Monday, October 08, 2012
My Mother, I think was the smartest woman that ever lived. She was always very calm about most things, except if, her children were hurt then she went to pieces, other wise you could not shake her. She thought hard before ever giving an answer, what she said was law, she was always right, and what ever she said you could depend on it, good or bad. She would correct me by asking me questions. She could calm me down with just a look. I think that is what I miss the most about her.
I had a hard week, I wrote everything down, I didn't track yet, expecting the worse, but knowing I am ok. I did eat what I wanted, but watched my portions. I am not doing so good on the water thing. My scales have gone slap crazy. I just don't think I am suppose to weigh this week for some reason. I did manage to get it to read the same thing twice. First two times I got it to weigh the same thing It said I had lost 17 pounds I liked to hit the floor, but my DH the wonderful supporter that he is, NOT!!! claimed that just could not be possible. ( I am venting like crazy right now because of frustration)
I caved real bad on Saturday and ate fried food. Just because I wanted it, I stayed with my portions and calorie count for that meal, not because I wanted to binge or because the scale didn't do right, or the fact I was thinking about sending DH to somewhere really cold, but right now I am thinking about sending him some where extremely hot if you know what I mean.
I had a girls day out with my best friend, I had such a great time on Saturday. I didn't wright anything down until I returned home I did remember everything. I just enjoyed the day. I felt so human and healthy. I felt in control for the first time in a long time. I have gained a tremendous amount of knowledge these past few months ( I thank-you GOD, Mama & Sparkpeople for your help), and I was tested on Sunday. I really know I am stronger than I have ever been, emotionally and physically. I also now know how to blog and get it all out instead of bottling it up inside.
On Sunday, I had seen a family member in Walmart that I had not seen in a while. I was in the exercise section looking for the 28 day boot camp by Sparkpeople I desperately want a copy, online it said that they had one, but when I got there I couldn't find it. I did get some hand weights, a ball, and a brita water bottle with the filter in it, ( If you drink bottled water these are the best things since sliced bread, they are awesome), This person said hello, we hugged, I am hard of hearing but what this person said next, tore my heart out. " Are you lost what are you doing over here,( stop ok maybe this person was saying to me was what was I doing over in this town because I was not in my home town or I can't believe I am getting to see you because I miss you?) Nah, this person meant I don't know why you are over in this section when you will never use what you would get over here you are wasting your time and money. The reason I know this is because I said I was picking up some things to use to help me in my exercise, Of which they replied, smugly well, just how much weight have you lost, I said twenty- nine pounds, ( ok stop again, normal people, people I don't even know, have built me up and told me what a great job I am doing and just keep at it, it will take a while but just stick with it and you can do this, we are so proud of you, you have to start somewhere, eventually you will get there, we are behind you 100 percent, We can tell you are trying real hard, keep up the good work.)
Not a helpful word was said by this person, all they could talk about was them and how this person had lost 20 lbs because this person was walking in walmart everyday,I told this person that they were doing so well, ( I was proud of my 2 mile walk ) and told them that I was walking, I congratulated this person on their loss, but nothing was said to me, which it didn't matter to me because I wasn't doing what I was doing for them, plain and simple I am doing it for me.
Before this would have wounded me deep down in my soul because I care a great deal about them. Before I would have quit because of the scale, fried food, and what this person said, but the difference now is, I want to be healthy, I want to be fit, I want to play outside (yes I am an adult I am 46 years old), I want to enjoy my life and have fun. I will not let anyone destroy what I am doing with words, chips brought in the house, icecream in the freezer, fat ridden takeout brought in my house, Little Debbie fudge rounds,( you know who you are) I am not going to damage what I am working so hard for, I will reach every single goal I set. Because I WANT to.
Now for the Elephant in the room I am trying to avoid, I have not said purposely how much I started at or what size I am nor have I posted a picture,because I am embarrassed, thinking that no one could tell just how bad it had gotten. Thank you to everyone who posted your weight, who added your picture, does a video blog, post your measurements, your food tracker, and your heartfelt blogs, and your exercise tracker. You will never know just how grateful I am to you for this. Your courage and your hearts have helped me to get over my elephant I have been trying to avoid. I now have the courage to do what you did, I started at 329 lbs. I am now at 300 I wore a size 32 I am down to a 26. I will have a photo and my measurements on another blog I will have someone take that photo and post it for me. I refuse to hide any more. Some of you are the same weight as me and you are exercising tremendously every day, you make me try new things because you did them and you inspire me to do better.
I used my ball and my weights last night and I walked on my treadmill and used my weights before work today. There was a time when I was little, I was discouraged and frustrated I had something to do that I didn't think I could do, I didn't have the self confidence to think I could even try, I asked my Mother I just don't know what to do, how will I ever get this done? She said sister, how do you eat an Elephant? One bite at the time.