Friday, October 12, 2012
Ugggghhh! Today has been the worst day everrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!!!!!!!!!!
It's my grandma's birthday and everything was fine until my aunt came over. My mom and aunt went outside to smoke their cigarettes. When my mom came back inside I was jokingly asking her what appeals to her about cigarettes the most: Emphysema, Lung cancer or Throat cancer. She said very funny. My aunt butted in and said if I am going to worry about cigarettes, I should worry about cars and this in that. She was trying to say cars can do more damage. Yeah, cars can do damage but it doesn't undo the damage that cigarettes cause. She was just pissed off because someone called out a bad habit that happened to be her bad habit. Everything escalated. She told me to stop and I said NO. I can stand up for anything I want to stand up for! She said I can't live in a bubble. Umm..I have dealt with A lot in my life. A LOT! Her sons don't do anything. Never worked. Never went to school. She refuses to allow them to socialize because she says you can't trust people and she has shot down all of their career interests, so who lives in a bubble? Not me. She also called me an idiot. She is the one who WILLINGLY left her job in the middle of the recession. That was real bright, wasn't it!!! She said I don't know how to deal with life but that's a lie. I have dealt with so much. She also said I think I'm all that but she doesn't even know me. I definitely don't think I am all that. I told her I was glad she wasn't my mom because I would never be able to leave the house. She will not even teach her grown sons how to drive! She attacked me for not working but I have spent the last 2 years in doctor's offices trying to find out why I was so Exhausted and feeling so ill, then finding the right treatment so I could work! Before that, I was filling out applications and looking for a job just like any other young adult. I will be picking back up with that as well. It has nothing to do with laziness. None of this would have happened if she would have not butted in in the first place!! She said she is glad I'm not her daugher because her kids wouldn't act like that and I told her her kids aren't perfect and she said she never said they were but she DID say that.
When we were little, my sisters and I were babysat by my grandma & my cousins (my aunts sons would do stuff and we got blamed for it. I was blamed the most & I was always yelled out and smacked for it and it pisses me off to this day that my aunt says us girls cause stuff but that's not true. I have always had this sense that a couple of my family members don't like me. They don't like that I say whatever I think/feel but they do that too. Why should they be allowed but nobody else is allowed to say whatever they think/feel?
I can't stand her. The worst part is my mom never sticks up for me. She always says I go on and on but what am I suppose to do when I am being attacked? I have never been the real submissive type. Am I suppose to just sit there? Like I said, I wasn't even addressing her!! She also thinks I can't accept someone else's opinion if it differs from mine but that's not true. I am very open to hearing different opinions (ones with valid points.)
There were points where I was in the wrong and the whole thing was ridiculous to begin with but there's no going back now.
I feel bad for ruining my grandma's birthday. I won't say how old she is because she she wouldn't like that very much but she's the only grandparent I have left even though we aren't very close.
I was already having a really bad day. I was feeling really bad about stuff, especially my appearance and I hate this day!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!