Friday, October 12, 2012
"Would you rather be pretty or fat?"
I know that sounds like a horribly rude question but in context - it opened my eyes and made me realize how I was not in control of my life.
In scenario one, I lose weight. I feel and look good. Hot even, pretty. I start feeling confident and wear clothes that fit, maybe even wear make-up again. I walk with my head held high and a smile on my face. I start getting noticed.
In scenario two, I do not lose weight. I wear baggy clothes and tops that hang below my stomach trying to hide the rolls. I don't mess with my hair much. I often look around a room hoping to find someone bigger than me, I hate being the biggest person in the room. I feel like I stand out.
If I were a normal person with a normal past, it would be an easy choice to want scenario one. Right? But I'm not and I don't. Last night my husband and I were talking about my weight loss journey and how I get to a certain point and struggle, every single time. It's the point where I start feeling pretty again.
So when he asked me if I would rather be fat or pretty it had nothing to do with how he feels, it was all about how I feel. I can stand out in a room because I am the fat lady or I can stand out in a room because I am pretty. And my answer made me cry. I would rather be fat. That's pretty profound. He was shocked by my answer and made me explain. It's because I hide under my fat. I shield my pain and my beauty under layers of skin. It's my wall.
What he said next really hit me. Hard.
"Then they win"
All my life I have fought to be strong and show that I am better than the abusers who hurt me. And yet, I am controlled by my past. I never saw it until last night. This whole journey, I have not been in control. That little girl is still afraid and hiding and I have to let her go. I am not her. I am in control. They will not win. I win.
I win. I am in control. I can do this. I choose pretty. I choose pretty.