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Day 309 - I don't have to fight, I only have to refuse to give in.

Saturday, October 13, 2012

"Give up on yourself. Begin taking action now, while being neurotic or imperfect, or a procrastinator or unhealthy or lazy or any other label by which you inaccurately describe yourself. Go ahead and be the best imperfect person you can be and get started on those things you want to accomplish before you die."
- Shoma Morita, M.D.

I'm a serial quitter. Somewhere in my deep, dark past I must have decided that in order to survive I must quit. Obviously this served me in some way, as a child. But as I grew up and certainly as I look back on my adult life, this decision has done nothing but keep me in survival mode. Not living, surviving. Day to day. Surviving was the only 'purpose' I had. I wasn't living to live an adventurous and compassionate and MEANINGFUL life; I was living to get through the day with the minimal effort, and any goals put in place by the small, hopeful voice that WANTED to live fully, was met by the most furious resistance. I ate down that little voice that wanted to feel, wanted to be strong, and wanted to live with purpose. Procrastination was my middle name.

Any changes to my ways of thinking, deep seated habits, routines, and eating behaviours are often met with anxiety, frustration or resentment. Why? I can't answer this question for anyone else but I can articulate some of the experiences I have had.

Mostly I feel the symptoms of anxiety, and a resistance to 'effort' that I tend to experience as a sudden onset of weariness (true!). The weariness thing is part real (I don't sleep well) and part learned behaviour (like Pavlov's dogs). The anxiety thing is partly facing a new thing and part (and we all tend to forget this and be kind to ourselves) not KNOWING this new skill and needing patience while practising it. It doesn't come easy. I am an expert in waiting til everything is perfect BEFORE I start making my life perfect. Ha! No wonder life never moves forward. Stasis has been not helping me survive, but killing me.

In the past when I have tried to break through this wall (e.g. dieting/running/career moves) I have done it with force, with white knuckles. I soon ran out of energy and will. I would quit.

All that I'd 'rather' be doing is nothing - going nowhere, sleep in bed, play computer, wait out the day. Day by day by day. I have such a strong attachment to it, yet at the end of the day I'd cry into my pity-party pillow with regret at not living enough, not loving enough. Instead of helping me survive, this old behaviour has turned into a Saboteur - a feisty, nasty, wounded thing that is ready for a major brawl to keep it's place as driver of my sleepy, chug-a-long bus.

I'm learning not to quit. I'm learning that I'm not the know-it-all I think I am, and that other people's advice (insert Sparkpeople) may even help me strengthen the small quiet voice inside me and help me reach that place that I want to be.

I'm learning that this is a hard journey and I can't get through it intellectually. I have to apply it - with changes, with aches and pains and setbacks. My goal can't be reached without ACTION and nobody else on this planet can do it for me.

*******But most of all I am learning that the force of will that I require has less to do with brute strength-holding-on-to-my-goal
, but with breath, a simple letting go of my attachment to whatever ELSE it is I'd RATHER be doing.********

(and one day I won't actually be rather doing anything than live daily with vibrance and purpose)

My Saboteur, my Quitter can't fight something that's not willing to fight back. I'm learning to walk away and into a new and full and purpose-filled life. I am saying no to the fight and yes to the next step, with dignity.

I don't have to fight, I only have to refuse to give in.

“It's very hard in the beginning to understand that the whole idea is not
to beat the other runners. Eventually you learn that the competition is
against the little voice inside you that wants you to quit.”
-George Sheehan

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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    Boy did you hit the nail on the head for me! Keep refusing to give in!
    1952 days ago
    G'day Mate!
    I don't know why but your blog came up on my team's (25 lbs by Christmas
    Challenge) screen. Thank You it was just what I needed. I started this challenge on Sept, 15th and so far I have lost 12 pounds. I am trying to be kind to my body this time. Eating mostly veggie and fruit and doing mild impact exercise. I have come to the conclusion that extreme measures just don't work in the long run and harm more than help. I heard that walkers live longer and healthier lives that marathon runners, body builders, or cross trainers. There was a resent statement on SP That said If we want something so bad why do we quit so much(or something like that.). That really made me think. If I want it so badly why do I keep quitting? My goal now is to just keep going.

    I drank a Mean Green Joe Cross's Juice for breakfast. It wasn't to bad and I'm feeling a bit of energy from it. I'm thinking about trying his 14 day "Reboot juice detox". Being an Aussie I was wonder what you think of Joe Cross and his film "Fat, Sick, and Nearly Dead"?

    Here's a quote I like "Motivation gets you started Habits get results."

    Hope you do have a Good Day.

    Arrrrrrr no quitting Matey! K

    1956 days ago

    Comment edited on: 10/15/2012 1:38:20 PM
    emoticon emoticon emoticon
    1956 days ago
    emoticon emoticon Blog.
    You are not a quitter - you have guts girlie. I feel like you most days
    jsut living day to day and I need to get your attitude. emoticon
    emoticon emoticon emoticon
    1956 days ago
    You've got that LEMON spirit and pride! emoticon
    1957 days ago
  • DALID414
    Cheers to not quitting!!
    1957 days ago
  • SHOES17
    THat is awesome...boy something lead me here.
    1958 days ago
  • CHRIS3874
    emoticon emoticon
    1958 days ago
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    Disclaimer: Weight loss results will vary from person to person. No individual result should be seen as a typical result of following the SparkPeople program.

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