Friday, October 19, 2012
For those that read my last post and maybe wondered: I'm still alive. I'm still dealing with the salvaging effort. Sometimes I feel I was the only hurt party; I've been instantly turned into a clingy, needy, insecure creature that needs near constant positive reinforcement just to keep functioning. Okay: not THAT bad, but close enough. I'm trying to balance out; chaos is NOT a norm in my life. I'm drama free, peaceful, laid back, loving, caring, giving. Sometimes I'm good for a fully day, sometimes a few full days... but then the clingy, needy, insecurity hits, and I'm a mess.
All parties involved are picking up the pieces as they can, helping one another along as they can, healing and repairing what can be fixed. No serious intense discussions yet, as I know my heart isn't healed enough yet to bear it. (I'm also struggling with occasional feelings of wanting revenge, and damn the consequences, but mature, sensible adult tendencies take over).
And I just realized yesterday... the "best friend" of whom I thought for so many years: "I love him as a friend, I'm not IN love with him"... it turns out I AM in love with him. Even now.
Umm.... That wasn't what I was intending to write. But I'm leaving it as is.
When cleaning house the past few weeks, I was drinking lots of water due to working so hard and sweating like crazy. And for some reason I got into a sauteed spinach kick. But this week I've fallen back to "let's grab something outside, and not cook." I've also realized a LOT of that is caused by my emotions. Well... what I've discovered is that, when I get emotional, I don't eat. Which eventually gives me a headache. But also, makes it more difficult to deal with my emotions. Which ... since I'm then more emotional, I may recognize that my belly is growling but... I don't want to cook. I don't want to eat. Throw "tired" on top of it? Not eating and lack of sleep make my emotions wild and uncontrollable. Half of my "clingy, needy, insecure" feelings go away after I eat and take a nap. Or maybe the feelings are still there, but they are manageable. Hungry, sleepy and emotional ... I just can't handle it.
My new Mantra for my life is: "Eat. Rest. Be well of heart. Breathe." I think it's a good one. I need to keep remembering it. Working at it. And re-set my mind from "Jack in the Box is only 3 blocks away... I really need food" to... "Make myself cook and eat healthy so I can deal with life." And, with a little luck, lose a lot of weight so I can "win" the free cruise I talked my Female Best Friend into giving me if I reach my goals.