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    CANADIANKIM   24,094
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Heartbroken


Tuesday, October 23, 2012

Hello SparkFriends. Well, here I am again, after quite the year. I need a recap...if you haven't been reading my blogs (and really, who has? lol) then this reflection might help:

In early 2011 I read a few inspirational diet books, including "Adventures of Dietgirl." In April 2011, I started my own "Dietgirl" blog, by weekly tracking my weight and posting it. I was already down at that time, but the blog started in April 2011 at 212.8 lbs. By September 2011, I was down to 190 lbs, and was thrilled with the results. More than the pounds, I had gone from a size 18 to a size 12/13!

At that time, I had been separated from my husband for 18 months and had done a lot of work on "me"...focused on my great girls, my health, and my own happiness. And then I met my beautiful beau.

Since meeting him, my weight went down a bit (lowest was 182 lbs!) but largely hovered around 185 for the entire year we've been together. This past July, for health reasons, I had to have an IUD implanted. Within a week of that surgery, my weight was 195 lbs! I've been struggling with this, and my doctor says I need to give my body 3-6 months to adapt and adjust. Ugh.

Last week, my new relationship ended. I am heartbroken, but rational about this. We have been struggling to connect since August, and it started to feel like we were going in different directions. He was working all the time, and I was very low on the priority list. And then it just fizzled....I'm not really sure what the reason was on his end for letting it end. I know my reasons, and I feel okay about it rationally. But I am heartbroken emotionally. I really wanted it to work. I really wanted him to fight for me (for us) and to say, "Baby, I can't live without you." and all that other stuff.

In many ways, this relationship has been wonderful for me. He called me beautiful all the time. He seemed to love being with me. And my size was really the same for the entire year. But I have to tell you, SparkFriends, that I cannot stop thinking that if I had been smaller...if I had not gained that ten pounds in the summer (ten pounds, for goodness sake!)...if I had been a size 8 instead of a size 13....that this would not be happening.

I know that's the emotional piece. I know the rational, calm arguments. He gave no indication the weight was ever an issue - this is in my mind, not reality. And why would I want to be with someone if ten pounds really made a difference anyway? And I'm still the same person.....But man, it's hurting.

So, I'm working on it, friends. I am tracking my food, I am blogging, and I think I will start my dietgirl blog again. Not for him, but for me. I need to feel good again. I need to feel progress again. I need to remember that I was desirable at this weight a year ago, and I can be again.

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But my friends, I do need to tell you...my heart is just broken.

Thank you for listening. ~ Kim
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  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

KEIRASMAMA 10/24/2012 10:49AM

    Aww I'm so sorry to hear about this Kim. It is so easy to focus on yourself and what you see as your negatives when you are feeling down about things. This likely was not meant to be. He was good for you in that he made you feel beautiful along the way but not quite good enough for the long haul. Hang in there while you work through the sadness but definitely try not to attack yourself as you do so. emoticon

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PRAIRIECROCUS 10/24/2012 1:18AM

    emoticon

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ZINNIA729 10/23/2012 5:20PM

    Hi, the IUD affected my weight too. However, what the scales say is just one facet of who we are as people. You may be going through an emotional time now but you sound like in essence you know where you're at. Chin up and remember there's no shame in putting yourself first for a while! emoticon

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HOPEFULME 10/23/2012 4:28PM

  Sorry to hear you are hurting Kim. You are a beautiful person inside and out. "Hugs" - Take Care.

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COURTNEY055 10/23/2012 3:27PM

    Ugh...I'm so sorry you're going through this! BUT, you are right in that the weight had nothing to do with it. You are a beautiful woman. Your pic is beautiful. Sometimes we have a tendency to jump into the arms of men who pay more attention to us than we think we deserve..(Not saying u did that but sometimes I have done that)..was that the case after thinking about it? MS-H is right, there will be other men. How old are you? You look very young. Take your time. Don't settle. Be picky about the next man. For now, focus on yourself and your girls! Sounds like you're motivated again to commit to spark and going back on that healthy lifestyle journey..that's awesome! So, keep that motivation alive and keep up with that drive..It will get u much farther than being with a guy who can't make u #1 in his life. I know u loved (maybe still love) him but it just wasn't meant to be at this point. You'll get through this. You are a strong,beautiful, fabulous woman. Look at all you've done for yourself! Keep on sparking and take care of yourself and your family! The right guy will come along and you'll know it cuz you will be his world and he WILL fight for you!

Best wishes to you!

Courtney

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CCANEZ 10/23/2012 2:46PM

    Sorry to hear this, Kim. But you are right - you can't think the weight was any part of it. It just wasn't meant to be. I heard a saying once: "People come into your life for a REASON, a SEASON or a LIFE TIME." Maybe he was part of a reason - to show you that you are beautiful, and worthy of being loved and worthy of being with someone who will make you their world. I'm so sorry your heart is hurting, but it will get better! Put your time into yourself right now. Hugs to you!

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MS_HEATHER121 10/23/2012 2:07PM

    emoticon It sounds like you're back on the right path. And there's a guy out there... one that will always make you a priority! I had a guy like yours, and I had to go into the hospital for a week. In that week he decided I wasn't worth it anymore. I'm happier now than I have been in a long time. Take your time and refocus on you.

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