Sunday, October 14, 2012
I have a number of beliefs that I have carried with me for a long time, and some of them are downright unhealthy.
My latest exercise in counselling is to write down my deep seated beliefs (especially the negative ones) and where possible say who gave me that belief. And I am going to share, because someone out there might have a light bulb moment when they see their own erroneous belief reflected.
1) I am not the pretty one – my mum spent my entire childhood telling me my sister is the pretty one, and that I have an ugly huge nose like her.
2) I am stupid – cheers dad, both my brother and sister are cleverer than me, which must be why I am the only one with a bachelor’s degree
3) I must make sure everyone else is happy – not sure who gave me this, my guess is my dad as he was a mean drunk and would get aggressive if we didn’t do exactly as he told us
4) I must look after those less capable / weaker than me – my dad often told me how we are responsible for those who are less capable than ourselves, and my mum was a union rep so championed the weak – while this should be a positive trait, due to where I am at I am looking after others when I don’t have the reserves for myself
5) I must be strong – no one can see any weakness, I need to look after the rest – this was brought about by my parents divorcing and needing to protect my little brother and sister.
6) You can only trust in yourself – both my parents showed me repeatedly you can’t trust others to be there for you, they weren’t there for me, or each other
7) I do not deserve happiness / success – my parents only ever told me that what I achieved wasn’t enough, if I was happy / successful then they would be wrong, especially my dad
8) Nothing I can do will change anything – I gave both my parents chances, I challenged them, and their behaviour, but nothing made any difference.
I am sure there is more, but that will do for tonight.