Saturday, October 06, 2012
Really it's more than "a little help."
The support I have received from my SP friends
and team-mates has been nothing short of incredible.
I joined SP back in July looking for another "diet" to
solve my "weight problem." What I found was a place
to get support in my FINAL attempt to end a 30 year problem
with bingeing and at times purging (diuretics, laxatives, fasting,
Yesterday I succeeded in staying binge free for 90 days.
It's the longest I have gone without bingeing in over 4 years.
A SP friend suggested I blog about how I've done this and how I feel.
Well, here it goes. I quit dieting for good. I don't count calories,
I don't even track my food any more. I eat when I'm hungry.
I eat a little bit of something sweet everyday so I don't feel deprived.
I don't eat when I'm upset. That really is my only restriction.
There are no "Good foods" or "Bad foods" though I
will admit that I need to start working on eating healthier.
I told my husband and my oldest daughter about my problem.
I also told them I need accountability, but I don't need
the "food police." :)
I joined the 21 day streak on my Living Binge Free team.
I get a tremendous amount of support there. I also get a LOT of support
from The Peppy Party. They cheer me on and are always there for me.
My SP friends and team members have been totally awesome!
I also started counseling this week. Eating disorders are complicated
and I realized that if I didn't want to have to start from square 1 again,
then maybe I should see someone before I "Fall off the wagon,"
instead of waiting until the damage is done. I've been thinking about
bingeing a lot more lately. I took that as my red flag to step
it up a little...Call in the big guns. :)
How do I feel? I feel incredible and very powerful. For the first
time in my life I feel like I have control over my emotions and
how I deal with them without misusing food. I also feel scared.
The holidays are coming, and there is a lot of stress from extended family.
In the past I would use it as an excuse to binge.
That was a big motivator for starting counseling.
I feel a lot of regret for all the years I wasted bingeing myself into
food comas. But I also know that I had to hit rock bottom before I
could finally find my way out. The biggest thing is I don't feel ashamed anymore.
I don't hate myself anymore. Shame and self-hatred were the 2 worse things
about bingeing. I'm happy to be free of those feelings. I'm not "cured."
I still have a lot of work ahead of me, but for the first time EVER in my life
I have the desire and the belief in myself that I WILL SUCCEED.
Every day I get one step closer to the person I have
dreamed of being. I want to be a person who gets upset but doesn't have
to "talk themselves down" from the thought of bingeing.
I want to be a person who looks at food as a source of fuel and not as
their source of comfort. I REALLY want to be a person who can look
in the mirror and not obsess about their flaws. It's not going to happen
over night, but it's happening. I am a work in progress, and I will keep
working to be the best I can be.
And I need to work on being a better speller, because I just had to correct
26 mistakes before I posted this blog, LOL
Have a great weekend!