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Perception vs reality, the skinny

Sunday, October 07, 2012

So there I am, staring at myself in the mirror and who do I see? My mind doesn't think I'm that skinnier gal I see in those pictures. It still sees all the flab and that large area around my mid section. Surprisingly I still don't see my body as a skinny gal.

Logic dictates that I have lost more than 50 pounds. I have lost enough mass to wear jeans that are two sizes smaller. I even think I'm cute in certain flattering clothes, which are easier to find at this size.

But then I stand there naked after a shower and look, really look. I still have that extended belly, partly due to two decent sized babies (my son was 8 pounds, 13 ounces at birth!), partly due to natural swelling from gaining weight. My butt is still taking up plenty of space.

I'm just tired of looking pregnant, even if I've gotten down looking like a few months pregnant instead of 8 months.

I'm wondering when I'll finally see myself as skinny? I know I'm still in the overweight category, which is much better than the obese category I started out at, but I don't know if I'll ever see myself as skinny. I know I'm "normal" looking now, but I doubt that other people see me as skinny as they pass me in public.

Even now I've been contemplating where my final weight should lie. Should it be that 150 I've set or should I try for 140? I know that decision won't be set until I get there. I know that 140 will be harder than anything else I've done because even as a teenager, I was 150. The closer I get to the "final goal" the more I contemplate it. I know I won't go much past either of those weights, but seeing the final goal so close now starts those questions in my mind.

In the end those are just numbers on a scale and most days my body doesn't bother me. My self-esteem is not completely wrapped up in my looks. I know I'm more than just the sum of my physical parts.

It's just one of those things that smacks me in the face because I'm actually concentrating on my body and really looking for the first time in years. Having seen myself more clearly for the first time makes me actually contemplate how I got there and why I'm not going back. It's tiring trying to get there and not going faster than the body can actually do this in a healthy way. I know I'll get there in time and I'll have the picture to prove it, starting pants and all!

Time to go concentrate on the things that look good on me today!
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    I know what you mean about looking skinny. Even before I gained my weight back and starting over at my thinnest I still saw myself as fat and that was a problem. Like you I should just concentrate about being healthy. Keep going you can do it! Lucinda
    1988 days ago
    That belly gets to me, too. My third baby was just shy of 10 lbs, and he messed my stomach up more than it already was from the first two. I know that until I get surgery, I'll never look like I'm not pregnant, and frankly, I don't mind a little roundness, but the stuff I have on there now? Bleagh!
    1989 days ago
  • X5X52000
    emoticon for sharing
    1989 days ago
    We are in a parallel universe! That "phantom fat" is something else, isn't it? I know exactly what you mean about knowing you are smaller but not always seeing it upon closer inspection.

    You've made so much progress, I'm sure you will get to whatever goal you decide. Best wishes!
    1989 days ago
    This is the second time for me to lose weight. I can remember thinking these things when I was geting closer to my goal. I am not sure, if I ever lost those thoughts...
    I do, however, remember having a better feeling about myself and actually being proud of what I had succeeded to do with myself, even though my brain still thought of me as fat. I did not reach my goal before being put on insulin and the slow regaining of weight to where I ended up last december. I still avoid looking in mirrors, especially full length ones. I am on a track back down again but it is very slow and difficult. Willl my mind ever reject seeing myself as fat? I don't know. Will my mind except that I am healthier than I was? definitely! and so, that is the goal for me, healthier. The number goal is not something I think about very often, last time or this time. My mind and my body will connect and agree when I am at my healthiest. I have no fear if anorexia, I love food too much! Besides having diabetes willprevent that anyways
    have a great day friend
    1990 days ago
    You're right - you are more than just the sum of your parts. You have to stop worrying about skinny. "Skinny" is a subjective term. Most people relate skinny to a runway model, and that kind of body is mostly based on bone structure! I have lost enough weight for my hipbones to stick out, and I am still a size 12, and I am thrilled to be there. My bones don't go any smaller than that! Remember that this journey is more than just about weight and clothing size, its about being healthy. Don't discount what you have done and allow yourself to relish your continued success! Best wishes to you are you continue on your journey.
    1990 days ago
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