Saturday, October 06, 2012
I feel like my blog is my puppy dog it is someone I can talk to when I am feeling blue and it is just there as my friend to listen. That is how I am feeling this morning. I just need to write and get my feeling down so I don't keep going over them again and again. At the moment I am frustrated with myself in every part of my life. My house is a mess so I shouldn't be doing this but I am. I am tired of trying to get my life together and failing over and over and over and over again. I feel like my weight loss efforts are going down the drain. My clothes are to tight again and I wonder if I really want this. I have to admit I like food more than loosing weight at times. I like loosing weight too but it is the times that the food wins out and I just want this struggle to be over and forget about the fight and let the food win. What benefit is there in struggling again and again. Its not like I am going to look wonderful when I loose the weight. The baggy skin just isn't pretty and it will only get worse as I loose. The need to think about food all the time, is so irritating, either because I am doing good and eating what I should or food is driving me crazy because I want to eat everything in site. I can't just eat. I am either elated because I am doing good or I am depressed because I am not doing good. I get tired of the highs and lows I go through so often. From where I am now the thought of trying to do good again and get back on the high to know I am only going to crash again, doesn't motivate me.
I know the only way I will win at this is to get back the total dedication I had. I just never wavered.
I do think of the things that make we want it. I think most of all is I don't want to get to the point that the grandchildren or any of the family, are ashamed of me. I don't want things to be hard for me, like bending over and crossing my legs and things that felt so good when I got the weight off. I don't want to be scarred of potential health problems, like diabetes, heart and joint problem that could easy come my way. I don't want exercise to become too hard for me to do because of my weight.
I know part of how I am feeling is because of what is going on at work. Alecia and Dianne are both leaving and I will feel very alone without them. Marilyn, my long time friend and encourager has been taken to a care center due to her very rapid health decline. I feel lonely. Even when I go to watch a meeting on line at Kim's, I feel lonely. I don't feel a part of them and hold back in participation because of how awful I feel. That is part of the reason I write on this blog rather then on the kimmie page. I feel like I wear out my friends with my ups and downs all the time. Who could every believe me, who could every get excited over my progress because they know and I know it won't last. It is embarrassing. I just wish what I learn through all these helps would actually have an effect on me.
I know it is hard on me when I have been out and about this week watching people enjoy this beautiful time of year. Couples doing things together and enjoying conversation and just having a good time. For the most part that isn't part of my life and never will be. Once again I feel very lonely. I need to be thankful for what I do have but it seems my mind is more taken up with my problem rather than my blessing. I know there are many who have it much worse and today I need to think of them and count my blessings, because I have many.
I know I won't stay feeling like this forever and that is part of the reason I write. This often helps me get over how I am feeling.
Today I need to think of the love of my Good Shepherd who has given his life for me. I know my sins forgiven and my home in heaven. I know he cares for me and I know even as I write he is touched with my feelings.
Please help me Lord, today to rest on you and feel your arms around me and in this how can I feel lonely. Make my thoughts be of you today and not about food or problems. Help me to have a thankful heart. Help me to have the strength from you to get over this and get done all that needs doing. Help me to prioritize properly and help me to be full of praise for all my blessing and for you when this day is done.