Saturday, October 13, 2012
I've had a week of learning opportunities (otherwise known as slip ups). I'm not quite sure why old habits are rearing their heads right now. The weather is much cooler and my appetite might be increasing. But I'm engaging in overeating behaviors at dinner that I haven't engaged in since June.
The good news is that I'm not freaking out. I'm seeing them as a message that I need to check in with myself and figure out what is going on.
Coincidentally, I'm rereading Full Filled and I'm in Chapter 4, which is all about triggers, fear and questioning our limiting beliefs.
So I've been diligently doing the exercises...
What are my trigger situations: dinner, social events, restaurants.
What are the fears behind these triggers: well, it all comes down to being afraid that I'm not worthy, I'm not good enough, I feel insecure, unwanted, unappreciated, misunderstood, disliked, difficult, and many other deep rooted insecurities.
Last night, for example, I overate squash. Now I know that doesn't sound like a big deal and it's not. But the behavior made me want to look. It's Friday night. I had an exhausting week and got some very bad health news. I'm wiped out, fried, done! But I still have to put my daughter (who is very sick with a nasty cold) to bed, and I have other housework I have to do before I can get to bed. So, I overeat. I sit at the table and eat until I'm so full I feel uncomfortable, as I used to do. This is my unconscious way to get comfort, a pause, a break, and some extra energy to carry on.
Of course we all know it doesn't work. I felt sick, on top of all I had to do, and slept fitfully instead of restfully because I was too full.
What was behind it all? Fear that I wouldn't get it all done, that I wasn't good enough, that I wasn't capable. And deep down I worry all the time that I'll be found out to be a fraud, to be incompetent, to be unworthy of love.
OK, I'm unloading a lot here.
But it's all to say that in the light of day I can question all of these beliefs and know, at my core, that I'm completely worthy of love, that I am good enough, and that these limiting beliefs are just that...beliefs, not reality!