Sunday, October 14, 2012
On SparkCoach today, I was challenged to think about the reason why I have been doing this for almost 5 years now. Why do I want to be fit? Why do I want to keep working toward this goal weight.
I was on my way to blog about my injury (still there and still very frustrating), my purchase of a swimsuit for 'serious swimming' yesterday (I know that the swim suit store workers are not there to help me with my emotional needs but throw a not-emaciated girl a bone here! I did finally find one that isn't too awful), and my fear of upcoming events and keeping my calories on track (a week stay-cation and Thanksgiving which doesn't usually stress me out but we are doing a lot of hosting this year).
But anyway, the sparkcoach question got me thinking, so I think I'll write about that.
It seems timely, this question. I have doing a lot of thinking about my 'true self' recently. I have found that a LOT of things that build my identity and feelings of integrity and self-worth have gone away--either stripped away by the world or changed by me. So when you decide as a young person that THESE things are what make me valuable, hard core, awesome, and worthy, what happens when THESE things go away?
All my life I've touted the proper message about what you DO not equaling who you ARE. And I thought I believed that and lived that, so am surprised to see that I am having a crisis of confidence of sorts not that a lot has been removed. Things like, after 20 years I'm eating meat so no longer a vegetarian, I moved out of the homeless shelter where I lived as a volunteer my entire adult life, and now just live in a house with my partner and our 3 dogs--who am I if I'm not doing hospitality? These are just 2 examples, but there's a big list of stuff I used to be/do that now I don't. And I think it's really good. I am in a time of healing (after 5 tough years with the homeless family that lived with us and my dad's illness), and I want to respect myself with that. But it's caused a bit of a crisis that I am decided to delve into more deeply.
So as part of that it makes sense to ask why I keep working so hard at the health stuff. And it has felt like work recently. Mostly because of my foot injury.
I think my biggest motivator is wanting to live longer than I was on my way to--I am not sure how much my life expectancy has increased by being healthier, but I would guess it's a lot. I already have 37 years of weighing nearly 300 pounds I can never get back. But now it's been a few years under 200 pounds. And that's pretty cool!
Not only do I want to live longer, I want to live better. I don't want to dread stairs or getting in and out of cars and the like. But more than that fear and dread of everyday things, I want to be ACTIVE. I want to hike when I'm in my 80s. I want to be running 5Ks in my 70s! I want to be the energetic and positive person that I know I am deep down. I want to do what I want to do, move my body how I want to move it. And I want to do that for a long time. That feels removed from me given my injuries, but I believe it's still out there. I LOVE being an active, fit person.
I want to keep feeling the feeling of being 'normal'. After a life of daily struggles and knowing that everyone was looking at my weight and not me, I LOVE feeling like I'm not a freak. It's a long time coming.
I want to feel good, both physically and mentally. There is nothing like the feeling of strength I am capable of now. And I am learning that it is the activity and my inner work that brings the feeling, not my weight. I had days at 290 that I felt sexy and strong and awesome just like I have a lot of days at 190 now where I feel as big as I've every been, with just as much self-loathing. It's about the daily work, not the weight. If only I could remember that when I weigh myself!
I want to look good and fit into smaller clothes. I want to go into a store and not have to shop in the plus size section.
I want to show other people that it is possible. That they don't have to stay stuck in the shame and humiliation, the daily struggle of being uncomfortable physically and afraid of what situations they might get into that will be difficult and embarrassing.
I want, desperately, to be able to say I did it. I got to my goal weight. I really, really did it.
That's what I can think of right now.
What is your inner motivation on this journey?
have a good weekend,