Tuesday, October 09, 2012
I am in a negative space right now. I know that there is light at the end of the tunnel, and I just have to ride the waves until I reach the end of this darkness. I also need to put things into perspective.
I am feeling hopeless about this weight loss journey.
I have been at the same weight (essentially) since June. Let me back track a little.
I started this journey (seriously) in May, 2011 when I joined a "biggest loser" competition at work. I started at 194. Using spark, I logged all my food and started training for a half marathon (to be run October 2011). Slowly, and I mean SLOWLY, the weight started to come off. With my training runs (in all honesty, I ran only about 3x week - should have run more), and my eye on my nutrition, I dropped down to about 175 the day of the half marathon (about 19 pounds lost in 5 months - glacier slow weight loss).
After the half marathon, I was determined to keep my fitness up and maintain a running schedule (after every marathon/half marathon, I seem to stop training and then eventually have to start at square one - again). Then I was hit with a large project at work. It's not the best excuse in the world - but I was pulling 14+ hour days, getting into the office around 6am...and leaving by around 8 or 9 pm (sometimes later) and working weekends. I was exhausted and emotionally drained - the last thing I wanted to do was run. So, after about the second week in November, my running died down.
Although I stuck to my nutrition plan, I allowed myself some freedom around the holidays with the intention of getting back on plan in January. Thankfully, I only put on about 8 pounds or so from November through December. So, I jumped back on my plan and by March, had gotten back down to 175...then dropped it to 173.
Then, I went off plan again (my birthday's in March (2012 marked my 31st year), I moved out of my boyfriend's house and we discussed breaking up - it was a stressful time). In April, I got back on plan again and jump started it was the 17 day diet. At this point, I had gotten up to about 184 (I think). I quickly lost the weight and was back down to 175 by the end of the first phase.
When I transitioned to the second phase, I was faltering on the weekends. So, week after week for a month (though to June), I stayed at 175. FRUSTRATING. Then, I went to a naturopath who put me on a 10 day cleanse (that was not fun) and I got down to 169!!!! FINALLY - out of the 170s!!!! He wanted to extend the cleanse for 28 days. After much consideration I decided not to follow through (it was super expensive, and 10 days is one thing - 28 was SO long!). My weight went back up to about 173 (July).
I decided I needed to get serious about the exercise thing. So, in August, I started my current fitness plan (running M W F; walking T Th). By the 3rd week in August, although my weight had not changed (it would fluctuate between 172.6 and 173), my body started to change. People were noticing and complimenting me. But my weight stayed the same.
I went on a week long vacation (from nutrition and fitness as well), and put on less than 4 pounds.
Then in September, I joined the BLC20 competition on spark and I was hoping that it would kick my butt into gear - there were some things I could change and a competition might be just what I need to give myself the momentum.
The first week I lost 1 pound. The second week I lost almost 4 pounds. The third week I lost nothing (my weight is back to the 172.6 range). I'm ending the fourth week (weigh in is Wed) soon and I am not anticipating a weight loss.
And that frustrates me to no end. Especially because the week before the status quo weigh in, I had increased my fitness and maintained a good weekend, nutritionally. I blame the lack of loss on the TMO - but regardless of what I try to tell myself, logically, I cannot seem to emotionally get past the fact that my weight did not go down (despite good nutrition and good fitness).
And this Wednesday...I am dreading the weigh in. Although this last week was my BEST fitness wise - it was not my best nutritionally. I went over calories on Saturday by 30. And went over astronomically on Sunday.
THEN, today I should have gone on a 3 mile run. But, I'm coming down with a cold and not feeling 100%. So, I did an 8 minute spark cardio video, twice, in addition to a 10 minute arm toning video for a total of 26 minutes of fitness today - pretty good considering I didn't want to do anything. But 26 minutes of fitness cannot erase the massive caloric binge from Sunday.
I have a nice hour long walk planned tomorrow with a friend (which is fine because I am really not feeling well and don't think I can get a run in), but it definitely cannot erase the calorie binge from Sunday either.
So, here I am. Concerned over a number on the scale...two days from now...and feeling frustrated with this entire journey so far!
I feel that a change of perspective can help me get out of the darkness. I'm not doing EVERYTHING that I could be doing on this journey. There are still things I can change...which means there is room for improvement!
These are my current areas that need improvement:
1) Weekends. I am not always very good about sticking to my nutrition plan on the weekends. I don't know why but it seems extra hard for me to stay within my calorie range. I need to be much more strict about my weekend nutrition, especially since I allow myself a 'cheat' day;
2) Fitness. I have recently upped my workouts (am now running 3 miles/day M, W, F, and continuing to walk 60 mins T and Th). I only work out for a maximum of an hour and a minimum of 20 minutes M-F. I think I need to up my fitness - the problem is that I don't see that as truly feasible right now....;
3) Simple carbs. I think I need to eat more fruits and vegetables and stay away from refined flours/sugars. I am having a hard time sticking to a whole food diet at the moment - this can definitely be improved!
So, here's a little more perspective: If I continue to do the same thing over and over again and expect a different result - that is the definition of insanity. If I continuously falter nutritionally on the weekends, then my weight will continuously stay the same. If I do not increase my fitness levels, then my weight will stay the same. If I continue to eat simple sugars (i.e. pretzels, bread products, bagels, etc.) then I cannot be surprised when my weight does not change.
Maybe if I make some changes, it will be reflected in my weight?
I'm scared about making large changes because I don't want to set myself up for failure. I don't want to go too strong too quickly only to burn out after 3 days and go back to my old pattern. So, I think I'm going to set small goals to work toward.
My main concern is my nutrition. So, in the next week, I am going to work on the following goals:
1) Eat 5 vegetable servings/day;
2) Eat 2 fruit servings/day;
3) Limit simple sugars/carbs to one day a week (cheat day);
4) Draw up a nutrition plan for the weekend and have all foods prepared prior to so that there is not room for error
I will reassess next week and see what can be further improved and what needs tweaking.
I already feel much better now that I have a plan of attack and a new perspective on everything.
Just hoping it will be reflected on the scale...