Sunday, October 14, 2012
I need to change things.
When I was younger and imagined my life in my mid twenties, I didn't think it would be like this. I thought that I would have more figured out and more accomplished at this point. I thought that maybe I would actually have meaningful relationships with others and feel at peace with myself. This has not happened yet. Not at all. Food is my coping strategy. It's what I use to cope with feeling let down, bored, annoyed, and I use it to fill that void that I don't like to examine or explore. That void that is the emptiness that I feel when I notice that I don't have someone to call a best friend, or even a good friend. I have collegues, coworkers, peers within my classes but I don't really have friends. And I wonder, what the heck is wrong with me that I can't form these meaningful connections that others seem to have. And I give, volunteer, do nice things for others, but I don't have that group of girlfriends or guy friends that make me feel like I'm at home. I want to stop feeling like a tourist in the town that I've lived in all my life. And rekindling the relationships I have had with my past friends makes me feel like crap, literally worse off actually. I have this core belief that I can't have friends, and it's what I have felt since about 8th grade. And it's pretty screwed up.
Yep. Pretty screwed up. I need to change this belief...
In other news, I am gaining a few pounds. They are coming on as I stay home and work on my assignments. At the gym today one of the older ladies asked me if I jogged before one of the fitness classes. I replied that yes, I did. And how I don't come to a lot of the classes anymore because of my busy schedule. I've basically been eating while writing papers. Suddenly one of the ladies in her 30s maybe said "yeah right, you keep eating..." basically implying that I was just making that all up. I was insulted but quickly brushed it off. When thinking about my body/health/weight I compare myself to people in their twenties whose bodies are pretty fit like my coworkers, interns, or classmates. I have a lot to go before I could wear those cute leggings. And the problem still remains, my eat habits stink. I have to start planning what I'll be eating again instead of writing down what I eat afterwards. I just don't want to balloon up in weight while in school, thats when my sister gained a lot of weight. It's in my genetics to become overweight but I don't want that to happen easily.
So I think that I tell myself often that I want to change. I want to feel confident, have friends, be healthy, and be able to run if needed from a charging bull. I don't know if I just have to fake it and pretend to have all those attributes until I finally feel different. It's emotionally taxing to work so hard to try to feel normal, or at least the ideal of normal.
So here is to change. I changed my background picture and body of color in my blog. It is Sunday, 5:43pm and I am trying to change again. Everyone who has changed and done anything meaningful always had a day where they started--hopefully today is my day.