Friday, October 12, 2012
So, I reread my last post and I wasn't sure about one of the things I said. I was complaining (like I sometimes do when I post) about being stuck at the same weight for quite a while. I basically made myself a victim of my metabolism. Whether or not that is true, I don't like that I did that. When I began this journey, I was optimistic, energetic and held myself responsible for everything. I had just received a wake up call that could affect so many things in my life, and I took heed. Since then, I've rested on my laurels a bit. Sure, I've started running some. But I've also slacked on tracking appropriately. I've overeaten. I've eaten too much of the stuff I should avoid in portions that were way too large. I haven't stayed on track. I knew I would slip, but I've rewarded myself with food - a huge no-no. I know better, but sometimes I don't care.
That's right, I said it and I meant it. Sometimes I don't care.
I dislike tracking my life. I understand the importance of tracking, but I don't like to do it. And it's not because I have to be accountable (sometimes it is.) It's boring and monotonous and I feel under the microscope all the time. The whole idea of weight loss, lifestyle change and fitness constantly hangs over me like a cloud, ready to bust and rain stress and tears down on me. A little melodramatic, sure. Life is like that sometimes. I've been a believer that it's not what happens to you in life, it's how you react to it. And lately I've been on autopilot and reacting poorly. I keep dreaming and wishing that the results will come because I'm doing something. When I tell myself that "something" may not be enough, I close my ears and mentally scream "I can't hear you, la la la la la la" like a spoiled child. Like many people, I am a slave to my impulses. I am working to control them, but I do fail sometimes. And I hate that. I'm not a perfectionist, I just dislike failure. And that dislike sometimes grows into a fear that slows me down and distorts everything. I focus on what I am not accomplishing instead of what I have done. It's so easy to slip. Falling is easy. Getting back up is difficult. There are a millions of cliches and sayings about how I feel. And I don't want to be a cliche.
I don't want to fail.
I don't want to hear that I can do it.
No matter how much support I have, it still depends on me.
I have to do it. I am responsible.
I may fail. I may succeed.
But I have to be honest with myself and really work at it. Being honest doesn't mean beating myself up for a setback. It means I have to do better for me. Not because the tracker said so, not because it would look bad to others, but because it's not good for me. And I have to want what's good for me.
Maybe I can do it...but even more important, I have to do it.