I am sure some of you are confused about my status update this morning stating... "MESAMA is now an auntie! Strangely mixed emotions over it but I'm thrilled most of all!"
I would like to take a moment to explain....
Please don't misunderstand... I am thrilled, happy, excited, joyful and in love with my new niece already. She is precious and a gift.
That being said, I have to say I am suffering from a range of emotions that are even a little startling to me and I am the one feeling them!
I am not writing this looking for sympathy or to get attention. Nor am I trying to take any joy from my brother and his girlfriend. I am simply just acknowledging my feelings. Just acknowledging them and accepting them... that is all.
A couple of years ago, I suffered an ectopic pregnancy that forever changed my life, my marriage and who I am. It was horrific and frightening every second of the 3 months it lasted. I even wrote a terribly long blog about it here on spark a little over a year ago. No pressure to read it but just in case you want to...
Apparently, I'm not as "over it" as I once thought. Last night, as I strolled into the delivery room and laid eyes on my beautiful little niece just 10 minutes after her birth, my heart leapt and sank all at the same time. A thunder storm of thoughts bombarded my brain and I think I did decently at composing myself. I joked. I commented. I smiled. I interacted with grace and dignity. All this was fine and great and was happening during the first feeding. I was content in the inability to touch her and that all shattered when it was time to hold her.
She was being passed around and admired by the visitors and as it got closer to "my turn" I became more and more anxious and unable to keep my composure. So I excused myself before the tears escaped. I entered the hall and they came even though I did my best to fight them. My heart was broken....
All those years ago, I knew deep down that the baby that I lost was our long awaited girl. My instincts on my first children were spot on when I "just knew" that they were boys with my ectopic pregnancy, there was no doubt in my mind that this was my girl.
I did manage to get a grip on myself. It took me a short time before I told myself that I could hold her and not cry. The last thing I wanted to do was be the focus of attention instead of the new parents or the new baby girl.
I don't know why the ectopic happened. At risk of getting all religious or offensive, I believe there was something wrong and God knew my heart and that I wasn't strong enough to handle such things, so the pregnancy came to an end. I accept that in my head but how do I convince my heart that that was okay? How do I not feel that loss anymore or so strongly? How do I keep my composure every time I lay my eyes on that gorgeous niece of mine and not yearn for my girl?
I am not jealous. This feeling is a yearning. A hole in my heart that longs to be filled. Like something is missing in my life because well, yes, my girl is missing. I lost her. I wasn't woman enough or healthy enough to sustain her life and that knowledge and memory haunt me sometimes.
I'm sure this too will pass. I'm sure I will spoil that little girl rotten. I'm sure she will bring me a million smiles and fond memories. I look forward to watching my little brothers girl grow and watching him be a daddy. These are the things that I am going to try to focus on. Distract myself from my personal loss and bask in the joy of this new life.
i know sometimes, I will need to cry. I know that loss will never fully go away. I will sob and be broken hearted when I need to be because I am currently realizing I can't pretend it doesn't hurt every minute of every day. I'm only fooling myself in thinking I can forget. That loss will forever be a part of me.
So I'll cry, like I have been all morning, then take a deep breath and be eternally grateful for the gifts I do have in my life. Because I DO know I am overwhelmingly blessed with a loving husband, 2 beautiful boys and now a perfect new niece. These are the things I will dwell on and be joyful.
I welcome my new niece to this world...
She is perfect. She is beautiful. She is treasured. She is loved....
I did come back into the room after my little escape and short bout of tears last night and held her. She was fascinated with me. I think she recognized my voice (from all those hours of talking with mommy, I bet) and just stared at my face for the longest time. Probably because of my big ole head but I'd like to think that maybe babies have a 6th sense, perhaps she was seeing my pain and willing me to be at peace, if only for a moment. She indeed calmed me and I did feel at peace as I stared at her beautiful perfectness. She did that for me. We are forever bonded. I'm her auntie and I am happy.