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I hate long bouts of dysfunction but it's winning

Thursday, October 11, 2012

Trying to pep talk myself, today. I'm not listening so well. I have to learn how to manage more then 2 days a week, I really do. So far, my attitude stinks today, but my food intake is on schedule. I guess that's something-especially with the intense comfort food cravings.

I also am up, though I've spent a lot of time telling myself-"NO, you cannot go back to bed." Cause really, I could just curl up and cry and call it quits for the day.

My safety net money is about to leave, though my husband will want it used for a car, it's going to my son's lawyer in hopes he can get a decent agreement with his daughter's mother and start spending time with her. Mom is denying him ALL access over a preschool arguement(and yes, I'm sure. Her father showed up at my house over it. My son wants her to go, mom says no).

A small bit is going to a diet program in hopes of jump starting my system.

Only problem is that since I have no car, dh will see me transfer the money on Saturday and know I have it. I think he saw the balance last week.

I keep telling myself I was never going to have the guts to use it anyway so might as well help my son and granddaughter out.

Dh had a lead on a good job. All he had to do was a short update to his resume and put ink into the printer. Didn't happen. Guess he didn't really want it. I had a lead on a job today but since I have no car, it's not doable. It's tough to live where there is no public transportation at all.

Well, this isn't helping, just making me want to go to bed. Guess I'll go clean something. Fun, fun. I really should be working. Have to spend some time on that project as well.

Depresson and grief suck. I never realized how debilitating they were. I'm exhausted all the time. Some days I can convince myself to just keep moving. Other days I try and my mind shouts back "Why? There isn't any point!"

I don't like who I am becoming and I cannot seem to stop it. Being trapped in my house certainly doesn't help but you know what? I screwed my life up, I have to live with the result. Bummer for me.

Someone told me yesterday that if I exercise hard everyday for 15 minutes I'd feel better. I suppose that works for some people. I try but I never feel better. Nothing makes me feel better anymore.

Winter is going to be tough to get through. I need the sun and it's gloomy today.
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