Wednesday, October 10, 2012
Step two in Overeaters Anonymous is to “(Come) to believe that a power greater than ourselves
could restore us to sanity." All of my life I have lived in the Christian faith. I even committed my life to full-time Christian service as a musician as a junior in high school. Music and ministry were interlocked for me from the day I first began singing (7th grade). It was my heart, my soul – my passion.
I went off to college on a vocal performance scholarship determined to grow up…and find a husband. My family had always stressed the life plan of high school, college, marriage, children. Having sung concerts for most of my high school life I just KNEW that to fulfill my life’s calling I would go on to Julliard or another school of music after college and continue to perform and minister. What does this have to do with my struggle with food? Blame it on a man – I did.
I met my former husband early in my freshman year. We were both in the Church Related Vocations program and he seemed soooooooo much more mature than all the artsy-fartsy guys I had always dated. He was deep and quiet and I fell quickly and hard. Fast forwarding this long story the reality was that he was a very controlling, abusive man. He was very jealous of the opportunities I was having through my music and he slowly isolated me from my family and friends by “teaching” me that performance was worldly and they were immature, unhealthy influences. Even though my parents were very concerned we married right after graduation. Three children, 9 years and several pastorates later my oldest child asked if she should “just run away if daddy scared (her) again.” We left – and never went back.
Even though I returned to my home church and quickly resumed activity in music ministry my heart was jaded far more than even I realized. I had completely substituted my ex-husband’s voice for the voice of God. Over the past 13 years I thought that I had reconciled the difference but I’ve realized lately that in reality my faith and trust in God has been shaken to the core. I need to honestly explore my relationship with this “power greater than (myself)” – my relationship with God, with Christ. While once I believed without question the reality is that now my faith is weak at best.
This step (step 2), the one step I thought would be the easiest of all the steps, might just be the hardest step for me to take. Getting past this wrinkle is going to take more than a fluff in the dryer – it’s going to take the heat (and sometimes painful heat) of an iron. In Mark Chapter 9 when Jesus came to heal the deaf and mute child (the child with seizures) the boy’s father cried out “Lord I believe, help thou my unbelief.” This is my prayer: Lord, I believe – at least most of me does. If you are truly the God of the faith of my childhood show yourself to me in ways that can only be explained by your presence. In order to overcome my dependence on food and bring order to all the areas of my life I need a relationship with a higher power. Deep down I know that is you. If you are “the great physician” help me search my heart and honestly face the wounds that have brought me to this place.