Hello SparkFriends. Well, here I am again, after quite the year. I need a recap...if you haven't been reading my blogs (and really, who has? lol) then this reflection might help:
In early 2011 I read a few inspirational diet books, including "Adventures of Dietgirl." In April 2011, I started my own "Dietgirl" blog, by weekly tracking my weight and posting it. I was already down at that time, but the blog started in April 2011 at 212.8 lbs. By September 2011, I was down to 190 lbs, and was thrilled with the results. More than the pounds, I had gone from a size 18 to a size 12/13!
At that time, I had been separated from my husband for 18 months and had done a lot of work on "me"...focused on my great girls, my health, and my own happiness. And then I met my beautiful beau.
Since meeting him, my weight went down a bit (lowest was 182 lbs!) but largely hovered around 185 for the entire year we've been together. This past July, for health reasons, I had to have an IUD implanted. Within a week of that surgery, my weight was 195 lbs! I've been struggling with this, and my doctor says I need to give my body 3-6 months to adapt and adjust. Ugh.
Last week, my new relationship ended. I am heartbroken, but rational about this. We have been struggling to connect since August, and it started to feel like we were going in different directions. He was working all the time, and I was very low on the priority list. And then it just fizzled....I'm not really sure what the reason was on his end for letting it end. I know my reasons, and I feel okay about it rationally. But I am heartbroken emotionally. I really wanted it to work. I really wanted him to fight for me (for us) and to say, "Baby, I can't live without you." and all that other stuff.
In many ways, this relationship has been wonderful for me. He called me beautiful all the time. He seemed to love being with me. And my size was really the same for the entire year. But I have to tell you, SparkFriends, that I cannot stop thinking that if I had been smaller...if I had not gained that ten pounds in the summer (ten pounds, for goodness sake!)...if I had been a size 8 instead of a size 13....that this would not be happening.
I know that's the emotional piece. I know the rational, calm arguments. He gave no indication the weight was ever an issue - this is in my mind, not reality. And why would I want to be with someone if ten pounds really made a difference anyway? And I'm still the same person.....But man, it's hurting.
So, I'm working on it, friends. I am tracking my food, I am blogging, and I think I will start my dietgirl blog again. Not for him, but for me. I need to feel good again. I need to feel progress again. I need to remember that I was desirable at this weight a year ago, and I can be again.
But my friends, I do need to tell you...my heart is just broken.
Thank you for listening. ~ Kim