Day 50: Puddle of Tears
Wednesday, October 10, 2012
Gosh, this blog is turning into a really depressing thing. So many sad, overwhelmed, hopeless and depressed posts. I never really thought of myself as a negative person, but it seems like all I do here every day is complain about some hardship I am facing. I want to try to shift that, but I am not sure how.
Last night was our first couple's non-violent communication (mindfulness-based) class. The teacher seems great, and it was surprisingly comforting to be in a group setting with other couples of many backgrounds who struggle with the same thing. My actual interaction with my partner, though, did not feel that positive, and we proceeded to come home and fight into the wee hours after returning home. We both seem to be in such reactive states all the time at this point, and the issues we are angry/hurt/scared by seem so overwhelming that it feels really hopeless. It feels like he doesn't even like me anymore. And I feel like i have given everything I can - I feel EMPTY. Not sure what to do. I leave tomorrow morning for ten days, and am uneasy about how we are leaving things between us.
I didn't log in or log my food on SparkPeople for the first time in 49 days yesterday. It doesn't feel great to have let that slide, though I am trying to be compassionate and loving towards myself about it. As Pema Chodron says, there is such a fine line between compassion for one's self and self-indulgence. I hope I can distinguish between the two.
I teach tonight until 10PM, and then leave tomorrow morning at 6AM. Rushing around to get packed and the house and business in order before i go. I'm finding it's hard to move quickly when you are wading through a puddle of tears.