Sunday, October 21, 2012
So the past month has not gone well at all. Ever since my husbands mouth surgery I just fell out of the small routine I had going and have not been able to pick it back up again. The motivation is just not there. I get on SP almost every day and read other peoples successful blogs or blogs about how they're struggling but still able to get in some exercise and improve themselves. I feel as if I am doing absolutely nothing. I am still eating smaller portions sizes and nothing with high fructose in it. But it's not enough. I lost 2 pounds last month. At least it was something. But I know I could be doing SO much better. I'm just NOT. I seem to be stuck in this funk and don't see a way out. I have been so BORED and lonely, battling a simmering anger at the injustice of life and law for which there is absolutely NOTHING I can do anyways. I sit here day after day and see our world just dying and know there is absolutely nothing I can do about it. I stress about impossibly stupid things I have no control over. Like if/when an enemy country is supposed to bomb us or throw an EMP our way because our government is retarded and they blame the whole country for the stupid heads of state which us poor and low income families can do absolutely nothing about. I don't want to die just because some foreign dignitary doesn't like what my countries dickheads are doing in government. And if an EMP is set off by another country or by the sun doing it's natural thing, my family is going to suffer! I don't want to see my son starving and my husband desperate.
See? Stupid things I have no control over. It doesn't help that my son has been coming home from his biological mothers house every other weekend with a HUGE attitude. I HATE that woman. She doesn't deserve to see my son. She is the one who screwed up and doesn't treat him right, yet she is still allowed to see MY son every other weekend and completely undo all the training and disciplining we have been working on with him. She doesn't deserve to be a mother, and yet she went and had 2 more kids when she SHOULD NOT be a mother. Yet I can't even get pregnant ONCE! I see it so often, and not just with myself. Why do all the unfit women who shouldn't even THINK about children are the ones who have umpteen amount of them, yet the good parents are the ones who can't have them? And that cow is even bigger than me and she got pregnant just fine. I'm trying to eat healthy and randomly do an exercise now and then and i'm nowhere as large as she is and I CAN'T GET PREGNANT??? How does that happen?
My husband is SUCH a good man. He tries to help me out when he can. He tells me i'm beautiful all the time, even tho I do not see it in myself. But i feel lost and alone. He works 3rd shift making some decent money, enough to pay our bills and rent. We live paycheck to paycheck with not really enough for extra things afterwards. We get government issued food stamps but they recently lowered our amount so towards the end of each month we're kind of scrounging for food, but we manage. As long as my son gets the food he needs I don't mind skipping some meals. But my hubby works at night and sleep during the day. Which leaves about an hours worth of time for us in the evening right before I drive him to work. Our son and I are feeling a bit neglected and we're sort of dueling it out for who gets to spend time with daddy on his days off. Wrong I know, but I can't help it. So more often then not, lil guy is grounded for attitude and misbehavior.
We're hoping with our tax return this coming new year (if we don't lose all electricity b/c of an emp attack) that we can take that money and move into a place with my sister and nephew a lil farther north. She has been a huge motivator to me in the past and I to her. I miss her so much and it will just be an awesome improvement for everyone. My sister and I will be able to motivate and help each other, there will be a 3rd adult in the house that can help watch my son so I could go and get a job again. My nephew who is now 12 (or maybe 13... I can't remember anymore) has never really had a constant man in his life and would benefit GREATLY for his uncle mike to live with him, as well as me being there for him. And he has wanted a lil brother or sister and his mommy's not quite ready for that, so my son moving in would be like a new little brother for him. And my husband could hopefully get a new job, maybe even find a career, because the area we are looking to move has SO much more around and is nearer to some major cities. All around a decent idea. My sister and nephew are so excited and can't wait. However we have to wait til March, which seems like a LOOOOOOONG ways away. So i'm miserable and waiting til then. They say waiting is the hardest part, and it is.
So i'm just all kinds of screwed up with nowhere to turn. Thank you to everyone who has still been there to throw me encouraging words and digital hugs. It has helped to be sure. But for now I guess I will just focus on maintaining my portion sizes if not completely healthy. Maybe one day i'll be able to get back into exercising most days again. We'll just have to WAIT (grrr) and see what the future brings. Death and destruction! or Hope and new beginnings.