror and compliments.
And knowing how much work I have to do to reclaim lost ground is only making it harder to start back up again.
I think it's been an important time for me mentally. But I also think it is time to reclaim my pride and my health.
Admitting you have a problem is the first step. Right?
Well, I have some major problems to admit to.
- I eat too much. and sometimes even seem to punish myself with overeating or take out my anger at situations by overeating. NOT GOOD!
- I don't exercise, like, ever. I miss it. It makes me feel good emotionally. It gives me pride in my accomplishments. I miss my guns. :(
- My guilt that I have over my husband’s weight gain. I need to stop worrying about it and go back to living by example. Living like him has not helped, only helped him gain even more weight.
- My lack of confidence at work. I practically feel like a battered woman. I'm super smart, but been silenced by a miserable boss. And I'm sooooooo bored. I'm ready to start being me and if that rocks the boat a little to hard for him... too bad for him!