I'm a big fan of "thought for the day" type books; I have all kinds: recovery, codependency, compulsive overeating, buddhism, creativity, "living juicy", etc. I don't read each one of them every day - I'd never get to work on time! I just pick the one that "calls" to me and I read what it has to say. I also get a daily email from Hazelden.com (big recovery site) and I saved this one to read over and over, because this is one of my biggest problems:
"Easy Does It
So, you surrendered. You let go. Now you're ready to face a particular challenge. So you hunker down and garner all your forces. And you hit the wall again.
What's wrong? you may ask. I'm doing all the spiritual things I'm supposed to do. And things still aren't working, I can't get anywhere.
Did you ever try to get a key to unlock a door, and you tried and tried, and the key just wouldn't open it? The harder you tried, the more frustrated you became. So you stopped trying for a while, relaxed, and tried again. Voila. The key fit perfectly and the slightest turn unlocked the door.
There's a gentler way of being in the world, of trying things, doing things, going about our business.
Whether I'm tackling a specific project, enjoying a new relationship, or grinding through some miserable situation, my first inclination is to force myself and try too hard. If one cup of tea tastes good, I'll drink five. If I want to express love or concern for someone, I'll overdo it.
"If it's worth doing, it's worth doing well," doesn't mean if it's worth doing, try harder and harder. Doing it well means relaxing and letting the actions unfold gently, naturally, without force. Pull back a little. Relax."
I think the harder I try to "get this weight-loss thing right" the more I fail, and fail hard. I know a lot of this starts in the mind, but I don't think I respond to "tough love." I'm all for facing facts and taking responsibility, but I don't know how to do that in a nice way. Meaning, not judging myself harshly while facing facts and taking responsibility. That nasty judging voice in my head uses ANY opportunity to tear me to shreds and make me "wrong" and "bad". Then that giant "OH YEAH WELL EFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF YOU!" part of me kicks in and I end up bingeing in retaliation to show that mean voice that (say like Cartman) "It's MY HOT BODY and I'LL DO WHAT I WANT!!" fully sabotaging myself and making my motivation, belief in myself, and inner peace the collateral damage in this war between my Superego and my Id (if you wanna get Freudian). IT is SO exhausting. And I stay fat.
The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result. So, in that case, Laura is BATSH*T CRAZY.
This is the AMA levels of crazy in a handy bar graph
So instead of getting all harsh and trying to gather my resources and give myself tough talk, I think I'm going to just STOP. I'm going to stop jamming my key in the door and YELLING at the door. I'm going to stop thinking of this as some MONUMENTAL BATTLE of good vs. evil. (Healthy Perfection vs. ME).
This is just food and moving my body. This is daily life, not some EPIC Homer Illiad like war, I think I'm making this too big a deal and making myself crazy. OF COURSE I know it's a big deal, I mean, physical health = staying alive longer barring accidents, that's a big deal. Losing large amounts of weight is a huge deal -- I see success stories all over Sparkpeople and I'm so moved by the joy I see in the faces of those who have finally put this weight behind them, and I want me some of that, I do! And maybe, once I lose 50-60 or more pounds, I can let myself feel like the warrior in the battle.
Today I have to break it down to the itty bitty nitty gritty. I'm going to do it easy. Just going to eat healthy food when I can, drink more water, move a little more, no big deal. If I'm not perfect, it doesn't matter as long as I immediately forgive myself and move on. Today is a new day, and I am beginning it serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with my old nonsense.