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Keeping busy doesn't help, it seems

Friday, October 19, 2012

I have a list of phone numbers I have to call, in order to handle issues with the estate. I don't really want to call any of them, but there is one I have to call today, to see if I qualify for a one-time payout from a provincial department to help cover his funeral costs.

Step-Son texted me last night, he wants to talk. I'm not looking forward to this one at all, but it has to be done soon.

Tal's shop called, they want me to come in today for a short visit. They have a card for me, and when I get there, I'm also going to make an appointment to get the list of mechanical issues with the truck, so I can figure out if it's better to fix this one, fix the white truck that we bought from Step-Son, or go buy a new(er) one altogether.

I have papers from the bank, and I am very relieved that we had life insurance on our mortgage (mandatory from bank) and on the loan we had just taken out in August. I remember the day we went in for the paper signing of the loan, and he started to argue about the life insurance on the loan. I had told him that we would keep it on the loan for a year, and we would look at it again later. You have no idea how relieved I am that the loan was covered.

I also need to call Blue Cross, to find out if there was any insurance for him via the health insurance we have through work. I highly doubt there's anything, but I'll call to find out.

There is also a monthly pension that I will receive from the feds, CPP papers, and thankfully, we had filed our income taxes the last couple years as a married couple. And that his divorce was finalized, so his ex doesn't get a penny. I'm quite relieved over that one. I don't want to be mean, but his ex is a headcase, and he was always pleased that he had finished that paperwork. (It sure pushes me to get my divorce papers finalized.) I'm talking to his ex on the phone while I type this, and all I want to do is hang up on her. She was never one of my favourite people, and I know it's mean, but I'm not going to deny that she still angers me when I hear her voice. But I'm trying to be civil, for the sake of his children and his best friend (his ex's fiance). But I could go on without ever speaking to her again.

I still have no appetite. If I manage to eat 3 F&V's on my own, I'm doing good. There's no joy in eating, or many other things for that matter. Food tastes good, but I'm barely able to finish an apple or half a plate of food or even half a sandwich. And family is watching me like a hawk when it comes to the food. I'm forgetting to eat. I look at food and turn my nose up in disgust. I keep sipping from my water bottle, but I'm having trouble remembering how many bottles I've gone through. And I've been very afraid to even consider eating chocolate or doughy/bread-y snacks, since they are my comfort foods.

I'm just so sad when I'm alone with my thoughts.


I love you, Sweet Heart. I wish you weren't supposed to leave me so soon.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    i have no words.
    thinking of you.
    1948 days ago
    Yes, give yourself permission to cope however you need to.
    You are in my thoughts and prayers as well.
    1948 days ago
    You are keeping busy with things right now that keep you focused on your loss. I think when those things settle down, that is when you need to keep busy. And Jo, if you need your comfort food to help right now, eat it. Just give yourself a time frame to indulge, then get back on track. You are AMAZING women!!! Give yourself a little break. :) Thinking of you. emoticon
    1949 days ago
    JO, I have no words of wisdom , I have no idea what it feels like to feel that kind of pain but I do want you to know that we are all here with much love and support. It is going to take time, you are a strong woman, as a matter of fact one of the strongest that I know, you will get through this, just keep talking because that is one of the things that can help you, letting go of the the hurt and pain and having the love of all of your friends and family to help you through those hard times. Take Care my love. emoticon
    1949 days ago
    I know there is really nothing anyone can say or do to bring you comfort, but I do want you to know how much I care about you and that I pray for better days to come for you soon, and that God grants you the strength and courage you need to get you through until that time. I know you are already a strong woman and you will get through this, just keep letting the pain out, don't hold it in. Sending love and a big hug for you, my dear friend.

    1950 days ago
    Je pense à toi, Jo. Non, faire de la paperasse énervante, ça n'aide pas à avoir moins de peine. Mais la plupart de ces choses-là peuvent attendre encore un bon bout de temps si tu veux -- quoiqu'il est possible que tu te sentes soulagée d'en être débarassée quand ce sera fait.

    C'est vrai que pour l'instant, manger n'apporte pas de joie, ni les autres parties de la vie. Mais il faut que tu te souviennes qu'un jour, tu iras mieux; un jour, tu retrouveras une certaine joie de vivre.

    Hang in there, know that life will get better, just hang onto life.

    Toute mon amitié,

    1951 days ago
    Im also very sorry to hear of your loss, and know that your friends here are thinking of you. Stay strong and focused.

    1951 days ago
    My heart is breaking for you!

    I can't even imagine what you are going through.

    I have no words, just that I am thinking of you!

    1951 days ago
    I'm so sorry to hear of your loss. You must be exhausted in every way (physically, emotionally), and it is going to take a lot of time to heal.

    Stay strong, and lean on that support system of all those family members and friends who are watching over you. That's why they're there.

    I wish you the best in wrapping up all the paperwork you have to deal with - as if loss isn't already hard enough. :-(

    God bless.
    1951 days ago
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