Have to recalibrate
Friday, October 05, 2012
I've been mulling things over for quite a while, not updating much here. The fall I took three weeks ago really set me back, not just physically but also emotionally. Reinjury is really demoralizing--this arm has been hurt so many times now. I've been hoping that it would heal itself & I wouldn't have to request yet another round of physical therapy, & it IS better but I still can't straighten my arm. I looked through the pile of printouts of PT exercises from previous rounds, but I couldn't find any that seemed to specifically address the elbow. So I may need to go back, at least for a refresher.
I've let go of regular exercise since 9/12 when I fell. Not good--even with my arm bunged up I can do lower-body ST & fast walking, but I haven't been steady with either. Also I've craved sweets terribly & have given in to the craving rather often. I haven't been able to reward myself with travel savings for quite a while now--& I'm not sure that I even should, because . . .
I took a hard look at my finances the other day & was discouraged to see that I haven't really managed a net reduction of my debt since X moved out more than two years ago. I've made a number of big payments on credit cards, but I've also had some major expenses: my lawyer & X's lawyer (I had to pay both because his income was much less than mine); replacing my computer & adding a laptop; trips to Colombia, Boston, & LA; massive work on my car (it's old but sturdy, gets excellent mileage, & almost never breaks down, so I got some major maintenance & repair work done all at once); replacing a couple of furniture items. I made really careful choices with all these things, & am continuing to work extra & live as frugally as I can without descending into deprivation mode. But still, getting rid of the debt is going to take longer than I hoped.
In recent weeks I've started to have a pronounced eyelid twitch, clearly related to stress. It's twitching as I write this.
Though I've had many wonderful experiences in recent months--solo camping & going to outdoor concerts with friends & making tamales over open fires with Colombian friends & having people come for dinner & so on--I'm struggling with depression right now.
On a deep spiritual level I'm feeling discouraged & uncertain. The two years of psychotherapy really helped me get through the divorce, but now I'm sensing a need for a different kind of inner work. Being married to a narcissist for 7 years, & then having to fight his efforts to get all the $$ he could from me in the process of divorce, really harmed me in ways that are hard to express.
So here's how I'm going to try to address the malaise:
1. Find a spiritual director. A friend has recommended a Catholic nun who happens to live just 1.5 miles from me. The nun is open to meeting with me for discernment, so next Wednesday (when I work from home), my morning exercise will be fast-walking to meet with her. I hope she proves to be a good mentor to help me discern God's movement in my life at this time.
2. Participate in the fall 5% challenge, focusing just on exercise & healthy eating. Of course getting sweaty more often is going to help my mood.
3. Make an appointment with my doctor to see if I should get PT for my elbow.
4. Living just as frugally as I can without making myself miserable.
As always, my SP friends' encouragement will be appreciated. Love to you all.