Tuesday, October 09, 2012
So, this weekend, I tried hard not to think about the ER visit I had with my daughter on Friday night that resulted in no answers and us not getting home until 2am in the morning with the almost 3 year old (I can't believe in 11 days my baby will be three). Anyhow, I know there are reasons that I was trying not to think about it. It is going to send me to a bad place. A place I have been before with her. A place that lead me to add 30+ pounds in one year to my already 250 pound self. I will try to sum it up, but I know I won't be able to cover all of it in this one blog. It would take forever!
As I have talked about in past blog, my daughter suffers from depression and anxiety. She also suffers from severe cycles and a groin pain that has pretty much put her in a state of not wanting to do any exercise. This is the pain that sent her to the ER the other night. I already knew what the problem was deep down and again I ignored it because I was hoping they would find something, but they didn't and I knew they wouldn't. I knew that this was all caused by the stress which leads to the depression and anxiety. I haven't had time to talk to her about this, and I am dreading this discussion. She hasn't had a clear moment yet that seems good to talk to her about it. She will get upset when we talk about it since she thinks I am saying the pain is in her head and that isn't what I mean at all. I know the pain is real and that she feels it. What I do mean is that the pain is manifesting itself as a pain in her body. She has been talking about alot of the same things that she talked about 2 years ago. She won't really talk about them in person, she texts me at night and leaves me messages online. It is very stressful and hard to read and hard to deal with. She had seen a therapist for a bit and that kinda helped and kinda didn't. Then her therapist left town and she wanted to try over the summer to wean herself off the meds, she was tired of taking them and not feeling all the much better, she thought maybe taking herself off of them would make her feel more in control. For awhile (the summer) things seemed to be heading slowly in a good direction. Do not get me wrong the girl still had many bad days. Once going back to school though, I noticed it coming back and it is progressing far quicker than it has in the past. She confided in me yesterday such heartbreaking things for a mom to listen to, but did say she wants to go to therapy again.
This is a trigger for me. The phone would go off and I would head to the cupboards like Pavlovs dog! I am not exaggerating either. I would start with something that I thought would cure my want for a comfort food, something sweet and carby and pick a granola bar or something semi healthy, then it would just go from there. I would sit and eat calories upon calories of food until I felt sick to my stomach and tired and wanted a nap. I was disgusted with myself for giving in again. That phone noise something still sends me into panic mode, but I have coped with it better in the past year. I am very nervous about now though. I am nervous about what it will say from her and how I shoud react. It is hard for me to keep calm, a lot of times I want to yell and scream at her because I just don't understand why she feels this way, but I must keep in mind all of this is real to her and that I am not her and she probably doesn't understand it either.
So, this is where I was sitting two years ago. I specifically remember being at my youngests 1st birthday party and friends knowing I had a rough weekend with her and my looking at them enter the room and I wanted to cry because I could tell on their faces they wanted to talk to me about it and console me but it wasn't possible at that time. I wanted to have a breakdown. I was eating out of control behind closed doors.
Here I am two years later, having taken off all that weight and looking down the same path. I remember having thoughts that we would have all of this under control by the time she was a senior and that she could enjoy her remaining year in high school, and that is not the case. This path I head down is scary for many reasons, some reasons for my daughter who is in a bad place in her head and some reasons for me. I wonder if I am prepared to go through all this again and not go back to being Pavlovs dog. I think I am stronger, I think I am ready, but then I wonder if I am lying to myself and trying to tell myself those things. So, I sat down this afternoon with a cup of tea and thought about things. I thought about:
What is different this time?
What is the same this time?
How can I prevent that panicy feeling from even happening?
What can I do when it does and I am not feeling in control?
One thing that is different is I am a stronger person for myself right now. Two years ago I would have never thought about things I could do besides eat, I just ate. I have many different ways to deal with things and I need to remember them during my harder moments. I am a healthier person and feeling better about myself will hopefully enable me to help her more.
The thing that is the same is the panic feeling when the phone goes off. The feelings that I shouldn't go to bed in case she wakes up and feels badly and won't come talk to me and lay there alone and feel more upset. She is no stronger and that makes me sad and scared.
There probably isn't much I can to stop the panic feeling or the thoughts from roaming my brain, but I can learn to handle them better and mostly that will probably be in the form of exercising and sparkpeople. I can do things to calm me. Today I tried Qi Gong, which I REALLY enjoyed. I didn't think it would since we all know what a sweat junkie I was. The nice thing about it is that I didn't sweat though. So, that is something I could do anytime of the day and not have to worry about cleaning up when I am done. I know I have my runs and those always put me more at ease, but it isn't always possible for me to lace up and head out. I can always get on sparkpeople as well. Read motivational stories and others blogs. Catch up with my sparkfriends newsfeeds and blogs. Write blogs of my own if I need to. I also changed the ringtone of my text message in hopes that it won't stress me out so much.
Today I made all the appropriate calls to all the people I needed to. We will be seeing her pediatrician tomorrow and get a referral from him for a couple of different therapists he recommends. I called the pain management people so they can see her next week and help her learn to deal with the pain without always having to pop advil. I called the old office where she want and told them to have her file ready for anyone I needed to send it to in the upcoming weeks. I called the insurance company to see how I can find out if the people we are referred to are covered on our insurance plan. All done, all stuff I was dreading.
Now it is time to head back down this path, but I am better armed this time and I do know more than I did last time. I know what to expect somewhat and I have to have faith that things will work out for the best, even though it may again be a lengthy process and there will be many bumps.
Thanks for listening to all of that sparkfriends! I am ever so thankful to have an outlet knowing that I will not be judged, nor will my daughter and that I have such a great support system.