Wednesday, October 17, 2012
I miss him so much. I've gone into his favourite room of the house several times each day, just to see his things, smell the last clothes he wore, and just remember what life was like with him.
The memorial was nice. I heard many tell me it was beautiful, and that the tribute I wrote that the reverend read for me made many people choke up and weep. His ex also had some words to say, and although she's not my favourite person, I will give her credit for not going over any lines. Then Half-Brother had a few words, too, telling everyone how much Tal had impressed upon HB that he could be a great man, as long as he kept working at it.
The chapel was full, and staff had to open up the back end of the chapel to give everyone a chance to sit. There were so many people there. As I entered the chapel with his sister to lean on, I could tell it was full. I couldn't look around, I just didn't have it in me. But I could feel everyone there.
If Tal had been there, to talk to me, he would have downplayed that so many cared for him, and would have thought he didn't deserve this much attention.
That's the kind of man he was... always understating his importance in people's lives. Vanity wasn't a word that described him.
Mom & Dad are still here, and I've had many friends tell me to call them. And I will, soon. Honestly, I can only handle Mom & Dad in short spurts, mainly because of how we lived is/was so much different than how Mom & Dad live.
Part of the healing process, apparently, is to go through his things, and come to terms with his passing. Today, there are some things I'll be doing in the city that will be, eventually, healing to me. But it won't feel that way.
I would still rather have him with me.
I might post my tribute to him, I haven't decided yet. I might just scan it and post it instead. I know I can't type it again just yet.
Although the anti-depressants Dr. Shiona prescribed for me are helping me sleep deeper, they don't keep me asleep for more than 5-6 hrs. I don't think I've had more than 6 hrs sleep each night since he passed away. This morning, I woke up, and my first thoughts were of him. And I cried. I couldn't move. It took me a long time to be able to move. If it hadn't been for a full bladder, I might still be in bed. (It's 7am as I write this.)
My heart is so broken. I don't want to be without him. Just like I know he didn't want to be without me.
As I sat in bed, trying to get dressed, I saw the backside of a birthday card in a clear drawer he had given me this year. It wasn't a funny one, like he often would buy. It was a card that told me how much I meant to him. He wasn't much for writing, but that card said volumes. And it did again this morning, as I read it again. And then I cried. I couldn't move. I could just sit there, crying.
I don't know what I'll do without him.
He really was my everything.
I love you, Sweet Heart. Always.
Your Baby Doll