Since the beginning of the year, I want to say I have roughly gained 10-15 lbs. I pertain that to a bunch of things: moving in with my boyfriend, different schedule, different habits in terms of eating and exercise, stress, work. Just everything. Well it really has started to affect me. The other day I was showering, and I just broke down crying. I was SO upset with myself. With my appearance, with my self-esteem, all of it. Not to mention I am struggling with adjusting BC bills and that whole thing, it hasnít been a pleasant road for me in terms of my body just sucking. On the other hand, things with Ahren and our little life have been great! We struggled the first 4-5 months living with each other. It was hard. I am finding myself happy but unhappy all at once and that leads me to just stress out even more than I want to allow myself to. I have been going to therapy for the past 2 months or so, and itís been helping me with lifeís constant things that I have struggled with for some time but I never really bring up my issue with weight. He knows I crave routine and schedules and things like that, but I never really mentioned how I guess weight obsessed I am. Maybe I should bring it up.
Growing up during that time in your life where youíre in your teens and you are growing into your body, I was chubby. I slimmed down the end of high school but then bam! College came around and I gained a bunch of weight. I just started dating Ahren, I was happy and comfortable and within that first year I just lived it up and gained 40+ lbs. At that point, my mother mad it very apparent that I was huge and that it wasnít good and all that jazz, and I knew it, but my problem was I had NO IDEA what to do about it. I never went to the gym I never watched what I ate, so it was like learning to ride a bike at age 20. When I found out about Sparkpeople, it was everything I craved Ė it was order and routine and scheduling. I LOVED IT! Sparkpeople and I were BFF my entire senior year of college and I was able to lose most of those 40 lbs before graduation.
Fast forward to now Ė the present. I want to be besties with my BFF again. I REALLY DO. I need to be a pain in my own ass from now on. I was SO hardcore with everything, my food my exercise my entire way of life. And I liked it. Sure, I like to indulge -- hello I live 10 minutes from Philly and there are great food opportunities. And yeah, I like to go do lunch with coworkers. BUT I realize that I cannot keep this up. Itís not who I want to be, itís not me. I want to be happy with my weight again, fit into my jeans again, gain control again!
Today I set new goals on Sparkpeople:
20 lbs to lose by February 1, 2013
I originally wanted to do it for my birthday March 9, 2013. But I want the challenge. I am making my calendar for the next 2 months with exercise, printing out new vegetarian dinner and lunch recipesí (because man I am in a RUT with that!), and figuring out my plan of attack.
I can do this!