Fat and depressed...
Thursday, October 18, 2012
It's been months since I last posted... or even logged on to SparkPeople. Since giving birth, I've had quite the whirlwind of events, leaving me feeling really down on myself and my body. Needless to say, I'm not happy.
When Alex was two months old, I was having these bouts of extreme stomach pain, usually at night. One night, the pain was so bad, I felt like I was dying. I had some leftover Tylenol with Codeine from giving birth, so I took two. It did nothing. Finally, after an hour of intense pain in the middle of the night, it began to subside. Breastfeeding was not joyous this night.
The next morning, I called my primary physician. She told me to head to the ER. Well, I got there around 3pm. Hey... mommy duty comes first. Besides, the pain was gone at that time. I wasn't comfortable leaving my two month old with anyone other than myself or my husband, so I had my aunt come with me to help me take care of the baby while in the ER. That probably wasn't the wisest choice, but this mommy is too attached. My oldest (7 years old) chose to go with my father. My husband was trying to finish up his work early to get to the ER.
Well, no sooner do my aunt and I pull up to the ER entrance, I start feeling the pain come back. Let's just say, but the time I finally saw a doctor, I had puked all over the waiting room, was screaming in pain, and was pretty incoherent... but I wasn't an emergency for them, per se. My husband did make it before I was called back to a room, so I had him help with the baby.
My poor aunt though.
Anyways, it turned out I had some pretty big gall stones that were stuck and trying to pass. So, I ended up with pancreatitis, and an inflamed liver. The only solution -- remove my gallbladder. I ended up staying in the hospital for nearly five days!!!
Without my baby. Without my oldest. Without my husband.
I was pleasant, but depressed. I was also on a pretty high dose of morphine, so I slept.. A LOT! Thank God for that stuff!
But, I ended up losing my milk supply during that time, even though breastfeeding had been perfect up until that time. I was very disappointed.
After about a month, I was pretty much recovered, except for one incision, which took another whole month to heal. Oh -- that's because I had an allergic reaction to the glue they used to close up my incisions with! Ugh.
Fast forward to today...
I'm sad because, yesterday, I had to put my beloved doggy down to sleep. His name was Dippy. He's been my family's pet for nearly 12 years! He was a pit-bull that I sort of rescued at four months of age (long story). His original name was Killa... but he was nothing but a big, sweet dope... hence his name, Dippy.
My oldest grew up with this dog. Climbed over this dog. Pulled his ears. Yanked his tail. Rode him like a horse. Dippy just gave kisses. I'm so sad to lose him.
Old age wasn't treating him so well, especially these past two weeks. He could no longer hold his bladder, his hips weren't what they used to be, and going number two was a big ordeal (he couldn't arch his back correctly).
We made the very tough decision to euthanize him.... which I thought would be a relatively peaceful way to go, considering the alternative (old age and in pain). It was horrible to witness. He had a seizure from the first medicine they give. I felt so guilty for doing that to him. I wish I hadn't, but at the same time I know living a little longer wouldn't have been much better. Being already almost 12 years old, who's to say he even had until tomorrow.
I guess, I just feel guilty. A part of me feels like I caused his death and that I should have and could have done more. But I also know that I would only be prolonging the inevitable.
A piece of me will always be with that damn, dopey, amazingly wonderful dog.
I almost expect him to be laying in his bed every time I walk past it... but he's not there.
So, I feel sad. Guilty and depressed.
I want to change. I need to change.
I need to start with myself!