Friday, October 12, 2012
I have run into frustration. Frustration. Anger. Resentment. Irritation. Pure rage.
I have hit that proverbial brick wall. The one that was coming. The one I was hoping to avoid. The one that puts me into a mild and other times deep depression.
My knee. It has always been my Achilles's heel when it comes to my physical limitations. I have known it for half my life now. Ever since I walked away from the car accident that could have easily ended my life.
Flip the coin. Realize how lucky I am to sit here, typing this, baby sleeping in the other room. I've been able to live a full, wonderful life so far one that I love and cherish each and every day. I walked away from a car accident that would have killed so many. I get that. I know how lucky I am.
How hard is it to accept my limitations when I feel like at times I am defined by my fitness regime. Very. It trips me up. What do I do when I want to push play and say eff it, who cares? It is so freaking hard. I have to try so hard NOT to exercise when so many have to find excuses TO exercise. I hear the excuses as to why people DON'T want to workout, eat right, work toward a healthier self. Here I sit, constantly in that flux of working on bettering myself on all of those levels with fitness, nutrition, the whole ball of wax with weight loss/diet/healthier lifestyle -- take your pick.
Yeah I am a tad bit resentful. I will admit it.
It is hard to accept the fact that my mind wants to do more than my body is physically capable of right now. My knee and all of its arthritic glory has been hell this fall.
Why do I push myself so damn hard? Why can't I just chillax, take it for what it is -- a simple sign to slow it down? Why do I sit here and whine and complain and piss and moan about all the things I *can't* do instead of focusing on all the things I *can* do.
Here I stand at that stupid metaphorical fork in the road that everyone talks about....
Right now I can't
do Turbo Fire
95% of the DVD's in my arsenal
But I can
focus on my water intake
track every morsel in my Fitbook to ensure that I am getting in what I need
take supplements that I am regimenting for myself to help me with my knee
look in the mirror and feel grateful that I CAN do yoga/walk/relax/eat good/focus
allow my body to do what it needs to do to feel better so I can push it harder on the days that I DO feel good
Wow, that puts a bit of perspective on things. Looking at that, I see that there really is more that I can do than I can't. I think I can even expand on that list if I choose to. I don't think I will. I get hung up on the stupid things. Things that in my mind don't count. Yoga -- I love it. It works my body in ways that absolutely nothing else does. Cardio/ST/Flexibility tied up in one pretty, neat little bow. The whole sha-bang. No, I can't do the self proclaimed soul-mate workut that I want to push play for right now, but I am only limiting myself in my own mind if I am considering that my only form of physical self improvement as far as exercise goes. Who said there was something wrong with counting walking while pulling my little guy in his wagon as exercise? Who says that just because I am not in my workout clothes, in my workout room it can't count as exercise.
I think that the process of learning more about myself is the most enlightening facet of this journey. I am learning with each passing day that I can conquer those defeating moments in my own head that tell me that I suck because I can't do what I want my body to do. I am learning that the art of appreciating what my body is capable of on any given day is something to be celebrated. Enjoyed. Honored. Rejoiced.
No right now I am not able to do certain things, but the fact that I can turn my focus on other areas and feel lucky, happy, hopeful, and successful means more to me than any workout ever could.