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    JUST-DUCKY   64,322
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I choose pretty

Friday, October 12, 2012

"Would you rather be pretty or fat?"

I know that sounds like a horribly rude question but in context - it opened my eyes and made me realize how I was not in control of my life.

In scenario one, I lose weight. I feel and look good. Hot even, pretty. I start feeling confident and wear clothes that fit, maybe even wear make-up again. I walk with my head held high and a smile on my face. I start getting noticed.

In scenario two, I do not lose weight. I wear baggy clothes and tops that hang below my stomach trying to hide the rolls. I don't mess with my hair much. I often look around a room hoping to find someone bigger than me, I hate being the biggest person in the room. I feel like I stand out.

If I were a normal person with a normal past, it would be an easy choice to want scenario one. Right? But I'm not and I don't. Last night my husband and I were talking about my weight loss journey and how I get to a certain point and struggle, every single time. It's the point where I start feeling pretty again.

So when he asked me if I would rather be fat or pretty it had nothing to do with how he feels, it was all about how I feel. I can stand out in a room because I am the fat lady or I can stand out in a room because I am pretty. And my answer made me cry. I would rather be fat. That's pretty profound. He was shocked by my answer and made me explain. It's because I hide under my fat. I shield my pain and my beauty under layers of skin. It's my wall.

What he said next really hit me. Hard.
"Then they win"
All my life I have fought to be strong and show that I am better than the abusers who hurt me. And yet, I am controlled by my past. I never saw it until last night. This whole journey, I have not been in control. That little girl is still afraid and hiding and I have to let her go. I am not her. I am in control. They will not win. I win.

I win. I am in control. I can do this. I choose pretty. I choose pretty.
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  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

4RASCALS 10/14/2012 3:46PM

    Thanks for sharing your story. I also find that to be true. I am glad that you choose pretty, since you are so worth it. Never give up.

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SPUNKYDUCKY 10/14/2012 12:12AM

    Sounds like a great conversation. Congratulations on your decision to choose actively to be the beautiful woman you already are.

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WORTHART 10/14/2012 12:11AM

    I know what you mean and I feel it deeply. I too, get to a point in my weight loss where I feel exposed and vulnerable and I sabotage myself. I'm afraid someone might get close to me and abuse me as they have so often in the past. I think I've been willing to get fit this time because I feel that even if I do become normal sized I still won't be pretty, I.e big nose, ugly teeth, wrinkles and sags, so I won't have to worry about being noticed or attracting men. Once you get to a certain age men don't seem to see you and that's okay with me.
Thank you for visiting my blog and I'd be glad to be your friend! Maybe we can become less afraid together.


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DIET_FRIEND 10/13/2012 1:39PM

    Sometimes I wonder if I didn't gain weight to hide out. I used to be relatively slim. I hope I can get back to that look before another year passes.

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WORLDSERIES11 10/13/2012 4:53AM

    That was beautifully insightful and profound. Such a powerful realization!! I'm like you...need to stop letting the past and those who hurt me win.....I choose pretty too!! emoticon emoticon

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AHTRAP 10/13/2012 3:25AM

    Powerful realization...as the cartoons of my youth told me, knowing is half the battle. Here's to figuring out the other half of banishing that awful hold your abusers have on you even after so many years.

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AHTRAP 10/13/2012 3:24AM

    Powerful realization...as the cartoons of my youth told me, knowing is half the battle. Here's to figuring out the other half of banishing that awful hold your abusers have on you even after so many years.

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AHTRAP 10/13/2012 3:23AM

    Powerful realization...as the cartoons of my youth told me, knowing is half the battle. Here's to figuring out the other half of banishing that awful hold your abusers have on you even after so many years.

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JEN_BACK2BASICS 10/12/2012 11:51PM

    emoticon
I wrote a nearly identical blog a few months ago. We can't let them control us any more. It's in the past. We need to let it go. How we do that is still a mystery to me, but it has to happen. We can win.

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