Reality check #4237

Friday, October 12, 2012

So, I reread my last post and I wasn't sure about one of the things I said. I was complaining (like I sometimes do when I post) about being stuck at the same weight for quite a while. I basically made myself a victim of my metabolism. Whether or not that is true, I don't like that I did that. When I began this journey, I was optimistic, energetic and held myself responsible for everything. I had just received a wake up call that could affect so many things in my life, and I took heed. Since then, I've rested on my laurels a bit. Sure, I've started running some. But I've also slacked on tracking appropriately. I've overeaten. I've eaten too much of the stuff I should avoid in portions that were way too large. I haven't stayed on track. I knew I would slip, but I've rewarded myself with food - a huge no-no. I know better, but sometimes I don't care.

That's right, I said it and I meant it. Sometimes I don't care.

I dislike tracking my life. I understand the importance of tracking, but I don't like to do it. And it's not because I have to be accountable (sometimes it is.) It's boring and monotonous and I feel under the microscope all the time. The whole idea of weight loss, lifestyle change and fitness constantly hangs over me like a cloud, ready to bust and rain stress and tears down on me. A little melodramatic, sure. Life is like that sometimes. I've been a believer that it's not what happens to you in life, it's how you react to it. And lately I've been on autopilot and reacting poorly. I keep dreaming and wishing that the results will come because I'm doing something. When I tell myself that "something" may not be enough, I close my ears and mentally scream "I can't hear you, la la la la la la" like a spoiled child. Like many people, I am a slave to my impulses. I am working to control them, but I do fail sometimes. And I hate that. I'm not a perfectionist, I just dislike failure. And that dislike sometimes grows into a fear that slows me down and distorts everything. I focus on what I am not accomplishing instead of what I have done. It's so easy to slip. Falling is easy. Getting back up is difficult. There are a millions of cliches and sayings about how I feel. And I don't want to be a cliche.
I don't want to fail.
I don't want to hear that I can do it.
No matter how much support I have, it still depends on me.

I have to do it. I am responsible.
I may fail. I may succeed.

But I have to be honest with myself and really work at it. Being honest doesn't mean beating myself up for a setback. It means I have to do better for me. Not because the tracker said so, not because it would look bad to others, but because it's not good for me. And I have to want what's good for me.

Maybe I can do it...but even more important, I have to do it.

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Member Comments About This Blog Post
  • BRENDA_G50
    I like your blog very much. Your honesty was commendable. You're right...the only one that can make the changes is YOU.

    In my personal experience, I have learned that you have to want it more than anything else you can imagine. I used that approach to quit smoking and I quit completely within 3 days. It's been over a week and I still don't want to smoke. It worked for me and maybe it will work for you.

    Let's face it, the urge (whether it's bad food choices, not tracking, or something else) will always be there, you just have to decide if you want to feed that desire or let it starve. Whichever one YOU choose will always be YOUR choice, no one else can do it for you.

    Hang in there because the best is yet to come!!! emoticon
    1770 days ago
    A lot of people have your concerns. I read another blog recently where the girl is giving up tracking and dieting. She's running and has a PhD and she is sick of constantly dieting and not getting results. I think my own metabolism is at a total stand-still and I wonder if I'll ever get to my goal weight. I haven't thrown in the towel, but I can see that this is a lot more than calories in calories out.
    1794 days ago
    Maybe if you look at the trackers as tools to show you how to better your life you will feel better about using them. After all, your body is keeping track whether your mind is or not...


    1807 days ago
  • 68ANNE
    Very well said!
    1807 days ago
    In our journey I have discovered many lessons for life. One of those lessons learned is we all find one excuse after another, but there is only one true excuse and that is ourselves. For every negative we have a positive so look for your positives and move out from there. emoticon
    1809 days ago
    Honesty with ourselves is so important. I totally dislike tracking my nutrition and when I don't track, I eat poorly. I am my own worst enemy!

    Great blog! Blessings on your journey~
    1809 days ago
    You are right on, ultimately it's all about you and your mental attitude. On the bright side, we're not robots that can be programmed to feel a certain way, only eat the right foods, and exercise on command. On the dark side, we have this thing called "free will" (which robots don't have) that makes it easy to be whiny, do the wrong things, and get discouraged.

    Face it head on, you're not perfect. You'll have bad days, but you'll also have really awesome days-keep the balance in your life.
    1809 days ago
    Way to make it real. You are totally right - no matter what resources are out there, it all comes down to one thing. You. I think it's good to think about what's motivating you in the first place -- and why did you start this whole process. Those reasons can change over time.

    Hang in there and don't beat yourself up too much. Small steps to start with will add up in the long run.
    1809 days ago
    Wow - that was brutally honest! And I like it. You are the one in charge, we are only cheerleaders on the sideline. We may have been in similar situations and thus have an IDEA of what you are going through but everyone is different.

    I'm proud of this blog and the courage it took to "out it out there". We all have days we "don't want to" - sometimes we push through and sometimes we don't. So your normal, at least in that respect.

    You will always have a cheerleader here. And if it motivates or helps at all - fantastic.
    1809 days ago
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