in thse quiet moments of depseration...


who decides who we will become, what choice will we make,,,
is there anyone that is really "there for you" that can swoop in and make a different inn a way that they don't want anything in return but for you to be happy, for you to feel and experience deep relief.. and few moments to catch ur breath..

a few moments or it would be great to see a few days where things were really makking a difference and things would be changed in such a way that the fire suddenly seems mangeble...

as a mom it is my job to ensure that we are safe, well cared for,, and thngss get done.. yet who takes care of me.. my doubts my fears... my needs,,,, at this point it is gas, food, the electric not getting shut off, which job to take, and are they honest, will that be a good fit for my family, will i be gone nearly nine plus hours a day so that I can maintain the bills??? doesn't seem like a viable exchange.maybe if what just me..but its's not, and thank god. I see my kids as such a source of strenght for me... yet as i hold on and try to make the pieces fit togheter.....i know. there must b a better way..

I am trying to do so many things.. using so much of my dreams that I get lost in the day to day.. and give up in little bits.. its wierd..its like i do need help..i do need to ask i do need to keep dreaming to hold on to my dream.s...evenn if they are too lofty for what my budget and lack of funds can support...

but what if there is a way..
what if a single mom can make her way in this world. with out giving up, without watering down what makes her her....?? what if a person can transform her world.. with an idea. with some guts and with just putting herself and her ideas out there...

what If you just put your ideas out there and gave your self a chance.

I have tried toconform tried to fit in tried to do what everyone says.. just work. I am. I do. It is not enought... I live it..

I know first hand..just working isn't enough, let alone for asingle mom keeping a house and two kids...

forget the kitchen,
forget the laundry,all the chores...
i'm talking about having a place to sleep, a place for my groceries.... and a safe place to regroup and recharge..

I"m talking about a consistent neighborhood formy kids to grow up.. and for this I will continue to strive continue to move forward, Even if the threads I am holding onto are unraveling...

the truth is... since my husband decided he didn't want to be in a monogomous relationship,,, yet would not leave, It was unraveling.. that was over six years ago. AND I AM STILL STANDING..

there have been many storms,, some real, some created, yet I have stood my ground and god has blessed myself and my family, yet I do know that I must take steps, to create a foundation with him and also walk in faith..

As I hold on every day, every mnth, I see progress, but it is still the same.. bills are due, no job that pays enough per hour and I get deeper and deeper in the arrears.

It is easy for many so say, give up, give in.. pack it up..

yet I feel there are so many seeds that are planted that I just shall pick one.. and go for it..

God has yet to tell me to give up.

Every obstacle and challenge I had persevered and through much love, and clarity I am still here.. sometimes even smiling, sometimes able to brighten someones elses day, sometimes fully present and able to get things done...able to move mountains.. even if that just means making dinner and eating w/ my kids....

sometimes it has been so hard on me.. hard on my kiddos, hard to see through the real threats to our day to day... sometimes we have had to let go... to give up,, in a way,, to sacrifice..

It is not an option for thier dad to be here... he chose another path. and we are all better now, yet how do we maintain this ship w a single captain???