today i am not in a very good place and before i do too much damage(re emotional eating)i thought it is better to go it out in the open and then maybe i can access it better.this may rammble,it may not.it may be a long blog,it may not.this blog is solely for me and to try and buck myself out of it.i guess i am just plain tired and that it is all getting to me.this morning the alarm went off and i ignored it.didnīt plan to just felt so yuck but with lotfi not being here and the kids haveing school i canīt afford to sleep in lol.woke up suddenly to see it was 7.09.the school bus for zakariya comes at 7.30and ayyub has to leave around that time too.so when i realised the time PANIC,lol.go in the kids room to find they are up and dressed watching a garfield dvd.i was like relieved and angry at the same time.relieved that they were dressed.angry that they hadnīt woke me up lol.quickly made them there breakfast and did their lunch boxes.secrectly glad this is their last day of school for a week(normally the school breaks up tomorrow but as it is the muslim eid/byram tomorrow they have a day off,i guess i am just doing too much at the moment which i shouldnīt but that is life.my iron count is really low again which makes me tired.despite my bloodthinners it feels like another lung embolie might be building up as i hm having trouble breathing and have the same pain in my back that i had when i have had lung embolies in the past. i am struggling to keep my exercise up as i donīt seem to have the energy to fight food at the moment and believe you me that is what it feels like a fight.been doing sewing for my sil as she is having visitors for eid and my sewing machine broke or should i say died the death on me so i had to do it all by hand which took a long time and was not good for my left eye which is really blurred and aching now.i am worried about ayman as he wasnīt 100% better when he went with lotfi.i miss the fact that we wont be together to celerbrate this eid tomorrow.in fact for the first time since i became muslim in 1998 it is the first time i havenīt been uplifted or wantedto celerbrate eid.alot is to do zakariya has his asthma school so tomorrow after noon and saturda y morning we have to be at the hospital and i really havenīt got the energy to get up early to go to the moschee then rush to the hospital as they involve alot of travelit also means being up even earlier to prepare food as zakariya canīt have the food that is on offer for at the moschee or the hospital so even more work for me.in fact i have decided today that i will give exercise a complete rest which is not me.i canīt decide weather to go shopping now then go back to bed afterwards or go to bed now and have more energy for shopping later.the fact that i am even thinking of going back to bed at all tells me in itself that i am not good.i am also worrying about my up and coming operation,which i know is daft i have already had two of them and i know times are a lot differant from when my nana died in the same op when i was 24 but the fear is still there.i guessit is the case of too much at a time,what with lotfiīs accident,just getting over that thenayman was in hospital and the usual running around anyway has just got to me and before i go in a slump or go into hiding again i thought i would get it out in the open.writing this has helped i have decided not to add the stress of going to the moschee we can celerbrate at home till we have to go to the hospital for zakariyas asthma school.i will go try to sleep now before going shopping and the sweets etcto make for eid i can leave till this afternoon and make with the kids.the rest willhave to take it as i find it.thanks for listening to my rambles those that do.take care and keep smiling