I'm starting my second week on SP and this is my first blog post. I don't know where the time goes every day, but I just can't seem to keep up with everything. And now I'm adding a weight loss journey, which I know will require a great deal of time, energy, and focus. With my physical disabilities, depression and lack of energy this is going to be a REAL challenge for me. However, I can't help thinking...... the time is going to pass anyway, so I might as well make an effort by starting with a few small goals that can move me in the right direction. The truth is... I'm slowly killing myself with my current lifestyle. Do I want to keep on going in this direction, or do I want to try something different? I'm ready to give SP another shot. The following is a bit about me and my challenges.
I went on disability in late 2003 for major depression, anxiety, bulimia. I was also an addict, food and marijuana being my most prominent problem areas. I believe all of this was due to the sexual abuse that occurred throughout most of my childhood by 3 close relatives. There were a few isolated incidences from other men as well. I learned at a very young age to escape emotionally. Later on, I began to use food to comfort the complicated feelings that came and went. These coping mechanisms continued to prove useful for many years...that is... until I turned to alcohol and then drugs to cope with life itself. In 2002 I found my first NA meeting, a place where I finally felt understood and accepted exactly the way I was. But staying clean proved to be a huge challenge for me and the most clean time I've managed to get is 15 months. And for the past 3-4 years, I've been terrified of giving up control of "my" life to any twelve step group. Not even the tremendous misery I've experienced again and again is enough to surrender my life to anyone.
About 3 years ago, I was diagnosed with fibromyalgia and chronic fatigue syndrome. I have suffered with fatigue for years and was using a CPAP for severe sleep apnea. Although the machine helps, I still have to take medication to help me stay awake during the day. The fibromyalgia only make things worse. And during the first few months I packed an additional 40 pounds onto my already overweight, 4' 11" frame. I seem to have the binging under control, but I just can't seem to find the ambition or energy to make sure I'm eating a healthy diet, let alone exercise to keep the weight under control. I don't think my body can handle anymore weight. I now have chronic back pain along with the pain in my arms, legs, hips, and neck from the fibro. I wake up with pain and I go to bed with pain. They won't give me narcotics because of my drug addiction, and they won't do weight loss surgery because of the addiction. So I feel pretty hopeless. And then after my dad died of a horrible disease, even though he lived an extremely healthy lifestyle, I think I just gave up.
In May of 2011 my dad, who lived a very healthy lifestyle for several years was diagnosed with a very rare, incurable leukemia. He was given 6 mo. to 2 yrs. to live. We were still trying to recover from the suicides of and aunt and uncle that happened in Jan. My aunt shot herself one morning and my uncle, the next. I was living in Florida, near my snowbird parents and was planning to come home with them for a long overdue visit. I would take a bus back in a couple of weeks. I had no desire or plans to ever move back to my hometown in Michigan, but when dad was diagnosed I knew without even a second thought that I had to move back home to be near my family as we waited for the loss of my dad. We've always been a very close family and it was going to be a rough summer.
My brother and nephew came down to FL and helped me move back home. I had to live with another brother for 9 weeks before I finally got into an apartment. My life as I knew it had been turned upside down, and the stress was overwhelming to say the least. I hate to admit that I'd even given it a thought, but the idea of suicide was out of the question as I knew it would completely destroy my mom and brothers, with all we were trying to cope with already. When my dad finally got in to see an oncologist here in MI, his blood levels had dropped so fast that this new doctor changed his survival time to 1-6 months. He lived just a few short months and passed on Nov.12th. It'll soon be a year, and we're all still in shock and disbelief that he's gone and is never coming back.
While dad was sick, I became interested in learning more about his family background. When someone on the family reunion committee asked for a volunteer to update the family history that was printed in 1987, I jumped on it. And I've been working on it almost every day since. What makes this a very addictive hobby, is the never ending information that you find, whether you've been working for 5 minutes or 5 hours. The problem for me is that the longer I sit in front of the computer, the more stiffness I experience. And this stiffness brings on more pain when I finally get up to move about. I know I'm spending too much time sitting in front of my computer. I've been experiencing so much pain in both legs, besides swelling in my ankles and feet. I'm afraid that if I don't get up and move more, I could experience a blood clot that could be deadly, or I may have a heart attack or stroke. I've been trying to move more, but it's very difficult with so much pain.
My mom has a real bad knee which needs to be replaced, but her doctor wants her to lose 30 lbs. before he will do the surgery. She's using a walker and has to stay off of her feet in order to avoid the terrible pain. I bought us both a real good Sit And Be Fit video. Mom was doing it almost every day and following Weight Watchers. She's lost 11 lbs. but needs help around the house. I live about 25 miles away, which isn't too bad, but I can't do as much as I'd like to. Every time I go there for a few days I have to pack a lot of stuff, including my cat. It takes a great deal of energy I don't have to get over there, and doing her chores is just as difficult for me as it is for her. Besides the fact that I'm not getting my stuff done at home then. It's a bad situation, but we're just trying to do the best we can.
I've been working all day today on my program stuff. Getting my goals, program, and page set up here on SP. And now I've been sitting too long again. So I've got to get up and do a few things in my apartment. I'm just going to take this one day at a time and do the best I can. My biggest goal is to NOT give up, no matter what!! I'm going to accept those days (like today) when I don't reach my goals, and keep right on going. NEVER GIVE UP. I think that's the most important key to the success of any life improving journey. I don't know why I haven't followed this advice before now.