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    STEPH-KNEE   69,921
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My Mental Health Day

Sunday, October 07, 2012

So first I gotta address the hypocrite status, because I'm fully aware that a little over a week ago I said I was stepping back from the blogs. So anyone that wants to throw rotten tomatoes, the floor is yours. emoticon emoticon

This is just for my select handful of Spark Friends that have asked how I was doing and stuff... and it makes me warm and fuzzy that you guys care about how I am doing.



So yesterday was just a terrible terrible day. I know the point of this blog was to share things with my Spark buddies, but to be honest there are some things I just have no desire to discuss. So let's just say it was a rough day, and I was at work. I am also on my TOM and the cramps are horrible. I am now starting birth control in hopes that it is going to help my cramps and all things associated with that girlie time. So fingers crossed for that one.

I had the HUGEST frozen yogurt from Yogurtland yesterday that was essentially my dinner. Bad, bad Stephanie. The worst part was, I didn't even care! Nope. Not one bit. I had oreos, reese's, cheesecake bites on top of it. I didn't track it and I didn't care. It scared me a little but I couldn't be bothered.

I am having some issues with the boy, they are not huge issues and we actually were just texting and things seem to be okay, but let's just say I am definitely going to walk around with my heart a lot more guarded in terms of this boy. I still can not 100% say what his intentions and stuff are, so that is a process. So that was bothering me in addition to the super personal stuff that I am not comfortable sharing. I'm not trying to be a tease by mentioning that again, I just want people to know that it's not like one tiny problem I'm blowing out of proportion. I've got some crap going on for sure LOL.

So I fully intended to stay in my pj's all day today, which NSV time. I found a fuzzy pair of jammie pants that I couldn't wear for a whiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiile, they are just an extra large. Of course they stretch like crazy, but THEY FIT. With my "bottom stomach" and "butt" being the largest part around, I can very easily need 1x or 2x stretchy things to get them to fit. So I am happy about that, they are so comfy!

I am going to watch some movies and I'm not going to lie, I'm going to have a good cry. I cried myself to sleep this morning (don't be alarmed) and it helped, so if I have to let any more out I will.

But here's the bad part. I fully woke up today thinking I was going to binge. In fact, I was going to binge and I didn't care about it. I wanted to drive to the one place, get a grilled cheese, patty melt, and chili cheese fries. I was going to eat the grilled cheese and half the fries for lunch and the rest for dinner.

I would love to sit here and tell you all that I woke up this morning and said to myself, "Stephanie, you are better than that! You are not going to harm your body, you are going to do what's right and you are going to fight for this weight loss you want so badly!" That did not happen. I was already thinking about what my order would be, but then I decided to peek ever so slightly at the scale. I saw....

218.6!!! I was 220.2 just last Wednesday. Could it be a fluctuation? Probably. Could that mean by this weigh in Wednesday that I'm back to 220.2, it could happen. But that made me not want to binge. Any port in a storm as my Gammie always says. So instead I am going to make a patty melt at home, and track all my calories.

I have an exercise streak with my girl Susan... 30 minutes of exercise a day and I think today will be day 16. I don't know if I can do it. I really don't, I am really struggling today, but we will see what happens.

So that is what is going on with me... I know that doesn't go into the juicy tidbits, but I just can't do it right now, but I heart everyone who has reached out to me and checked on me and you all keep me going even when I don't really want to. emoticon
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  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

PRINCESSAMY 10/16/2012 2:48PM

    Everyone has days like that. I would like something is wrong if you didn't.

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HEATHERFREE 10/10/2012 11:00PM

    VERY awesome, I don't know what all is happening with you since you wont give it up! But as far as the weightloss you are doing so flipping amazing!!! and really I'm not lieing when I say your journey and your progress is sometimes the ONLY reason I
ve kept hanging on. Zeldabee and Kassie too but sometimes your it kid! lol I think its because we both have similar things going on, we arent married no kids and have similar meal plans. well anywho your doing good, and for TOM nuva ring birth control is AMAZING for reducing the crazy moods and best of all cramps, I just havent had the money to keep on it. But believe me the last few Toms have made me want to get back on it.

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JESSICA_STULTZ 10/9/2012 9:29AM

    Glad you decided to stay home and track. Sometimes it's the little things that make big differences. I am sure you saved calories AND money by not going out to eat. I hope you can turn today around and make it a better one. We don't blame you for not wanting to share everything. It happens to us all. Haha. I wish there was a way to magically break the habit of emotional eating.. or even eating extra or for no reason. It would make this weight loss journey so much easier. Doesn't it feel good to almost be to One-derland? I am so excited to reach that. Made it hard to swallow that I was up 2 pounds this week. Ugh. Why are there so many delicious foods?? Anyways.. I just thought I'd let you know that you got this! You can make it past this obstacle just as you have made it past all the obstacles this far. One thing I've been told is that the struggles are what makes the accomplishment so great. Once you hit your goals you can look back and say "Look at all the crap I went through and I STILL hit my goals." You are stronger than you know!

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GEMINIGEM6 10/8/2012 9:26PM

    I swear I can relate to this SO much. I too have things that are just TOO personal to share and peeps have no idea just how much I'm dealing with on a daily basis. I really try to take it a day at a time...sometimes a moment at a time. It's hard. I just cried today. All I can say is what my mom always tells me 'this too shall pass'. I know that may not help a lot but it helps me sometimes. I hope the girlie stuff gets straightened out as welll as I also go through THAT as well. I think you're my long lost sister. Lol. And I hope 'the boy' situation reveals itself soon enough. It's always best to take those things slowly and really get to know the person. I really have learned that lesson the hard way one too many times unfortunately. I'm here for you girl. Inbox me if you ever wanna talk! :) And thanks so much for the comment on my vid blog again. So sweet. :) emoticon

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GRACEMCC45 10/8/2012 9:26PM

    You are doing awesome, woo hoo!!!

And you can squeeze me anytime you like emoticon

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_MOBII_ 10/8/2012 8:13PM

    Sometimes its the little nudges that yell the loudest 'Look at me!'
So happy to see that you 'decided to peek at the scale' Congratulations on the 1.6 pounds!
And glad to see that your fuzzy jammies turned out to be a NSV as well!
emoticon

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BETHIEBOOPS 10/8/2012 10:22AM

    Look at those good choices you made! You are so awesome. And YAY for NSV! It won't be long until you're wearing a normal boring L or even M to bed! Can you imagine?!

I'm sorry to hear that things are tough right now. I totally get keeping certain things private- this is the internet afterall. But I really hope they pass quickly, and that your ship rights itself so you can keep plowing forward.

We're all on yourside! And just a private message away from a rant if you need :)

*hugs*

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MERRY_XMAS 10/8/2012 4:26AM

    It was nice to hear from you!
emoticon for making the right choices!!!

emoticon emoticon

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DUMBBELLE84 10/8/2012 1:29AM

  Hey, beautiful. Whatever is going on, just know that we support and care about you. So glad to hear that you're scale actually helped you today. Take care of yourself. Times get tough, but it'll pass. xoxo


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EATVEGAN 10/8/2012 1:19AM

    Congratulations, girl. You got past it and made some good choices. That sounds great in my book. I'm sorry you are going through distressing times. But even though we sometimes think we will feel better if we just EAT, when we've finished (and the food only lasts about 15 minutes) we are left with the regret to add to the distress we were already feeling. Don't beat yourself up about the yogurt. Instead congratulate yourself on the good steps you took today. emoticon

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IMSOOZEEQ 10/8/2012 12:07AM

    Okay so where do I start? I have to be honest that I feel bad that I wasn't around the last few days to be a support for you. Okay so the emoticon although the situation could have been different, I am glad you stepped on it and it stopped you from damaging all the hard work you have put in. Obviously, there is something going on to bring you to this place. I am sorry that you are having some issues. You know I am here! Okay so the last few days I haven't been but I was logging in and I sure would ALWAYS read your emails!

You had some great positives that you listed there and I really hope that you paid close attention to them. Getting into the pjs! emoticon Seeing 218.6 on the scale! emoticon Like can you see what I see? You are getting SO close to Onederland! It has to be like someone cooking in the kitchen and waking up to the smell of coffee or bacon. Okay sorry for the food reference but I know you know what I mean! It is SO SO SO close! Cooking your patty melt at home instead of going out, HUGE! That is emoticon You made the decision to track all your calories! That is another HUGE one! As are as the streak, I know you can do it. I have had a few days of just having to push and talk to myself the whole way through it. Now that being said, you know that I am NOT going to judge you if you have to begin again. I still emoticon ya! I will still be here to support you. You know I got you!

Hey girl, I know about the need for a mental health day. I am glad that you recognized the need for one and that you took it. Getting a hold of it now is better than trying to run after it as it snowballs. You are facing it now and that is great!!

Much love emoticon emoticon



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JACOBSBELOVED 10/7/2012 11:26PM

    I'm glad you blogged. I really think this helped you out a lot and you needed to put your problems out there, even if some of them were a bit vague. You know what was unspoken and I think it still helped to mention it, even if you didn't go into details. We have to keep some things to ourselves every now and then. There's nothing wrong with wanting to keep some things private. :)

218?! Like you said, it may be a fluctuation but what if it wasn't?? We'll see on Wednesday. That got me really excited!!

We all go through difficult times when it comes to eating, especially if we know it has the possibility to make us feel better emotionally. I know this isn't the beginning of a downward spiral or anything, especially since you prevented youself from going out and getting something to eat. You made your patty melt at home, which is always going to be better for you than getting it at a restaurant. I'm glad you peeked at the scale, too, even if it wasn't a weigh-in day. I think it did a lot of good for you.

I hope whatever it is you're going through gets better soon. I don't want you to hurt. :(

Keep us updated with everything (if you can/want)!

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