Tuesday, October 09, 2012
So, it has been a frustrating week with my body. I was doing this very unwise thing last week where I was weighing myself super-frequently. For whatever reason, over the course of a week of eating right and exercising hard, my weight just kept going UP. and staying up. FIVE POUNDS UP. I weighed myself on Wednesday afternoon before my workout, and was so frustrated with the number that I wanted to yell and scream.
I forced myself to do my workout anyways, but about halfway through, I just got this "I've had it" feeling. I turned the DVD off, feeling jittery and anxious and unsatisfied. I just felt like it was all a complete waste of time. All the sweating and sore muscles and late nights at the gym, so that my scale creeps downwards slowly and then shoots right back up a week or a day later. I have lost 20 pounds in three months, and I just can't believe how THE SAME I look in all the before/after pictures. And I feel so lost because I was SO SO beautiful when I was in high school. And now I'm saggy and flabby and absolutely COVERED, HEAD TO TOE, in stretch marks. I just feel like it's been over a year since I was under 250 pounds. And I feel like I will never be that size again. I feel totally at sea and totally trapped in this body that won't change, no matter how many times I try to fight it off.
I know I should be greatful for my health and my friends and my family.--but like so many humans, all I can think about is what I want to have right now that I don't have. I want a boyfriend. I want a large circle of friends. I want to have things to do on the weekends that are productive and memorable. When I was in college, living in the dorms, I felt like a PART of something. It was so much easier to take care of myself when I saw myself as a piece in this bigger puzzle, and when I didn't feel lonely all of the time.
I haven't worked out since I melted down on Wednesday afternoon. I know I should tonight, and I know I will feel super guilty if I don't, but I just don't have the energy or the desire. I feel like nothing will change.
So much gratitude to anyone who slogs through all this negativity. Just feeling discouraged and needing to vent I guess.
Cheers to a happy 4-day-week