Sunday, October 07, 2012
So there I am, staring at myself in the mirror and who do I see? My mind doesn't think I'm that skinnier gal I see in those pictures. It still sees all the flab and that large area around my mid section. Surprisingly I still don't see my body as a skinny gal.
Logic dictates that I have lost more than 50 pounds. I have lost enough mass to wear jeans that are two sizes smaller. I even think I'm cute in certain flattering clothes, which are easier to find at this size.
But then I stand there naked after a shower and look, really look. I still have that extended belly, partly due to two decent sized babies (my son was 8 pounds, 13 ounces at birth!), partly due to natural swelling from gaining weight. My butt is still taking up plenty of space.
I'm just tired of looking pregnant, even if I've gotten down looking like a few months pregnant instead of 8 months.
I'm wondering when I'll finally see myself as skinny? I know I'm still in the overweight category, which is much better than the obese category I started out at, but I don't know if I'll ever see myself as skinny. I know I'm "normal" looking now, but I doubt that other people see me as skinny as they pass me in public.
Even now I've been contemplating where my final weight should lie. Should it be that 150 I've set or should I try for 140? I know that decision won't be set until I get there. I know that 140 will be harder than anything else I've done because even as a teenager, I was 150. The closer I get to the "final goal" the more I contemplate it. I know I won't go much past either of those weights, but seeing the final goal so close now starts those questions in my mind.
In the end those are just numbers on a scale and most days my body doesn't bother me. My self-esteem is not completely wrapped up in my looks. I know I'm more than just the sum of my physical parts.
It's just one of those things that smacks me in the face because I'm actually concentrating on my body and really looking for the first time in years. Having seen myself more clearly for the first time makes me actually contemplate how I got there and why I'm not going back. It's tiring trying to get there and not going faster than the body can actually do this in a healthy way. I know I'll get there in time and I'll have the picture to prove it, starting pants and all!
Time to go concentrate on the things that look good on me today!