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    HIPPYCAT   15,389
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Just One More

Thursday, October 11, 2012

The SparkCoach community assignment for the day was to blog about a way I waste time.

A lot of my time-wasting is fear- and guilt-driven. And of course, the more I indulge it, the worse it gets until it's taking up most of my subconscious energy and I can't get anything done. Then I either get in real trouble or I bite the bullet and just do it, then wonder why I didn't do it sooner and revel in the guilt-free energy flowing through me - for a day or two until the cycle starts all over again. I don't really get it - is this some bizarre form of addiction? Like I can't live without guilt?

Anyway, my best two techniques for time-wasting and avoidance are getting caught up in the small stuff and "just one more."

Getting caught up in the small stuff is pretty self-explanatory. "Just one more" is just one more click in Ghost Trappers, just one more puzzle in my current BigFish game, just one more time down my Facebook wall, just one more level, just one more page... And the next thing you know, I'm late for bed and I just didn't get to it today. Not my fault, right?

Grr. I never thought that by the time I was 51 my personality would be MORE of a struggle, not less. That I would have less faith in myself, not more. Not in everything, but in enough things to really hang me up.

I don't honestly know whether I can truly get a handle on this. But having honestly written it down, I can say one thing about it - and this is one of my strengths - I will never really give up. No matter how many false starts there are, no matter how many slips, it hasn't got me licked if I get up just one more time than I fall.

About ten years ago, I had a dream one night that led to this: I would rather die only halfway up the mountain than spend the rest of my life at the bottom looking down. Looking down to not see what I could become, looking down because it hurts so much not to be at the top of the mountain that I would rather just not see the mountain at all. I've spent a lot of the last seven years looking down. I've spent the last three years trying to remember how to look up.

I will not die looking down. I will die somewhere on that mountain.

P.S I've just remembered. A lot of that dream had to do with setting goals. Go figure. Maybe it's time to stop some of the rhetoric and do some actual goal-setting again. Ya think?
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