Wednesday, October 17, 2012
I've been super busy recently between a few exams I had and then turning 21 in NYC! Let's see, the basic rundown is this: the second time around is harder than the first. Let. Me. Tell. You. I'm personally really surprised at this realization and I wondered if I was going to continue to fail forever. I'm practicing will power more now, but it's pretty difficult. I did myself a serious disservice over the summer by allowing myself to binge daily and fall off working out because shrinking your stomach sucks and coming off of the sugar/salt/fat is mentally and physically taxing. Super hard to get back into the swing of things, even after a good month and a half!
I was doing really well keeping on, but then I had a series of events where I just let myself stop caring. Drinking gives way to the drunchies, traveling makes you feel like all things go out the window, and that's just not the case. So oddly enough, turning 21 and feasting in New York caused me to draw a sad, but necessary conclusion: I may no longer drink. I know, cold turkey isn't something I have to do. But if I've learned anything coming back into this lifestyle, it's that I am an all-or-nothing girl. I can't just have the tip of a cheesecake lol. I want the whole thing...as in, the whole cake. The other day, I sat and watched a show and mindlessly ate an ENTIRE bag of kettle chips. Under normal circumstances, I wouldn't even do that when I wasn't eating better. But it's been a mental thing - just knowing I shouldn't, I subconsciously made the effort to do it. CRAZY.
A lot has contributed to me not completely staying faithful. The first is I started back working out where I left off working out. I worked my way from January to May, starting at 8 speed on the bike to being able to sustain 14-15 speed. It took me four months to work up to that point, and I threw my body into that and expected it to cope well. I came back like a bat out of hell doing that, burning serious calories in one-hour sessions, and then sitting down to eat 1200 calories. INSANE. Then I was getting pissed off at my body for almost "betraying" me by giving me headaches (I thought it was my body just being a baby while getting used to eating less and missing bad food) and giving me the urges to eat. I would drown myself in water, until one night last week I actually couldn't fall asleep like I usually try to do to stop my hunger. I had to get up, go downstairs and have a wrap made for me. That was sort of my wake-up call that maybe I was doing something wrong.
I am so sorry to my body for doing that. I really am. I need to be kind to it, and now I know better. I was going for 700 calorie torch sessions and eating 1200 calories to "make up" for the days I would slack a bit. I would also do it even when I didn't slack, which was even worse. In hindsight, how could I NOT realize that that wasn't doing justice to my journey? When I would get on the scale, of course I would lose the weight, but at what cost? I wasn't starving myself by any means, but I was doing too much and running on so little. So, I guess in a roundabout way, I was starving a little.
And that's when I found that that was my binge trigger. I was so mad at myself for giving into these intense "cravings" my body was having, but they weren't cravings for chips or other snacks. They were literal meal cravings. As in, I wasn't eating enough for how much exercise I was doing and my body was just asking that I give it enough fuel to get by. No wonder I would binge - by the time I finally did listen to my body, I would want to ravage the dining hall and eat everything to quickly make whatever discomfort I was feeling go away.
Coming back from New York and doing my whole eating thing there made me discover some old things I've heard before, but never experienced for myself. It's okay to have things in moderation. When I said I'm all-or-nothing, I mean more for trigger foods. I mentioned cheesecake because I know that that will send my sweet tooth a-flyin' lol. Actually, sweets in general are my weakness so I try to stray from those as much as possible. But chips, I can do so I have the baked ones in moderation (actually as I type for my snack!) I also need to get out of the mindset of "making up" for any mess-ups. That's something I NEVER did in my first round and I don't know why I think it's a good idea to fix what isn't broken. I need to revisit exactly what I did the first time and stop trying to make up new rules! It's not a good habit to mess up, but it will happen and you just have to move forward from it. I think I so desperately want to not only get back to the weight I made it to in May, but also lose more, that I'm actually hurting the process because I'm not being patient with myself. I haven't let myself work back up to that point steadily (without interruption is what I should say), so I need to chill and enjoy the ride! Not stress so much and just let the weight fall off by practicing good habits. Now, I need to work out for 35 minutes a session instead of just going straight to the hour I made it to before, for instance.
I'm going to do my 21 day habit test to help this along. The first round I did, I was paying close attention to my eating habits and workout habits. They say it takes 21 days to create a habit, so if I can go 21 straight days (starting today) without binging, I'm set! Also, no more eating 1200 calories just because. I have 350 more calories to work with and them staring at me just waiting to be used has hurt my soul lol. I need to allow myself to eat when I'm hungry, and save those calories when I'm not.
This isn't so easy the second time around, but I'm learning something new every single day.