Tuesday, October 16, 2012
I am coming out of a week of bottoming out with stress. A little background. We took my dad out of a nursing home because the quality of life for him there was not good. We installed a security system at his home that I can access from my phone from anywhere so that I can check in on him with live video. I get a notification when the alarm is set off when my Dad leaves the house when he should be inside. I am on call 24/7!
I usually use the gym for a decompressor. I go three times a week to work with a trainer and I take a kick boxing class once a week. I decided to add in a class for learning how to do a 5K run.
I am watching what I eat and I feel better with less meat. No mistake I am still eating some sweets but not to the extent I was before.
The main issue right now is fatigue and I think I have come to see that it is mostly the 24/7 on call stress and the fact that I am still recovering from cancer treatment (which I minimize I might add). My Dad has left the house three times in the last month and a half and I have had to rescue him. It is a sad affair to pick up your Dad and he is confused and unaware of what he is doing. I have cared for my Dad going on to 12 years now and over the past week I have felt an anger that I have not felt before. It may have been triggered by my daughter having her tonsils out. The hospital was 40 minutes away and I had to keep track of my dad hoping the alarm didn't go off when I was so far away. I was so exhausted on Wednesday that I cancelled my gym session. I was sleeping all the time . I cancelled Friday as well. I was awakened by the alarm at 8am on Saturday morning! By the time I got home I was feeling drained.
I feel angry that I am the caregiver for everyone! Then I feel guilty because they need the care. I don't want to give up anymore of my life BUT how can I leave him in a home where he doesn't get the same care as he does at home. I know I have nothing left to give and I feel it each time I am called upon. In addition to all that I am scared that with all this stress I am worried about the cancer coming back. What a trade off. I have to abandon others to secure my health.