Needed To Read This Today...

Friday, October 12, 2012

I'm a big fan of "thought for the day" type books; I have all kinds: recovery, codependency, compulsive overeating, buddhism, creativity, "living juicy", etc. I don't read each one of them every day - I'd never get to work on time! I just pick the one that "calls" to me and I read what it has to say. I also get a daily email from (big recovery site) and I saved this one to read over and over, because this is one of my biggest problems:

"Easy Does It

So, you surrendered. You let go. Now you're ready to face a particular challenge. So you hunker down and garner all your forces. And you hit the wall again.

What's wrong? you may ask. I'm doing all the spiritual things I'm supposed to do. And things still aren't working, I can't get anywhere.

Did you ever try to get a key to unlock a door, and you tried and tried, and the key just wouldn't open it? The harder you tried, the more frustrated you became. So you stopped trying for a while, relaxed, and tried again. Voila. The key fit perfectly and the slightest turn unlocked the door.

There's a gentler way of being in the world, of trying things, doing things, going about our business.

Whether I'm tackling a specific project, enjoying a new relationship, or grinding through some miserable situation, my first inclination is to force myself and try too hard. If one cup of tea tastes good, I'll drink five. If I want to express love or concern for someone, I'll overdo it.

"If it's worth doing, it's worth doing well," doesn't mean if it's worth doing, try harder and harder. Doing it well means relaxing and letting the actions unfold gently, naturally, without force. Pull back a little. Relax."

I think the harder I try to "get this weight-loss thing right" the more I fail, and fail hard. I know a lot of this starts in the mind, but I don't think I respond to "tough love." I'm all for facing facts and taking responsibility, but I don't know how to do that in a nice way. Meaning, not judging myself harshly while facing facts and taking responsibility. That nasty judging voice in my head uses ANY opportunity to tear me to shreds and make me "wrong" and "bad". Then that giant "OH YEAH WELL EFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF YOU!" part of me kicks in and I end up bingeing in retaliation to show that mean voice that (say like Cartman) "It's MY HOT BODY and I'LL DO WHAT I WANT!!" fully sabotaging myself and making my motivation, belief in myself, and inner peace the collateral damage in this war between my Superego and my Id (if you wanna get Freudian). IT is SO exhausting. And I stay fat.

The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result. So, in that case, Laura is BATSH*T CRAZY.

This is the AMA levels of crazy in a handy bar graph

So instead of getting all harsh and trying to gather my resources and give myself tough talk, I think I'm going to just STOP. I'm going to stop jamming my key in the door and YELLING at the door. I'm going to stop thinking of this as some MONUMENTAL BATTLE of good vs. evil. (Healthy Perfection vs. ME).

This is just food and moving my body. This is daily life, not some EPIC Homer Illiad like war, I think I'm making this too big a deal and making myself crazy. OF COURSE I know it's a big deal, I mean, physical health = staying alive longer barring accidents, that's a big deal. Losing large amounts of weight is a huge deal -- I see success stories all over Sparkpeople and I'm so moved by the joy I see in the faces of those who have finally put this weight behind them, and I want me some of that, I do! And maybe, once I lose 50-60 or more pounds, I can let myself feel like the warrior in the battle.

Today I have to break it down to the itty bitty nitty gritty. I'm going to do it easy. Just going to eat healthy food when I can, drink more water, move a little more, no big deal. If I'm not perfect, it doesn't matter as long as I immediately forgive myself and move on. Today is a new day, and I am beginning it serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with my old nonsense.

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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    Me too! I'm up in the crazy bit too. I decided that dieting was ruining my life, I was wasting it obsessing about calories and pounds. Now I just eat a little less of whatever I fancy, blow whether it's healthy or not, and exercise a little more. I am fit for my weight, and fitter than a lot of skinny people, it's only fat people I see in the gym!
    1987 days ago
    Very well said - although I have tried that path as well and it did not work. Maybe giving up would work...
    1987 days ago
    Awesome post, I think it came at a perfect time for me as well. My friend (also size positive) said welp if we had self control we wouldn't be in this position. And she is right, Self control isn't about helplessly stuffing ourselves with burgers, but it is about KNOWING we are full and feeling compelled to eat that last slice of pizza because putting just one piece in the fridge is stupid. It is also about working out everyday to our max because cardio will make this fat disappear. And It is definitely about obsessing uncontrollably about what we will eat, how many calories/points it is, how many we will have left for the day and what better choices we can make.

    Its important for us to take a look at the behavior and realize replacing burgers with whole grains or watching tv with the elliptical still perpetuates the same lack of control. Enjoy the ride. No one ever does that for long with the pedal to the metal emoticon
    1988 days ago
    1988 days ago
    You always wake me up.
    1988 days ago
    Anything I ever let go of had claws marks in it, LOL!
    1988 days ago
    Lying to yourself is a good one, too.
    (And no, I'm not being snarky.)

    I started this year's weight loss effort on a whim to kick the soda habit -- *that* was my initial focus, and everything else has followed suit. For whatever weird reason, making weight loss NOT the primary effort made it easier. YMMV, of course -- and your brain may not be as gullible as my own.
    1988 days ago
    1988 days ago
    Baby steps are key in this. I've noticed it's about keeping yourself on the hook for the things that matter (like exercise and eating right) and letting yourself off the hook for the things that don't (like a little slip up in your diet.) Sometimes at the end of the day, when you really look at everything you've done, the good can outway the bad.
    Good luck with everything :)
    1988 days ago
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