Friday, October 12, 2012
I know you all came for the penis skin, but you'll have to first suffer through my updates to get there:
So this has been an exciting late summer, early fall!
I was so glad when the tick bites (from previous posts) FINALLY healed and I was able to exercise again! The following weekend I immediately twisted my ankle and got a medium-severity sunburn. Ugh. I think nature is out to get me this year! As a result, my exercise was once again put on hold as my ankle healed. And after spending the previous month really struggling to keep my eating at the low calorie range since I was unable to exercise, this new injury just really pushed my frustration to new levels.
On top of my physical calamities, I found out at work less than 2 weeks ago that probably Ĺ of our company was going to be in new jobs soon. Now, our company has never laid people off, theyíve always transitioned them to other contracts and other physical locations, but the uncertainty and everyone elseís anxiety made the situation very tense. Fortunately, another contract down the street held a ďjob fairĒ for our employees and 8 people were selected to move over to that contract effective next week. And I was one of them! Yay! But itís been a whirlwind two weeks starting with finding out the news of our decreased funding, the job fair, subsequent interviews, job offers, etc. And now on Tuesday Iíll be sitting at a new desk. Itís just all been so fast and the mere speed of the transitions has made me feel anxious. I think itís a good thing, for sure, but any big change is going to come with some uncomfortable feelings.
So I stopped tracking. And stopped making healthy decisions. And went with what sounded yummiest. I did, somewhat, keep portions in check, sometimes. But a few weeks later and Iím up 5 pounds from my lowest recent weight and 3 pounds from where I was maintaining post-tick-bites.
This wouldnít be a huge deal to me, in other circumstances, but I have a wound that needs to heal. And Iíve been to my doctor about it several times, and she said, point blank, for this wound to heal I have to lose weight. If I gain too much weight I may need to get a skin graft to cover the wound. Right now, because before the summer of calamity I was down to a good number, the wound isnít too bad. But my 3-5 pound gain is putting it in jeopardy again. And youíd think that would be enough to scare me into eating within range and really focusing on losing the weight, but itís still SO HARD for me.
I just want to scream ďI DONíT WANT TO!Ē I feel like a toddler flinging myself on the floor and punching my fists and flailing my legs. I just donít want to worry about this. I donít want to add this to the list of things I have to think about. I donít want to have to calculate every bite I eat. I donít want to have to decline eating out with friends because I know I canít control myself in those situations right now. I donít want to forgo alcoholic drinks because I know they have empty calories and because they lower my inhibitions toward eating OTHER empty calories. I DONíT WANT TO!
But, friends, I have to. Because I want a skin graft even less. I asked my doc where the skin would come from. And she did me perhaps the biggest favor by telling me the absolute truth. The skin would come from circumcisions. Thatís right. I would have a little babyís foreskin on my body. So for the sole fact that I donít want some unknown penis-skin attached to my body, I will lose this weight. Once again. And who knows, maybe this time it will stick.