Monday, October 08, 2012
And I dont know how to get out of it.
I feel like my mind is playing some sort of Jekyll & Hyde game. About half of my week I am on a motivational high, making good choices and feeling good about myself. The next moment I am digging into a deep dark hole and binging on bags of chips, fast food and feeling like the lowest form of scum you can imagine.
I know this is not healthy.
I spend hours sometimes trying to determine why I do the things that I do. I think one of the biggest things I am faced with right now is fear. I am so afraid of disappointing everyone, including myself. A lot of people know that I have been trying to change my lifestyle and in some ways I like the fact that I have a support system but it scares me at the same time because I am always questioned on how I'm progressing and I am scared that I will let them all down if I screw up.
I am also feeling an extreme amount of pressure. I get a lot of comments from people closest to me about choices I make with food, how much exercise I'm not doing and how I have gained quite a few pounds over the past few years. I know they aren't always meant to be hurtful comments, but I think that is often how I perceive them to be and it's been harder on me than I think.
I really do want this for me. I want to feel good about myself. I want to be healthy. I want to make good choices with food but at the same time not have to completely deprive myself of the things I like to eat. I want to be able to shop at my favorite clothing stores and not worry about whether or not things will fit me. I want to not be so self conscious about my body. I want to not worry about what other people think of me. I want to not feel like the fat girl in the room. I want to be fashionable. I want to not cover my emotions with food. I want to have more good days on my healthy lifestyle than bad days, unlike how recently things have been the opposite.
I know I am rambling on here and to some this may seem extreme or confusing but I just know I need things to change or I am going to go crazy.
I signed up for the 5% Fall Challenge as some of you may know. I really hope that I can live up to my teams expectations and do well on this. My first two days haven't been the best but I am moving to a better place and I know with the support of my friends here and a positive attitude that I can overcome some of big obstacles and I will come out on top.