Friday, October 05, 2012
Wow I can't believe in a little over a week I will be writing the final chapter of this journey. It brings tears to me eye's just thinking about it. It has been quite the journey indeed and I am no where close to being the same person I was when I started.
I have learned so much about myself in the last 5 months. I've learned that it's ok to be weak, because there's only one way to go from there! I've learned you can have good and bad and sometimes even AWFUL runs but it doesn't matter! Because I learned something from each run. I remember when 2 miles almost killed me, 3 miles questioned why I signed up for 13.2 and how would I ever be able to do it when I couldn't manage 3 miles!!! I NEVER gave up, I NEVER quit!!! And this was new for me. Anytime things got hard before I'd just move on to the next thing. But I stuck with it. I cried, cussed and Cheered!! I remember the first time I hit 5 miles... I jumped and yelled so loud in the middle of my run and then all of my girls celebrated my victory. I remember the first time I ran just over 6 miles and thinking OMG I just did almost half of my race!!! That feeling was amazing. And then thinking 3 miles almost broke me and I just pulled 6! I've had a lot of tears on this journey and honestly I've had my doubts. How am I going to run 13 when I haven't been able to complete 10 yet? Why can't I have good run's??? And then the well if we just go a little farther that'll give us 1 more mile, what the heck let's go for it! And that's the run that I ran my first unofficial half!!! We did 13.25 miles last Saturday because of that just a little farther mindset! Do I even really like running... I like it, but I can't say I love it LOL. I LOVE the feeling I get of hitting my next accomplishment, I love feeling just a little stronger. I LOVE that...but the actual love of running? Hmmm I'm still on the fence. I've been a thrill ride to be around.
I have learned so much not just about running but about me. I learned how to push through it. I learned that 3 miles didn't kill me...it just felt that way in the beginning. I learned that I can get excited about "ONLY 5 or 6 miles this weekend" but most importantly I've learned to be proud of myself! I am queen of self bashing and degration. I can find the fault in ANYTHING that I do. And I've learned it doesn't matter. I have done the most amazing things, I've conquered my fear of pushing myself, of running of bridges and feeling like I don't count! I've NEVER allowed myself to be called a survivor. I've alway's felt like because I was lucky and my "battle" with cancer was easy that I wasn't worthy of being called one. I felt like I would take something away from people who had to Survive. And I felt guilty that I was a "lucky one". I never learned much about my disease because I didn't want to. Like some how if I didn't know anything about it, it never happened. I met someone this season that is a survivor in every sense of the word. And she has done more for me than she will ever realize. We talked one day about my story and of course there's not much of one but as I was telling her some of it she would say things to me and would be telling ME MY story. She's never met me and she knew what I had gone through...Step by Step...and she was telling me what I had gone through. And for the first time in my life I connected to someone who got it! I didn't have to say anything and she understood! And right there I could feel the healing start. I've seen her a few times since then and I have been drawn to her and one night she was telling her story, and so many pieces of it fit mine. I understood her! I knew those fears!
I am so grateful that I decided to take this journey for so many reasons. And the tears fall again, there are so many reasons but mostly of joy. I am the Happiest and by far the Healthiest I have been in 25 years. And it's because of my journey.
On October 14, 2012...My son Kyles 8th birthday I will run my second 13.1 miles of my life...and this time it will be Officially my 1st Half Marathon. And I couldn't have done it by myself. I wanted to be part of something greater than myself, and as this chapter of my journey closes...I can say I have found it!!!