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I Need Support! Too many losses .....

Thursday, October 11, 2012

Once again, I am grieving inwardly from another loss of a family member to cancer. Although, I am adopted, I have had the privilege of meeting my natural mother, half-sister, brother-in-law, nephew and uncle and his family over (30) years ago while visiting Germany. Since then, my family in Germany and I have remained in contact via telephone calls, emails and occasional visits. Last month, my German mother lost her battle to breast cancer.

Usually, I am a very positive and upbeat person. However, grief has become a very natural part of my life. Prior to the death of my natural mother, I have lost an additional (5) beloved family members within a 4-year span. I lost my beloved husband, adoptive parents, mother-in-law and German uncle. Because I have three children and two grandsons, including my sister who is taking our motherís death very hard, I have been the strong anchor of support for my immediate family to lean on.

September and October has been very difficult months for me. Due to my late husbandĎs death and financial struggles, my teenaged sons and I were forced to downsize by moving away from the wonderful home we once lived in last month. While I was moving, my natural mother passed away 2 weeks prior to her birthday. In fact in the past (4) years beginning in October due to birthday celebrations and upcoming holidays, my children and grandsons depend on me to continue our holiday traditions that were once passed down by my adoptive parents, natural mother and mother-in-law. Since then I have also created new traditions and memories to help ease the grief my children and I feel because of the absences of our loved ones.

This week, I am in need of moral support, prayers and hugs. I feel so alone and isolated. I am feeling the overwhelming sadness of my loved ones deaths, the variety of cancer that has taken each one of them and am having a hard time remaining strong for my childrenís sake, while my heart is breaking inside. I know itís normal to feel this grief. However, I canít seem to have enough time to let go of one death from a loved one, before another passing occurs. Each cancer has been brutal in the way the diseases took my love ones away. I witnessed three of them. Though, I feel blessed to have been with each one of them, it has taken a toll on me. I know that I can carry on with the inner strength and courage it takes at times, but just for this week, I donít want to do it alone. Please, be here for me. I really need you all. God bless you for taking the time to read my blog.

~ Monika ~ emoticon
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    Monika my heart goes out to you, and I place you in my thoughts and prayers.
    I hate loss, it does hurt, they say it makes us stronger but it takes time.
    You are an amazing person.
    1186 days ago
    Monika, my heart goes out to you as you mourn the loss of loved ones. There are no words that can take away the pain, I know. You take all the time you need to heal, my friend. We are here to listen & lend support as you do. I will keep you & your family in my are loved!

    emoticon emoticon

    1445 days ago
    Dearest Monika,

    I am so sorry for your tremendous sadness losing all those important people in your life. Be assured my beautiful strong lady that love never dies and you will see them again since the soul is eternal.

    You are an amazing beacon of light for your family and friends and God uses you as an instrument to bless your family and others with your healing energy. Please don't lose heart even though you have reason to be so sad since the joy those people gave you here on earth will be missing from your daily concerns but what you shared the genuine love and affection will be alive and kept that way within you and will never die.

    Please feel free to reach out if you need me I lost husband/father/brother myself and understand. Be brave my spark friend keep on remembering LOVE NEVER DIES

    Love and Healing Light,
    Yvonne emoticon emoticon emoticon
    1446 days ago
    emoticon Monika for all your losses. You have been in my prayers for so long. I have been out of touch for about 2 months and had no idea you have been through so much. It's so good to know you are back also and we will get through all of everything together.

    Missed you so!


    1448 days ago
    emoticon nothing is ever really gone nothing ever really ends it just all a new beginning emoticon
    1452 days ago
  • SAMI199
    emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon
    1452 days ago

    I'm very sorry to hear what a terrible time you are going through. We lost several family/friends in a short time a few years ago and it just knocks you sideways, as though your world is crumbling. I hope in time you will find things easier. For us it has been slow, but gradually life returns to normal.

    1458 days ago
    emoticon I lost my 2 best friend to cancer and my beloved Great Pyrenees to cancer all in about 15 months. It has now been a year and a half since the last death and there sure are good days and bad. Count your blessings, live each day to the fullest as my friends would have done had they been given another day, that helps me get through.

    I am also adopted with no clue who my birth parents are. How lucky you are to be able to have known them. God bless.
    1464 days ago
    emoticon We care.
    If it helps please take a copy of the picture on my page which I found and am using in memory of my mum, various other people and particularly at this time a young 20 year girl - daughter, granddaughter and sister of very close friends. She passed away suddenly on Thursday.
    Your loved ones are still with you in spirit and watching over you and guiding you. Have faith. xx emoticon
    1466 days ago
    Monika, I'm so, so sorry for all of your losses. You have had many. I'm keeping you in my prayers and sending hugs and positive vibes your way my friend. I"m here if you need anything. Do you still have my e-mail? I'm on every day. Hugs to you my friend emoticon emoticon
    1466 days ago
  • LINDA7668
    I'm so sorry to hear about all your losses. Your loved ones will always be with you in your heart. Don't try to hold back your sorrow, let it flow freely. With time, it will get easier to cope. You have my prayers.
    1468 days ago
    Monika, I am so saddened to hear of the many losses you have experienced so recently. I have said a prayer for you.

    1468 days ago
    Sending my sisterly Hugs & Prayers.
    If I could be there in person to help you through this time I would.
    emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon
    Love you
    1469 days ago
    Monika I am always here for you! My heart goes out to you. I lost my parents, best friend, & brother all within 5 months. I wish I could say it gets easier. I came to the realization that things like this you don't get past, you have to go through them. Know that we are here for you!
    1469 days ago
  • MOGAL1946
    Thinking of you and wishing for words to express how sorry I am that you are going through so much. It is so hard to lose loved ones and so hard to continue facing each day without them. You are not facing this battle alone. Many prayers are going out for you to find peace and strength to cope with each oncoming day. emoticon
    1469 days ago
    Prayers. I know how hard it is to lose someone.Keep.
    Leona emoticon
    1469 days ago
    Dear Monika,
    Such a strong woman you are - always supporting others. I lost my father and both Grandmothers, and a 16 week pregnancy, and my job, all within 4 months. I understanding the exhausting property of grief, and the point where we know we have to reach out to others for support.

    It is the proof of such strength, and of the 'wholeness' of your heart, that you make yourself vulnerable and speak out. You already know that again one day, you shall stand again on your own heart's 'two feet', so I don't have to say any mushy comfort words.

    I just have to say,
    "I believe in you. I heard you. And from a distance sending you love and light."

    Peace to your heart,
    1469 days ago
  • SUNNY332
    emoticon Hugs to you my friend. I am so sorry for your losses. Bless your heart.
    Hang in there and know I am thinking of you and asking Him to give you strength as you work through the grief.


    He will not give you any more than you and He can handle together.
    1469 days ago
    Monika, I am so sorry for all you have and are going through! This is a very rough time for you and your family!

    I will keep you close to my heart this season.

    I know you are very strong, but please allow yourself to feel what you are feeling and to heal.


    Best wishes!
    Jen M.
    1470 days ago
    emoticon emoticon You have been through so much !! You will be in my thoughts and prayers !!
    Take care

    1470 days ago
    You will most definitely be in my prayers .......... I send love and big huge hugs to you ............ I am so glad you reached out to your spark family ............ I am also so sorry you lost loved ones in this manner or otherwise ................. (I too have lost nearly everyone of my family, including children ........... (not to complain about myself) ..................... But at this time, I have made some wonderful spark friends that I talk to every day ................... and I think they are my family for now ................ (Will be praying for you Sweetheart) ...... emoticon Jan
    1470 days ago
    Monica, You have so much strength and maturity. You really are a remarkable woman. Just the fact that you could reach out here to get the support you need to be strong for your children and grandchildren proves that. You are in my prayers. I am so sorry the losses have snowballed these last four years. Each loss just seems to bring back the others like they were brand new again too. I pray that you find peace and comfort from your friends here on Spark People and that you find little signs from you lost loved ones letting you know they are okay. emoticon
    1470 days ago
    I am so sorry about the loss of your family members. I wish that I could give you a "HUG." You are so much to so many here on SparkPeople. WE CARE about YOU! Take care of yourself, and know that we are here for you.

    1470 days ago
  • JAMER123
    Monika, I am so glad you reached out to all of us. The pain from the losses you have had must be so great that support to help you through is so needed. I have read a few of the other writings and I am so happy that you are blessed with such great friends! We all hurt deep in our hearts for you and will be sending our thoughts & prayers to you.

    Last Fight
    © Lorna Ferguson
    A face that is always on my mind,
    A smile I have seen a million times,
    Two eyes that would light up the sky at night,
    One last battle you could not fight,
    The day was long, then night then morn.
    I knew that soon you would be gone,
    I clasped your hand so warm in mine,
    Soon we would be out of time,
    To stay with us you fought so hard,
    A million pieces went my heart,
    Now a photo I look at to see your smile,
    I keep your number on my speed dial,
    A video I watch to hear your voice,
    This I do.... I have no choice.,
    But great memories I will always keep with me,
    Your love in my heart for eternity,
    I never got to say goodbye,
    To understand why, I can but try,
    Waiting in heaven from this moment on,
    'Till god asks you to bring me home....

    emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon
    emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

    1470 days ago
    Monika, I am also very sorry for your losses. I lost both my parents to cancer. Just know that you are never alone, they are here with you.
    I had a very dear friend who passed away in 2007. I took his passing very, very hard, we were inseparable. Something that helped me get through the hard times (and still helps today) is this, I have memorized it:

    Death is nothing at all

    Death is nothing at all,
    I have only slipped away
    into the next room.

    I am I,
    and you are you;
    whatever we were to each other,
    that, we still are.

    Call me by my old familiar name,
    speak to me in the easy way
    which you always used,
    put no difference in your tone,
    wear no forced air
    of solemnity or sorrow.

    Laugh as we always laughed
    at the little jokes we shared together.
    Let my name ever be
    the household word that it always was.
    Let it be spoken without effect,
    without the trace of a shadow on it.

    Life means all
    that it ever meant.
    It is the same as it ever was.
    There is unbroken continuity.

    Why should I be out of mind
    because I am out of sight?

    I am waiting for you,
    for an interval,
    somewhere very near,
    just around the corner.

    All is well.

    Henry Scott Holland
    1847 -1918


    1470 days ago
  • SHOES17
    I have been to your blog a couple times. There are no words. I long to bring you comfort and easy your pain.

    When we look at our losses they seem so great. Sometimes I think we feel so alone in our grief, that we forget we do not walk the path alone. No one can walk in your shoes or feel your grief.

    However, look around and remember there are people who have traveled and are traveling a similar path. Reach out to them and they will support you. emoticon
    1470 days ago

    Comment edited on: 10/11/2012 10:10:27 PM
  • MIZPAM25
    Monika, I am sorry for all you have endured emoticon emoticon emoticon , The Lord bless thee, and keep thee: The Lord make his face shine upon thee, and be gracious unto thee: The Lord lift up his countenance upon thee, and give thee peace.
    1470 days ago

    I am hear for you in your grieve we will give you as much as you need of moral support, prayers and hugs.

    Allow your self to grieve you are worth it. I am here for you. Your wish is my command


    1470 days ago
    Oh, I feel for you so deeply. I too am having a hard time because I lost my 17 year old daughter at age 17 4 years ago this November 9th. My daughter was adopted by me at age 6 from Russia.

    It is the season that is supposed to be calming and restful...time to harvest. Halloween. Thanksgiving. Christmas. Instead it is a time when we as the strong women have to carry on and follow through with the traditions.

    The one thing that is hard for me is that I want to talk about my Nicole A LOT, as if she is still here...she is in spirit, but I mean more than that. I mean when a story is told, I want to talk of Nicole's experiences and not think that someone will think I am weird to use her name so often.

    I am sharing this, not to make it about me, but to let you know that even thought it all truly sucks...forgive me that grief is the only think I use that word are not alone. There are others who can now pray for you. It is not the same as before the grief, but we can lean on one another.

    I like that you continue the traditions and/or make new ones. I know you have to be good to yourself. Rest as much as you can...not the depressed kind of rest curled up in a ball but the spa kind of rest where you are in comfy warm pjs and have your favorite warm drink and a good book or movie or friend near you.

    Another thing that helps is to try to do for others as much as you can even if only through contributing to charities...not money but time. It keeps you busy and giving to others gives back to you. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers. Please, do the same for me...and know I and others are only a key stroke away.

    No matter what...don't let food make you even more sick. Eat healthy foods to give you energy and get outside to enjoy the fall weather. emoticon
    1470 days ago
    emoticon emoticon I'm so sorry for your loss monika! You and your family are in my thoughts! emoticon
    1470 days ago
    My Dear Monika, I am so sorry you are being overloaded with grief at this time. No one should have to shoulder all that and it is made worse by you needing to be there for your family. We are here for you, I just wish I lived closer so I could give you a big hug and more support. I will be lifting you up in prayer as you deal with all this and begin to heal. Wish I could do more.

    emoticon emoticon
    1470 days ago
    Monika...I am so sorry for your loss!! I am sending many, many hugs and prayers your way! I have also felt this has been a year from hell...You knew i loss my Mom but while you were on Spark break, my sister was diagnosed with breast cancer, my brother has had total kidney failure, two nieces have had miscarriages, and I have another year before I may be cleared myself from the breast cancer possibility after my 2 biopsies.. But you the end of the day I have a lot to be thankful for....and having you as a friend has always been a bright spot for me! Bless you...and i pray all will get better for you!
    1470 days ago
    Monika ~ you have a heavy load right now. I understand a little of what you are experiencing as I lost both parents within 3 months of each other. One was expected and the other was not. You feel just numb yet life goes on. I am so glad that you have a deep and abiding faith. May that faith sustain you and your memories bring healing.

    Heavenly Father, our sister Monika, is hurting right now. Please take her into your arms and enfold her in your love. May she know your Presence, care and concern for her...for you have told us...come unto me you who are burdened and I will give you rest.

    Monika, know that your Lemon team-mates and Spark friends are here for you. We will continue to pray for you and your family. emoticon June
    1470 days ago
    Oh Monika! Hugs and prayers. I know no one can know what you are going through. Just know you are being lifted up in prayer right now.

    1470 days ago
  • PATTIE441
    Oh my dear friend! Please know we are all here for you! My thoughts and prayers and love are with you! You are a beautiful and wonderful person and know that you are thought of often and I care so very deeply. You can always sparkmail me anytime and know that I am here. Love you my friend and much love and light energy sent your way! emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon
    1471 days ago
    Hugs and prayers! emoticon
    1471 days ago
    1471 days ago
    Your God is with you always - you have the strength to grieve and the strength to heal.

    1471 days ago
  • JAIRIE813
    I am so sorry for your losses. Let yourself grieve and take comfort that, as evil as cancer is, they are free from it now. My heart, thoughts and prayers are with you and I pray that you find peace and strength to help you through. God Bless you and your family! emoticon
    1471 days ago
    emoticon emoticon You are in our prayers. emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon
    1471 days ago
    Monika, I am sending up prayers in your behalf right now. My heart goes out to you. May God take you in His loving arms and give you comfort and the peace that can only come from Him. Weeping may endure for the night, but joy comes in the morning. Hang on to that promise. I love you, precious sister.

    1471 days ago

    Comment edited on: 10/11/2012 4:39:55 PM
    What can I say that all of these others have not already said? Nothing really. You have been through quit a bit. We must keep our hearts and minds on Jesus Holy Spirit, is here to comfort and guide. He has promised to never leave us. My prayer for you. May He help each heart ache you feel from your losses. May joy fill you again in knowing those gone away from you are not gone forever . In Jesus Name amen. hug sandy
    1471 days ago
    I am so sorry to hear of your current loss. You are a wonderful person and I knnow you can pull through. Just remember to take are of yourself. emoticon
    1471 days ago
    My heart is so heavy and the tears flow freely as I read your heart felt cry for support. You have been such an inspiration to so many with all your uplifting posts that we some times forget what you have been through in the last few years. Your loved ones are still a part of you. I believe if you sincerely ask for a sign, they will reach out and let you know they are still close. I miss my parents and watched them die also from cancer and some times when I miss them so much, I ask for a sign just to know they are still in my life. Your Spark Friends are always here but may it help to know we are all praying for you.
    1471 days ago
    So sorry to hear of all the losses in your family emoticon emoticon I know how hard it is to have to watch cancer take away our loved ones...Keeping you in my payers....Yes, always remember all of us Lemons and all of your spark friends are all here for you, we are all here for each other emoticon emoticon emoticon
    1471 days ago
    emoticon Monika - I am so sorry to read about your losses. Please know that you're in my thoughts. You are no alone and any time that you need support - we are all here.
    1471 days ago
    I know that it is a difficult road that you have walked, and the losses seem to keep rolling in; yet, you are so caring and such a blessing to many of us here on SP. Please know that I care and lift you to our Father and his care.
    1471 days ago
    emoticon emoticon emoticon
    1471 days ago
    (((((BIG HUGE HUGS)))))
    I am so sorry emoticon
    1471 days ago
  • _KATHY
    Monika, even though I don't personally know you, you can count on me along with all of the others to share some of your emotional pain. Spread out among so many of your friends, I hope it will lighten your load just a little. Just know that you have so many prayers and good wishes surrounding you.
    1471 days ago
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