I was looking at my weight numbers last night.
If you've noticed there's that big number that indicates weight lost (or will once you lose a pound). That's great to see, but it's just not meaning as much to me as it used to. Yes, it reminds me where I came from and how much work I've put into this process. It proves to me that the hard work is worth the effort. It is a reminder of how much harder it was to do everything. Now I can pick one of my kids up and they won't be as hard on my back as all that weight I was carrying all the time was.
Then there's that other number. The one Spark doesn't put up there. The one that is getting smaller every time the big number gets bigger. It's the number of pounds left to lose. That's the one that reminds me there is still work to be done. It's the one that reminds me that I'm getting closer to the goal line. It's the one that I count down on a different website to show people that it can be done.
I had a full goal, 80 pounds to lose all together. I've been doing the simple math that goes along with it, just like I'm helping the grade school kids learn to add and subtract, I'm learning how to add and subtract using my own numbers. For every pound lost, there are some pounds yet to be lost. Simple 80-54=26.
Honestly, I'm enjoying the smaller number. It's not as daunting as that big number. I'm having a harder time wrapping my head around the 54 pound number. I'm enjoying that second number getting smaller. It feels good to have it smaller each time. It's only 26.
It started as 80. Now it's only 26.
Sure, it might fluctuate or change completely when I get closer. I'm still not sure if I want to lose an extra 10 pounds when I hit it, but it's still a nice number to see.
As great as it is to see the accomplishment of that 54, seeing the end come closer all the time is nice too. I know that hitting that number won't really be "the end", but I won't have to be in this goal orientated mode anymore at that point. It will just be keeping the number around that number for the rest of my life, but seeing the 0 will be a big accomplishment to me.
I know that others may be impressed with the big number when I'm done, I mean 80 is a big number and they'll be impressed, they already are at 50. I simply have to put my winter jacket on to remind myself what I looked like at that starting number, and it will remind me every day for months now.
That big number reminds me of what I did to myself to begin with. I'm still kind of in denial about it, despite having photographic proof. My brain uploads every morning with the new data of my new normal, which goes better with the smaller number.
It seems more like a relief to see the smaller number though. I like knowing that it's getting smaller. My husband didn't understand when I was trying to explain it to him last night, but having thought about it all night I came to this conclusion: I like seeing the smaller number more than the big one. I like the fact that I'm sticking to it and didn't give up half-way through like I do most everything else. I could have easily said, oh good enough, don't worry about that last 26. I'm still going and haven't given up on my health.
I'm enjoying seeing that number shrink along with my waistline. The big number will be proof of being able to do it, but the smaller number is proof that I have to still do it and will be great to see it done.
I started with 0 and will end with 0. I had 0 pounds lost to begin with and will have 0 pounds to lose in the end. I will love the number 0 when I see it on the flip side!