Saturday, October 13, 2012
Before I begin, I should explain to whomever is reading this blog entry that this is not about my own wedding. It involves a haunted mansion, a mysterious bathroom, and a stomach virus. You've been warned. Ha!
Even though I am "Mystery Fat Girl," I'll disclose a little something about myself. I have a degree in music, and so of course, my "day job" has absolutely nothing to do with music. I work in health care. Yes, I know - a little ironic for a fat girl to work in health care, but it is what it is. On occasion, I play music professionally. This past week, I had a wedding gig at a beautiful, supposedly haunted, mansion. I had been battling a stomach virus several days prior, but by the day of the wedding, I was feeling totally better. So the thought that I would have... a stomach issue to put it politely... on the day of the wedding didn't cross my mind. Naturally, as I was making the hour-long drive to the venue, my stomach started making bubbly noises and I began feeling that sour, icky feeling. The "oh boy, I need a bathroom NOW" feeling.
I decided there was no time to stop somewhere to use a bathroom, so I foraged ahead. After parking at the beautiful, historic mansion, I approached the beautiful, huge, mansion doors and swiftly moved through them as my tummy rumbled like a science experiment. The foyer was gorgeous, with flowers, and tulle, and little aisles of antique chairs. The father of the bride was walking around, greeting guests. There was a photographer snapping shots of guests as they arrived, and of course he captured a photo of me in a cold sweat, looking pale and nauseous, clutching my stomach with one hand and a music stand with the other. Great. There's one for the scrap book! So I literally ran toward him and blurted out "Where's the bathroom???!!!!" And of course he said he didn't know. Desperate now, I dropped my stand and instrument on the floor and grabbed some other random person by the arm, "Bathroom???!!!" And she responded "Oh it's right there. But there's only one. Maybe someone's in there." Great, just my luck. It's a 150 year old mansion. There is only one bathroom. AARRHH!!! Thankfully, no one was in there. I ran in and started to prepare to use the toilet, but to my horror, I noticed something wasn't quite right. I saw a metal plaque affixed to the wall behind the toilet with a little blurb about the historical significance of it. A RARE, ANTIQUE TOILET!!! I guess asses were smaller 150 years ago because this little toilet was comically small. The bowl had beautiful, Victorian writing all over it and there was one of those old wooden box things up near the ceiling with a pull chain. Oh dear Lord. For a split second, I actually looked at the sink as a possible toilet alternative, but remembering that scene from the movie "Bridesmaids," I decided I had better just use the antique toilet. (LOL)
I won't tell you what came next except to add that the antique toilet had a certain acoustic quality that amplified the horrible noises happening there and the walls of the mansion were paper thin. As I sat there on the thrown, I could hear people walking and talking outside of the bathroom clear as a bell. I'm certain they could hear me. And apparently, you're not suppose to pull those toilet chain things while you're still seated because... Well, let's just say something bad happened. Ha!
On a brighter note, I felt much better after using the bathroom and the wedding music was applauded.