Monday, October 08, 2012
While in the 4th grade I remember going home one day and cutting the size labels in all of my clothes. I guess that I felt that doing so would make changing in the locker room during gym a bit easier. This is one of my earliest memories of worrying about my weight, body image and other insecurities. Around the same time I started being bullied for my weight and my doctor recommended “weight watchers” for kids. It wasn’t until high school though that I really tried to change my lifestyle or was truly concerned with my health and fitness. Before that I just wanted to fit in, feel comfortable and thought being skinny could bring you all the happiness in the world.
My weight crept up on me over time but remember being shocked one day when I stepped on the scale and saw ’174′. Now is the time I guess I should mention I am 5’1. Something clicked after that day and eventually I got to around 155. Over the next few years my weight fluctuated between 160 and 150. After high school is when I realized I was the ONLY person who had any control of my weight, shape, or size. With healthy eating and being active for the first time in my life; I got down to 135 pounds- the smallest I had ever been. I was making tons of new friends, going to school, working and in a brand new relationship.
It seems like it all came crashing down on me suddenly though. I switched jobs, broke up with my boyfriend, and changed my birth control which ended with me not getting a period for nearly four months. This I believe is when my unhealthy relationship with food truly deepened. I saw three doctors, had tons of blood work and other test done. I was convincing myself I was pregnant, and started binge eating. Within six months, I ballooned up to 186 pounds because of the amount of binge eating I was doing. I went from a size 6 to a size 16; which was the biggest I have ever been. Words cannot even begin to describe how defeated I felt, I was lost and out of control in every aspect of my life. My body ached, I had no energy or motivation, I hated looking in the mirror each and everyday.
I still held on to a bit of hope though and knew I could make positive changes. It took me two years but I went from 186 pounds down to 131. I was happy, healthy and living binge free. My outlook on life completely transformed unlike it ever had before. I worked so hard towards my goal and had never been as proud of myself. Aside from being in control, I realized each day was a brand new day. I no longer had that “all or nothing” attitude that I gained from binge eating. I no longer ate like I would never eat again. I gave in to temptation from time to time, but I never gave up. I also remembered the promises I had made to myself.
Currently, I am 144 pounds and my mindset is the same as it had been 13 pounds ago. I did put on some weight but understand that there are only a FEW pounds between me and my goal. I am not about to give up completely and eat my way back up to 186. Maintence is just as difficult as losing weight some days, which is one of the main reasons I decided to begin this blog. I am hoping to ensure I hold myself accountable, while also learning and sharing with others. This is a journey which I am on, and there is no destination. I need to keep moving in the right direction though, and know I can and WILL be successful.
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