Tuesday, October 09, 2012

So, it has been a frustrating week with my body. I was doing this very unwise thing last week where I was weighing myself super-frequently. For whatever reason, over the course of a week of eating right and exercising hard, my weight just kept going UP. and staying up. FIVE POUNDS UP. I weighed myself on Wednesday afternoon before my workout, and was so frustrated with the number that I wanted to yell and scream.
I forced myself to do my workout anyways, but about halfway through, I just got this "I've had it" feeling. I turned the DVD off, feeling jittery and anxious and unsatisfied. I just felt like it was all a complete waste of time. All the sweating and sore muscles and late nights at the gym, so that my scale creeps downwards slowly and then shoots right back up a week or a day later. I have lost 20 pounds in three months, and I just can't believe how THE SAME I look in all the before/after pictures. And I feel so lost because I was SO SO beautiful when I was in high school. And now I'm saggy and flabby and absolutely COVERED, HEAD TO TOE, in stretch marks. I just feel like it's been over a year since I was under 250 pounds. And I feel like I will never be that size again. I feel totally at sea and totally trapped in this body that won't change, no matter how many times I try to fight it off.
I know I should be greatful for my health and my friends and my family.--but like so many humans, all I can think about is what I want to have right now that I don't have. I want a boyfriend. I want a large circle of friends. I want to have things to do on the weekends that are productive and memorable. When I was in college, living in the dorms, I felt like a PART of something. It was so much easier to take care of myself when I saw myself as a piece in this bigger puzzle, and when I didn't feel lonely all of the time.
I haven't worked out since I melted down on Wednesday afternoon. I know I should tonight, and I know I will feel super guilty if I don't, but I just don't have the energy or the desire. I feel like nothing will change.

So much gratitude to anyone who slogs through all this negativity. Just feeling discouraged and needing to vent I guess.

Cheers to a happy 4-day-week
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  • ELSCO55
    Hope you are having a better week. It is good to be able to vent.
    1882 days ago
    Stretch marks are victory scars...You are a tiger girl....you just aren't remembering how to roar right now...
    I love my stretch marks it shows me that I have lost weight....silly maybe but they make me smile...remind me of all the stripes I want to earn.
    You are so beautiful set that in mind...
    Be kind to yourself because you deserve everything the world has to offer you...
    A fellow tiger friend!

    1888 days ago
    I get frustrated all the time. I want to reach my goal weight tomorrow. The key is to never give up no matter what. And rejoice in each step. You'll reach your goal no matter how long it takes.
    1888 days ago
    I vented today too..blogs are good for that. Don't get discouraged, I know its so easy, I try to focus on the little things...my shirt fits a little better, the dvd was a little easier today, my hair looks shinier, stuff like that. I understand what you mean about focusing on the negative..I have some good friends, a house, wonderful husband but all I can think about is how I don't have a job which somehow translates into nothing else matters and life stinks. All day I constantly have to remind myself to be grateful for what i do have..its a constant struggle but worth it. Good luck to you! Hope you get back on track.
    1888 days ago
    That's what blogs are for. Don't let the scale rule your emotions.
    1888 days ago
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