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    GAYLEHOUSE   13,623
10,000-14,999 SparkPoints
The food is not the problem, it's ME!

Wednesday, October 17, 2012

I am a food addict. One day in my semesters in the Nursing program, for one of my clinicals I attended an AA meeting at a facility for drug treatment. As I sat through this meeting, I was almost in tears. Even though they were referring to alchohol addiction, everything they talked about was me and my addiction to food. I felt like I belonged there as much as those that were attending. I went home and told my husband this (who happens to be an alchoholic, but does not go or try to quit completely). I told him I felt like I belonged there. I did make a phone call to a local OA about a meeting but never went. I do know that we can have lots of tools in front of us, but bandaids do not fix the real problem. If the underlying issue is not dealt with, all of the things we use to try to change it will not change it inevitably. It will rise back up. I had been considering the lap-band surgery but now know that this as well would be a tool that would not fix the real problem. It does not cause self-control forever. I know of people who have gotten this and down the road been back in the same boat. It was a way in my mind to help find some self-control. I need to find it within myself. Surgery will not give it to me. I feel good that I am digging deeper. The food is not the problem, it's ME! :)
I have decided to come back to utilize the tools that have been handed to me for free that can only reinforce my success. I have made attempts and not stuck with them. This time I am setting up rewards for myself.
I had a major painful event in my life a couple of years that creeps up on me at times. Sometimes, I feel depressed and want to eat because of it but I am determined to make it into a positive and let it motivate me instead.
I also work nights as an RN so it makes it a bit more of a challenge since my days tend to get all messed up, making it hard to have a routine on a daily basis as well as my shift loves to eat! They order out almost every night I work. I do love it because it gives me something to look forward to, but I have to make wise choices. That is the hardest part.
I have set some goals for myself for this next year, not too overwhelming and reachable in several areas of my life that can only compliment my weight loss success. I am no longer of the mindset of "if I can" do this, but rather "I WILL" do this. One of my goals is to get on Spark daily and look at other's successes to inpsire me to keep me moving in the right direction. I am tired of living in a prison that I really have the keys to just walk out….painful as it may be….I have to admit that no one has put a spoon to my mouth.

Read my bible daily before anything else (first fruits can only make the rest of the day better)...
Pray as well.
Daily weigh-in on the days that I am not working.
Get on Spark Daily and record weight, food eaten, fitness tracker and see pages for inspiration.
Eat more vegetables and fruits daily.
Practice stress relief activities that I have recently learned to keep myself from
feeling like binge-eating.
Do an actual deep STUDY of the books I have on Binge-eating disorder and journal at the same time as I am reading/studying them.
I beleive in one magic word in life. BALANCE. In all things. This is my biggest goal. If I follow that, all other things will fall into place.
I know one of the best ways to keep my motivation (which I seem to be horrible at when it comes to losing weight) is to keep asking myself what do I want and why do I want it. So I am posting the following:

What are my goals for myself?
-To have a closer relationship with my Lord Jesus Christ.
-To lose weight steadily until I reach my goal of 155.
-To start to tan, to have nails
-To get my house back in order
-To feel good again!!!
-To make my husband and other family members proud of me rather than ashamed.
-To feel more confident in all that I do.
-To feel my clothes start to fit better
-To hear compliments from people that don't necessarily know that I am watching what I eat, that they can see that I am losing weight.
-My disconnect with God has been alot of my problem, I have fallen away and allowed the enemy to come in and get a stronghold but Strongholds are meant to be broken. :)
-I felt better when I had a tan too and nails.
-Everyone feels better when their house is clean and organized, women tend to reflect inside how their environment is and if our house is messy, we feel messy inside.
-I have memories of when I felt good, I can have that again if I make wise choices. The power is within me and no one else!
-My husband deserves a wife he can feel proud of in front of anyone and that goes for the rest of my family and friends too.
I worked hard for 3 ½ years to get my RN degree. It was a long road of sitting, hardly time for exercise, and more sitting. I had had to face feeling like a prisoner in my own body, embarrassed of how fat I am in so many situations, family gatherings, vacations, in my clinicals, even just sitting in my classes. I was always the biggest one in the room. I can be free of that now, I have no more excuses!
I mentioned that now and then I have memories of how I used to feel. I want that back. I feel I have disappointed my husband. I know this for a fact because, painfully, he has told me several times. I want that gone. I want to sit in a room full of people and feel ok with myself. I want to feel pretty again. I want to look and feel good when I walk into my patient's rooms so I can make a difference in their lives. I have started to juice fruits put antioxidants into my body. God says "I set before you life and death. Chose life." Up until now I have been chosing death by mistreating my body and feeling the repercussions of it. Now I am chosing life!!! He gave it to me, I cannot throw it away. I am ready to feel good again.
I am going to journal daily/nightly when I am at home alone. I am going to STUDY books that I have bought about binge eating disorder and journal about the things I learn and relate to.
I know in this life, I have UNENDING tools to use that I have not been using. I will be using them constantly even if I have to put sticky notes all around my house to remind me of what I am doing so I don't get off track.....
and Oh, how I love my MP3 player!! :)
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

TDEGEN 11/3/2012 4:56PM

    you have support!!! i have overcome food addiction and KNOW you can too!!! faith in yourself is all you need!!!


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JUNEAU2010 10/17/2012 10:19PM

    Fantastic blog!

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NIKO27 10/17/2012 8:06PM


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BEAUTIFUL_REINA 10/17/2012 6:50PM

    Its a good point you made, the comparison between overeating and alcoholism. I've thought that before too. I wonder if OA would be a useful tool for me....

I love your background pic, what a beauty you are. I wanted to urge you to consider a faux tan, maybe a spray on tan, instead of a real one because of the heath hazards they pose. You are so valuable, to be doing anything like that to yourself!!

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