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I won't accept this

Friday, October 19, 2012

My weight went up this week instead of down. It's not a case of doing everything right & still gaining. It's a case of failing to try.

I did step up my exercise this week & am feeling a pleasant soreness in my neglected muscles as a result. For only the second time since I fell & reinjured my left arm, Wednesday I did a long 28-Day Bootcamp session (SP video mixing cardio & strength training). My left arm still can't quite straighten out the whole way, & I didn't try to force it & did use lighter weights than I used to. I think it's going to be OK without another round of PT.

So I'm back on track in that department. It's helping me generally to feel more cheerful--I knew it would. Nothing like exercise endorphins to restore perspective.

I also saw my new spiritual director a couple of weeks ago & was SO encouraged. She listened well to me & explained that she takes a psychospiritual approach & often works with dreams. She led me in a short open-ended meditation that took me pretty deep into my pain. I've come to understand that being IN my pain (rather than avoiding it, which I've always been pretty good at) is one of my life tasks right now. So when I do have a particularly sad day (as I did recently after reading a novel about a marriage destroyed by narcissism, like mine), I remind myself that it's OK, that I need to go through this rather than around it. And making that choice means I'm not helpless, & that in itself makes me feel better.

I put my dream journal next to my bed with a pen again. Thus far I've recorded bits of several dreams--maybe some of them will be good material for discussion next time I see my spiritual director, in late November.

Now it's time to get serious about my eating again. I won't accept an upward weight/bodyfat spiral even if I'm going through an emotionally hard time. Reestablishing consistently healthy choices in my eating will be another way to comfort myself. In the coming week I will LOSE weight!

I'm writing this on an Amtrak train, headed for a long-awaited St. Louis visit with my granddaughter (& my son & DIL)! MUCH more comfortable than Megabus, I must say. Gonna be a great weekend!
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    I'm behind in my reading and posting, but soooo appreciate your openness, and your ability to communicate truth. It's hard to sit with the pain. But you're so right, avoidance is destructive.

    Hope you had a really wonderful time with your family - and a lovely thanksgiving!

    1920 days ago
    So glad you are working through this instead of avoiding it all!

    Post some pics of your weekend!

    Love ya,
    1948 days ago
    It's just really hard to be angry and upset sometimes. It's not a nice place to be, and we all want to walk past it too fast. I'm glad you're seeing someone who can guide you through all this and maybe doing a little kickboxing will get some of that anger out.
    1952 days ago
    So cool that you are blogging from a train!
    Have a great visit with your granddaughter, DIL and son!

    So often the pain feels too much to bear and we avoid it. I have had trouble being in touch with anger until I saw a Christian counselor who taught me it was OK to get angry...

    Happy to hear you are getting in touch with those feelings

    Good job on working out. That's where I've been slacking lately and it has really affected my mood. I am getting back on track this weekend with walking and will be walking a race on Sunday.
    1954 days ago
    Getting quality time to explore the pain will pay dividends, but find some joy to balance your life too. I'm sure being with the family will provide that
    best wishes, Sandra
    1954 days ago
    Don't forget, muscle weighs more than fat! With sticking to your workouts this past week, perhaps you're getting stronger! Get your eating together, keep working on your stress, and I'm sure you will see results!
    1954 days ago
    Yay for St. Louis!!! And yay for spirtual directors! You can do it, Ruth! You can get back on track!
    1954 days ago
    You can take charge of those things you need to. Enjoy your weekend with your family!

    1954 days ago
    I am glad things went well with your spiritual advisor. I hope you continue to heal and find peace. emoticon
    1954 days ago
    1954 days ago
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