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    CALLIKIA   23,828
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October 16th


Thursday, October 11, 2012

I cannot seem to stop falling apart each day. The stress and anxiety has become too much for me and I can't even see straight anymore. All I can seem to focus on is next Monday, so I'm not getting much else done.

And I've decided that is okay.

October 15th could be a huge day for me. It could mean a change to my life, or it could drop me down the hole of dispair and depression - depending on the outcome. Have I ever told you all how much I hate depending upon other people for what I want? I hate loss of control...

And yet all I can do right now with my eating is lose control. At least, that's what it feels like. I'm not myself. I try hard to be, but I fall apart.

And that is OKAY.

Because I've already made a promise to myself that things will look very different starting October 16th. Whatever Monday holds for me, I can't control that. And I can't seem to keep my emotions in check until then either. But on October 16th, I am taking control back. I'm not sure what that's going to look like. Honestly I'm considering another attempt at Whole30 because I hate this fog hat I've been wearing lately and day 6 of Whole30 was the first time in MONTHS I didn't experience fog hat all day. It's far enough away from Thanksgiving where I wouldn't feel pressured and upset and worked up. I could get my 30 days in and then gradually let myself put things back in to see what's causing the severe fog hat, because I would love to never have to suffer through it again.

I haven't totally 100% decided what October 16th will look like, but I do know that it will be the start of me taking back control of my life, my choices, and my path toward my goals. I know it will include meal planning and probably giving up junk food and fast food for a little while. And I'm going to find some workout plan that doesn't upset the PF too much and allows me to burn some calories and attempt to get myself back to the firm(er) body I now seriously miss.

I glimpsed the other side of the 300s. I want to get back there. And I want to start making serious strides toward my eventual goal of reaching 230 (and then I'll reevaluate and see if I need to do more). I think I just got scared. Life got in the way. I got complacent. And then I got very, very anxious. The only thing I can be thankful for right now is that I haven't gone completely off the rails and ruined every bit of progress I had since April 2010.

Get ready...
It's coming...
The return of the Esther we all know and love...

Coming to a Spark Blog near you, October 16, 2012.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post:
SPUNKYDUCKY 10/14/2012 12:20AM

    Happy to hear that the Esther we all know and love is back. I am officially rebooted as of about 5 days ago. I have spent a ton of time this week journalling (in my book, not online) and firming up my focus, goals and methods.

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JUSTLIKEALICE 10/11/2012 10:03PM

    emoticon

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BECKYB73 10/11/2012 5:20PM

    Fantastic things happen on October 16th...I know this because that's the day I was born.

Get it, Girl!!

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ARUNNINGKAT 10/11/2012 2:46PM

    emoticon

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4EVERADONEGIRL 10/11/2012 12:47PM

    Sending lots and lots of good vibes your way that you will have some serious excitement to kick your restart into gear! Hang in there, girlie!

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ERIN1128 10/11/2012 12:07PM

    Woo hoo! You go, girl!

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BAYBELIEVER 10/11/2012 9:28AM

    Return of a NEW Esther, right? The new and improved version. Every day is a day to reshape ourselves anew. I hope that all your hopes and dreams are realized on October 15th. But on October 16th, you can make them all come true for the rest of your life, no matter what! Go Esther!

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DARKFAERY 10/11/2012 9:12AM

    We're behind you all the way!!! Hugs!

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