Friday, October 05, 2012
I have several emotions going on in my head right now and I'm 100% certain they are the reason I'm having such a hard time with my weight loss right now.
ANGER, PISSED OFF, HURT:
I am angry, pissed off and hurt at the one person who is suppose to love me unconditionally. But apparently she either didn't get that memo or what I have been thinking for the last 12 years is really true. That I don't live up to her standards and that her love comes with conditions that I guess I'll never meet. That she has found others to replace me with. I have tried for years to get her to accept me the way that I am and for her to treat me as she does the others in our family, even those are now related through marriage. Hell, I don't even rate as high as some of her friends. I finally cut ties with her, thinking that I can finally move on with my life, no such luck as she doesn't want to abide by my wishes, but then again why should I expect her to.
On a daily basis I feel lonely, at least for the last few months. We have been a one car household for over a year now but it wasn't until a few months ago with the car started to have issues and my husband didn't want me driving it in case I get stuck somewhere so he has been driving me where I need to go. That really isn't the problem but its the feeling of being stuck at home all day after going to the gym for a few hours; not having anyone to talk to or even getting the car for at least one day every so often so I can get out and about. I've decided after the first of the year I'm going to look for a part time job and by a cheap car with our tax return money so I can get that job. I'm hoping being out of house for a few hours a couple a days a week with help with this loneliness. I'm a people person and I love to be around others.
I just realized today that other than going to the gym most days of the week I'm pretty much a lazy person since I don't have anything else to do. Maybe I can find a hobby soon to help do something other than sit and watch TV or read all day until the kids and Ty get home. I'm hoping that once we get some boxes (fingers crossed tomorrow) that packing up the house to also help because when I don't have anything to do I think about food and then I eat the food.
I'm so frustrated at myself for letting myself go and gaining back these 40 lbs. I feel so uncomfortable in my clothes as most don't fit me any more. I spend most days in lounging clothes so its not its a huge deal, except on the rare occasion I do leave the house for an errand or something. I felt so good and confident in those smaller clothes. You know what they say: The clothes make the woMan. I leave in less than 8 weeks to head out to see my BF and I really don't want to go looking like this. I feel like a huge fat blob!
Maybe I should print this out and take it with me on my next therapy session to see what my therapist has to say and maybe get some pointers on moving past some of these issues and getting my head back in the game. Because the only person standing in the way of my path of success is ME!!