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    242WILLNOTDO   7,377
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From embarrassment to affirmation...


Wednesday, October 10, 2012

Until now I have remained a bit anonymous on the site. My user name doesn't really say that much about me other than I am obese. (I mean really...how tall would you have to be for your goal weight to be 242?) My message board signature doesn't have my name - just a couple of my favorite quotes. I don't have my name listed on my Spark home page. I didn't have a photo of me on my page - until now.

The reason? It's a bit silly, but I was embarrassed. What if someone I know in person comes across my Spark page? *gasp* If I put my name with my profile then, people would know that I am working on losing weight...the horror! Did I really think that the people that know me personally don't know that I am overweight? Just what kind of silly girl am I anyway? Who knows...some of my wonderful friends or family members may be looking for the right time or place to speak with me about my health...this could be a relief for them!

I was also embarrassed to admit to people that I meet here on SparkPeople just how bad off I was. Like the weight loss ticker doesn't spoil that surprise. What would people think of me? I feared rejection...that people would think less of me because of my size. You know why? Because I think less of me for letting myself get into this shape! And, the real kicker is: not thinking very highly of myself is the main reason that I let myself go! Ahhhhh...the cycle never ends, you see?

When I joined the site, I knew I had to lose weight and become healthy in a new way - what I did before didn't work for the long run.
- I have to address the emotional issues that trigger my overeating and poor food choices. I use the journal here to write about those things.
- I have to be cautious about who I tell about this adventure. Let's face it - some people are food 'dealers' that just can't wait for us to fail.
- I have to make time to plan and log my food. The Food Tracker is a bit tedious at times but, it is becoming more 'natural' to me as the days go by.
- I have to be purposeful about my physical activity. I know if I don't get it in first thing - I won't get it in.
But, most of all...
- I have to love and appreciate my body as it is RIGHT NOW! I am in amazingly good health...no blood pressure or blood sugar problems...no arthritis/joint problems (although standing for any length of time was beginning to be bothersome). I am able to move about on my own and tend to all of my own needs...there are so many people (of all sizes and ages) that can't say that! My senses are in good working order - well, I do wear glasses. I am fairly intelligent and would be considered to be of sound mind. My emotional and spiritual health is growing stronger. Again, there are a lot of people that can't make those statements either!

That's right, I must affirm who I am and what I look like right now in order to be affirming of who I am and what I look like when I lose weight. That is why I now have a real profile picture on my page. Look at that face! You might not be able to tell, but I have beautiful skin with a scattering of freckles - a face without freckles is like a night without stars, you know!

I weighed, recorded my measurements and took pictures (in my swim suit) when I first started this journey. I look at the pictures at least once a week and say something positive/affirming about my body when I look at them. When I first started, I felt even bigger than I looked - partly because I was so out of shape and partly because I was so down on myself. Now, I feel smaller than I look! I am already so much more active than I was AND my attitude about myself is changing. I didn't join Spark to feel better about me - what a wonderful bonus! And, I think that is going to make all the difference in the world!

Oh, by the way, my name is Trae and you are looking pretty good over there, too!
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Member Comments About This Blog Post:
PENNYSAVER2 10/14/2012 10:08PM

    Wow, what a wonderful blog post. Thanks for sharing. I can definitely relate to you in many ways. emoticon

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DEQUINTA 10/13/2012 10:17AM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon
trae, nice to meet you! what an awesome blog! ty for sharing.

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KOFFEENUT 10/11/2012 11:47PM

    Good for you! The changes you're making - not just in your exercise and nutrition, but in your attitude - are HEALTHY, and the kind of changes that lead to long-term success!

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UNSWEETMAMA 10/11/2012 9:44PM

    Nice to meet you, Trae :)

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NAHLIWAI 10/11/2012 7:06PM

    Thank you so much for this. It reflects my own experience in many ways and it is so nice to know that I am not alone. You have made tremendous strides - keep it up. You are amazing.

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STRONG_SARAH 10/11/2012 1:21PM

    Hi Trae, I'm Sarah, nice to 'meet' you. You're doing the right thing focusing on all the good things in your life. The rest will come!


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MIRFA71 10/11/2012 12:51PM

    Hi Trae, good to see you. emoticon emoticon

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DNRAE1 10/11/2012 10:24AM

    Congratulations, Trae, on making such great self-realizations. You're doing so well! emoticon

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KALIOPPE 10/11/2012 3:39AM

    Trae, what an amazing post! Great to finally see your face and I hope we get to see more of it in future. I love everything you wrote and the courage with which you wrote it. It takes a lot of guts to come forward and be accountable - I'm not there yet, but your words have inspired me.

As for your non-existent health issues - I am so envious! I know I am luckier than a few but also pretty messed up in the holy trinity of cholesterol/bloodsugar/blood pressure. Also, my knees starting playing up a few years ago, which makes it tougher to work out. I'm glad you've decided to do something about your health now - and now wait until later, as I did, when you have no choice.

Keep eating well and moving. The emotional issues relating to food will take a bit longer. Hey, I didn't even *know* I had issues until I started. But I'm confident that with an attitude like yours, you will successfully manage them. You are an inspiration! :)

emoticon

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GUENAVIEVE 10/11/2012 2:26AM

    It is hard to open yourself up this way, I struggled with what to put on my page and especially the ticker with my weight. I thought though, I got myself into this situation though and hiding won't make it any better. Everyone on this site is here for the same reason and everyone I've seen is so positive and motiviating, I'm glad I put myself out there and I'm glad you did too :)

BTW my name is Anita emoticon

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TRUE2NDCHANCE 10/10/2012 10:26PM

    Fantastic blog, and you are a beautiful lady!

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CGREEN9310 10/10/2012 9:21PM

  This is an AMAZING blog! I am very inspired by your words here. Thank you so much for puting this out there. I was in the same boat when I started on SP. I used it for a month before I got the nerve to put photos up. I too wondered if people would judge me. But then I realized that we are all coming here for the same thing - to get healthy and I have to remind myself of that daily.
~"Every single step counts!"~

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SKEETOR 10/10/2012 9:20PM

    Great blog! emoticon

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17DAISY 10/10/2012 7:36PM

    Your blog really moved me. I so "Get" what you are feeling. It's so great to see your pretty face :) emoticon

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TXGRANDMA 10/10/2012 7:23PM

    emoticon Trae! It took a lot of courage for you to post this blog and this picture, but that just goes to show how serious you are about your committment to improve your health! Just think of it that way, forget about the weight! Concentrate on eating whole foods, nothing processed, drinking your water and moving your body! emoticon emoticon emoticon

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JUMPINJULIE 10/10/2012 6:57PM

    Hi Trae My name is Julie and i understand where your coming from i didn't want to put any pictures up their of myself because i was embrassed and ashamed of how i look now like you i realized that it is okay to be me. It is great when you make that realization and i'm so happy you put your picture out their and your name. I will add you as a friend. So we can support each other if you want. emoticon

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GOLFINSUNSHINE 10/10/2012 6:50PM

    Wow girlfriend - you opened your heart in this blog and congratulations for releasing some of that pain - I think the fact that your using the site and becoming aware to what you need is absolutely wonderful!!!! sending you love and acceptance from me.... emoticon

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