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Have to recalibrate

Friday, October 05, 2012

I've been mulling things over for quite a while, not updating much here. The fall I took three weeks ago really set me back, not just physically but also emotionally. Reinjury is really demoralizing--this arm has been hurt so many times now. I've been hoping that it would heal itself & I wouldn't have to request yet another round of physical therapy, & it IS better but I still can't straighten my arm. I looked through the pile of printouts of PT exercises from previous rounds, but I couldn't find any that seemed to specifically address the elbow. So I may need to go back, at least for a refresher.

I've let go of regular exercise since 9/12 when I fell. Not good--even with my arm bunged up I can do lower-body ST & fast walking, but I haven't been steady with either. Also I've craved sweets terribly & have given in to the craving rather often. I haven't been able to reward myself with travel savings for quite a while now--& I'm not sure that I even should, because . . .

I took a hard look at my finances the other day & was discouraged to see that I haven't really managed a net reduction of my debt since X moved out more than two years ago. I've made a number of big payments on credit cards, but I've also had some major expenses: my lawyer & X's lawyer (I had to pay both because his income was much less than mine); replacing my computer & adding a laptop; trips to Colombia, Boston, & LA; massive work on my car (it's old but sturdy, gets excellent mileage, & almost never breaks down, so I got some major maintenance & repair work done all at once); replacing a couple of furniture items. I made really careful choices with all these things, & am continuing to work extra & live as frugally as I can without descending into deprivation mode. But still, getting rid of the debt is going to take longer than I hoped.

In recent weeks I've started to have a pronounced eyelid twitch, clearly related to stress. It's twitching as I write this.

Though I've had many wonderful experiences in recent months--solo camping & going to outdoor concerts with friends & making tamales over open fires with Colombian friends & having people come for dinner & so on--I'm struggling with depression right now.

On a deep spiritual level I'm feeling discouraged & uncertain. The two years of psychotherapy really helped me get through the divorce, but now I'm sensing a need for a different kind of inner work. Being married to a narcissist for 7 years, & then having to fight his efforts to get all the $$ he could from me in the process of divorce, really harmed me in ways that are hard to express.

So here's how I'm going to try to address the malaise:

1. Find a spiritual director. A friend has recommended a Catholic nun who happens to live just 1.5 miles from me. The nun is open to meeting with me for discernment, so next Wednesday (when I work from home), my morning exercise will be fast-walking to meet with her. I hope she proves to be a good mentor to help me discern God's movement in my life at this time.

2. Participate in the fall 5% challenge, focusing just on exercise & healthy eating. Of course getting sweaty more often is going to help my mood.

3. Make an appointment with my doctor to see if I should get PT for my elbow.

4. Living just as frugally as I can without making myself miserable.

As always, my SP friends' encouragement will be appreciated. Love to you all.
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    1759 days ago
    Dear Ruth,

    Hang in there, it will get better. I think you have a good plan. I agree that you should try to decrease your stress. I'm also a person who puts a lot on myself so I do understand. It's very easy to think that we have to do everything.

    How did it go with the nun? God really helps if you let him. Difficult things will not go away, but they will be easier to manage.

    God bless / Lisa
    1769 days ago
    I am keeping you in my prayers. It sure has been a rough year for you. i pray that you will make it around the bend soon.
    1770 days ago
    Poor, Ruth. I hope things get better soon. I think working through that list you laid out will help and start to mentally make you feel better and less stressed because you're taking the "steps" to work things out. I get that eyelid twitch from time to time too, and it will definitely go away if you can get rid of or alleviate a little bit of that stress. Also re:#4 be careful about that adding more stress. I love the idea of frugal living, but remember to live. I know you will. emoticon
    1776 days ago
    First of all, I love your new profile picture! It shows a truly lovely person. I too am excited about beginning the fall challenge with such a group of supportive friends. I applaud your efforts to get a spiritual mentor and to refocus on WILL survive all of this. One day you WILL be able to look back on this stage of your life and see how you grew stronger from tackling it all.


    1778 days ago
    Hi Ruth--I'm sorry I haven't been around as much to know what you've been going through and offer support. I don't know what a deep depression feels like, but I think it is good that you have set goals to focus on YOU. You have gone through a lot and it sounds like you have a good plan in place to work through specific things. I need to get my head back in the Starfish game, too, so we can root each other on throughout the challenge! Sending TEXAS-sized hugs your way!!
    1778 days ago
    I would like to encourage you and support you as you go through this period of adjustment/transition/change.

    B vitamin helps me when my eye twitches. Helps with the stress. My favorite is Mega B- Stress by Solaray. It is inexpensive. You can find it on Vitacost website.

    As for your ideas to address those issues, those are great plans of action! You are specific, you have plans, people to support you and you will make it through this and probably grow in the process. You are a wonderful, dear person and I only want the best for you. I pray for God's peace in your life in this time.

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    1779 days ago
    Dearest One, I am so sad to hear all that you are going through. You know I am just a phone call away Love. I am also a good listener & seeing the nun will also be a good thing for you. I think speaking to someone who has no personal stake except that you are better than when you walked in is really great. I spoke with someone some 2 years ago & I just miss her perception of me & how she uplifted me & made whole. I'm also praying for you that you are made whole.

    God bless & keep you!

    1779 days ago
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